Why can't people take a firm 'no' for an answer?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by feathers, Jun 3, 2011.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    What is it about people and not being able to fucking take no for an answer? Seriously, it's something that really fucking gets to me. My mate over FB chat is like, asking me about my fucking sexual fetish that I mentioned and what it was, and despite me telling him fucking ages ago, no I'm not going to tell you it, he keeps asking and asking despite me saying firmly "no".

    Reason this upsets me is because I have a lot of difficulty saying no to people. That's why I ended up getting pushed further than I'd liked with 4 different guys when I was 13/14. People say being taken advantage of, so to speak (never raped; nothing worse than, well, hands going places I'd rather they didn't) by 4 different people (one of which I reported to the police) is unlucky, but I know deep down it is my fault for not being able to say no assertively enough. I think I just gave off the "I'm not sure" sort of no, as if I could be convinced, because I was painfully shy and had a fear of upsetting people (and I guess a deep rooted insecurity at the time that I wasn't good enough to say no to people - someone actually wanted me and that should be good enough for me).

    Back to my point. I'm better at saying no now. I'm confident. People want me left right and center so my self esteem has shot through the roof and I'm no longer insecure (might just be hypomania because I'm very insecure in my depressions - but still not as much as I used to be). So I do have the ability to just say 'no' and mean it with a firm confidence. However some people just still don't seem to be able to take fucking no for an answer and it just makes me question, have I fucking gotten anywhere? Would I be able to handle such situations now if they arose again, without things ending mentally damaging for me?

    I don't think I would. Recently I ended up having sex with just a friend, a friend who I in fact had not seen for a year and a half who I bumped into on a night out. I wasn't going to, I honestly wasn't. I told him I wasn't going to, but he just kept acting like I was going to anyway, because he knew I wanted to (I did - I was very drunk and probably wouldn't have sober, I just knew it was a better idea not to and actually tried to exert some self control) despite me saying I wasn't going to. He ended up pretty much continuing as if I'd said yes, pulled a condom out etc and it was at that point that I just kinda gave in. Now that sounds really bad written down. It wasn't as bad as it sounds. But this whole things just kinda proves to myself that, even though I can now say no to people, things can still end up going the way I don't intend them to.

    Am I forever doomed to being a victim?
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Some people just think if they nag enough you'll give in...I know from where I speak.....my son has NEVER learnt that my no means no and he's 28 :laugh:
     
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Well then there's no wonder vulnerable people like myself 6 years ago end up getting pushed too far and end up fucked up mentally.

    I will definitely be teaching any son of mine to respect girls.
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Seriously, when some guy won't take your no as no, state firmly no, put your hand on his chest and push.
    If that don't work kick him where it will hurt him the most.
    In my early teens I found it so hard to get my no across, so much so that I ended up actually waving a knife at a would be rapist.
    It frightened me so much that I took up martial arts so that I would be able to fight back.
    Now a sharp no seems to do the trick, and if all else fails scream at the top of your lungs.
     
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I really never feel in a situation enough to do that. Because I know they're not being malicious. They're just being guys.

    I just can never see it that way..
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Then ask your self this, do I want to sleep with this guy, is this what I really want, will I be able to respect myself after?
    If any of the answers are no, then make sure that your no is heard.
    It doesnt even have to be confrontational, if the guy is halfways decent, a simple, "I don't sleep around" should suffice.
    If you are ambivalent the guy will sense it and keep on and on at you.
     
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I know all these things in theory but in practice it is so much more difficult.

    I think it's maybe an issue I should address in therapy when it finally comes around.
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I know how difficult it is...believe me! when in my teens I felt like I had a big neon sign above my head that screamed "victim".
    Do bring this up in therapy, there maybe an underlying problem that is making it very hard for you to sound convincing.
    With me it was child abuse, the whole "once a victim, always a victim". Therapy helped me stand firm and not be the victim. :smile:
     
  9. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thanks :)
     
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    most welcome :hug:
     
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i don't know if you experienced sexual abuse as a child, but that can definitely linger on into your adult life making it difficult to say no.

    i recommend a book "the sexual healing journey" by wendy maltz. you can get it at your public library, probably, or cheaply from amazon. she helps untangle all the reasons we have a hard time saying no assertively (feeling ambiguous about our sexual rights, for instance). it's really helping me to read this book and to do the exercises.
     
  12. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I was not sexually abused as a child, but thank you, for your response.
     
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