There comes a time in life when one has to ask how much is enough, how many chances do you get, whats left, how much ache can the heart take, how much loneliness is enough, and not what pains can I endure, rather what pains do I want to continue to endure. I am not afraid of dying, lost that fear a long time ago. Afraid of living? Maybe. Dunno. Pain is what I fear, no matter the form: physical, emotional, and/or spiritual. Which is why I'm still here in this physical world: I haven't found a way yet that is 100% effective, not messy (I'm thinking of whoever would find me and the trauma that may cause them finding a person with a big hole in their head), not painful. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Peaceful, simple, clean. I keep researching and the closet thing I've found is the <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. The rest I have figured out. Counseling you say? Been there, done that. Psychiatrists and drug treatments? Been there, done that. Seems it's been this way forever and I grow more tired every day. I did try <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> but couldn't do it - another failure (again more worried about the person that would find me than anything). Why life is the way it is no one knows, and no one will ever know. What is it's purpose? We can ponder, think, philosophize all we want but the answer is not to be found, not in this physical world. Why we have the connections we do with people, why we have the misconnections, again not questions that can be answered. Which raises the question, why do I spend so much time trying to answer them. How is it that everything seems so complicated when it should be simple? I just want it to be over. and why make this a post rather than a chat? cuz even here i don't think people want to hear me although deep down I believe you listen, or at least can relate....i'm just lost None of it seems fair, and it's said life isn't fair. Is it because of who we were in a past life and we need to learn lessons and improve in this life for the next one? How many chances does one get? It's been said you get as many chances as you are willing to take risks. That may be true, dunno. For some, love seems impossible, to have this strange emotion for another that is inexplicable. And for others, it seems as common as a dandelion in spring. How love is felt must be different, are there different levels? For those that find love hard to find, do they feel deeper and therefore hurt more? Or have they just never learned how to accept the good in a love and live by the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"? I don't know if I believe in the quote. Guess maybe. I am pissed at the universe. My daughter, although alive and well, is not in my life thanks to her mother, and I feel the pain from that every day, every day for 9 years now and I'm tired, I no longer believe I will have her in my life again. I was told it will get better with time; I disagree, the pain doesn't get better, it doesn't go away, you just live with it, you get used to it, most of the time. I just want to sleep and not wake up, why can't that happen? Why can't it be that simple, that clean, that easy?