why can't it be simple

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostandfound, Jul 29, 2014.

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  1. lostandfound

    lostandfound New Member

    There comes a time in life when one has to ask how much is enough, how many chances do you get, whats left, how much ache can the heart take, how much loneliness is enough, and not what pains can I endure, rather what pains do I want to continue to endure. I am not afraid of dying, lost that fear a long time ago. Afraid of living? Maybe. Dunno. Pain is what I fear, no matter the form: physical, emotional, and/or spiritual. Which is why I'm still here in this physical world: I haven't found a way yet that is 100% effective, not messy (I'm thinking of whoever would find me and the trauma that may cause them finding a person with a big hole in their head), not painful. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Peaceful, simple, clean. I keep researching and the closet thing I've found is the <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. The rest I have figured out. Counseling you say? Been there, done that. Psychiatrists and drug treatments? Been there, done that. Seems it's been this way forever and I grow more tired every day. I did try <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> but couldn't do it - another failure (again more worried about the person that would find me than anything). Why life is the way it is no one knows, and no one will ever know. What is it's purpose? We can ponder, think, philosophize all we want but the answer is not to be found, not in this physical world. Why we have the connections we do with people, why we have the misconnections, again not questions that can be answered. Which raises the question, why do I spend so much time trying to answer them. How is it that everything seems so complicated when it should be simple? I just want it to be over.

    and why make this a post rather than a chat? cuz even here i don't think people want to hear me although deep down I believe you listen, or at least can relate....i'm just lost

    None of it seems fair, and it's said life isn't fair. Is it because of who we were in a past life and we need to learn lessons and improve in this life for the next one? How many chances does one get? It's been said you get as many chances as you are willing to take risks. That may be true, dunno. For some, love seems impossible, to have this strange emotion for another that is inexplicable. And for others, it seems as common as a dandelion in spring. How love is felt must be different, are there different levels? For those that find love hard to find, do they feel deeper and therefore hurt more? Or have they just never learned how to accept the good in a love and live by the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"? I don't know if I believe in the quote. Guess maybe.

    I am pissed at the universe. My daughter, although alive and well, is not in my life thanks to her mother, and I feel the pain from that every day, every day for 9 years now and I'm tired, I no longer believe I will have her in my life again. I was told it will get better with time; I disagree, the pain doesn't get better, it doesn't go away, you just live with it, you get used to it, most of the time. I just want to sleep and not wake up, why can't that happen? Why can't it be that simple, that clean, that easy?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2014
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, lostandfound. Welcome to SF. I'm glad you found the site and I hope that you find we are receptive and caring listeners. Many people have arrived with similar questions - all the big ones that we wonder about sometimes! You have lots of company as you seek answers!

    I am so sorry you feel so low. I don't know but I kind of wonder if you have had many losses in your life - or times of stress and trouble, not just the separation from your daughter. Many losses or hurts at the same time or in succession can leave us depleted and it is very hard to work through all the feelings. A skillful counsellor might recognize that you need to tear things apart bit by bit and will actually help you do that. It can take time; it's not a 6-visit and you're done type of thing. It's very sad that your daughter's mother is not allowing her to have her father in her life. :hug: I'm sorry that is happening to you.

    Keep talking to us here. Life isn't always simple and fair or easy. With support and some feedback, we often find the keys to keep going and doing things to make life better. I hope you give that a chance!

    Take care and be safe!
     
  3. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I hope you feel welcome here.

    Not having access to offspring must be a crushing blow. I don't have children, but I have irreversibly lost contact with some persons I once had close relationships with, often because these persons died, or we didn't stay in touch. In general, I suspect life is a problem that has no solutions, so I don't look for solutions anymore--there are only the day-to-day adjustments made as things continue to change. As for how many chances we get, I guess that we continue to get chances until the day that we die. But that's only my opinion. I'm not qualified to give anyone advice.

    The person writing above me here is correct in saying that therapies and counseling are not magic. No one else can resolve phenomena that only you actually face in person. But the writer above also says that professional consultation can be helpful--it gives an "outside" viewpoint of a situation, by someone who sees similar situations going on with many people, and who has studied how families and emotions work--the "laws of physics" of such things, as it were. Are you taking best advantage of it?

    I know that you are hurting. But do know that you deserve the best in life, always. Best wishes.

    ` :butterfly048:
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2014
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Please don't do it.
     
  5. Mandy828810

    Mandy828810 Member

    I can really relate to you. I'm in the same frame of mind right now actually. I'm not sure how much help I am but one thought did cross my mind that I sincerely hope may help you. I've always seen and heard that children resent the parent that keeps them away from their other parent. Then when they grow up they try to find that parent they didn't know. So as horrible as it is that you are missing out on a relationship with her right now (and I do agree it's horrible, my heart breaks for you) you have so much hope to have a relationship with her in the future. And with her kids. And that is something beautiful. So maybe that helps you see a small bit of light at the end of the tunnel? I hope so.
     
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