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Why can't they see I'm doing them a favour?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Hazel Morse, Apr 4, 2016.

  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    The Suicide/Depression Paradox hurts me.

    It just strikes me as weird that the way the general public views depression and suicide actually works to suffering people feel even more unworthy of life.

    On the one hand: people tell me that I have a moral or ethical duty to live, and not just to live, but to be happy and productive. Even though I have no family that wants anything to do with me, no friends whatsoever, no pets, a job I hate that expires in June and no prospects of getting another job. But must live like this and like it, out of adherence to an abstract social pronouncement.

    On the other hand: people tell me that depressed and suicidal people like me are the worst people ever. That they don't want me around, they won't love or befriend me, help me or even talk to me. I've been called a shithead, a worthless piece of shit, a bullshit artist, an ingrate, a retard, a coward, a cop-out, a criminal (and that's just my mother!). They sneer at me for not going to a therapist and also scorn me for not being able to fix myself on my own (this is my step-father and sister).

    People say I want to be depressed, it's all my fault because I'm actively trying to be unhappy, out of spite to them or because I was spoiled when young. I'm told I'm not unhappy because of physical or emotional abuse nor my social awkwardness; and besides, I invite that on myself for being unhappy.

    So if I'm so awful, why do I have this weird duty to live? Isn't such a failure of a human being doing everyone a favour by taking herself out of their way? My family/ acquaintance/ culture isn't even religious so it's not as though they're working within a moral framework that accepts adherence to this type of rule. And this paradox is the only one that exists, the only one without moral grey areas.
    MisterBGone likes this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Hazel Morse, I am sorry for what you are going through. No one deserves that or those comments from your family. I have the same problem, i'm called lazy because of my mental illness, told its a cop out and the oh so ever ''how convenient''. The best thing you can do is ignore them, they are ignorant to mental illness obviously. That's not your fault and maybe you cannot change their mind, try moving forward and getting help from a therapist or psychiatrist. You owe that to yourself. Believe you can overcome this and you will. I hope you see an improvement soon. Big hugs!! (hugs)
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hun, you are not a bad person, depression does not make you any less of a person or give you less of a right to live a life.

    I am sorry you're hurting like this; but the thing is you need to find your own reasons for staying alive rather than listen to such negative people. You need to live for you, and you need to find things that makes you happy.
    Do you have hobbies you enjoy? Do you like being creative? If you do you could live for that, to create new things that YOU like.

    And like Petal said, getting help is very important as you do deserve to have the help to move forward with your precious life.

    Please do be kind to yourself. You deserve that!
  4. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    I wish I could. I wish there was something that could keep me alive. But there is nothing. If I had just one relative in my corner...but I'm adopted, so I'm not "real" family.

    I have no hobbies. My job ends June, and I have not looked for another. I can't go back to these people, in Australia.

    Driving me back to the airport at the end of the Chinese New Year holiday, my mother got upset at my brother's depression. She began to physically abuse me as an outlet - I'm her emotional punching bag, you see. I have to take it because I'm responsible for her divorce. And her rape as a young woman, 10 years before my my birth, for some reason. My stepfather hasn't spoken to me for a year and a half (literally, if I say hello to him he turns on his heel and walks away) - an apt punishment for mentioning that I wished he wouldn't say that I was never going to get another job because I am such a failure.

    And this isn't just my family. This is everyone. Everyone who sneers at suicides as "just cowards" who "took the easy way out". I just can't move forward, and I can't go back to the abuse, by anyone.
  5. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I've been seeing a psychologist for nearly 2 years now (thanks to this site). I'm sorry you have the same problem, that's what I was trying to express...but my parents aren't ignorant, they're both doctors in different fields. They believe in things like schizophrenia where they can see an MRI and see the areas of the brain light up for themselves, but not my depression, because they paid so much for me. I can't say anything about the way they treat me because they paid so much for me - to go to good schools, gave me so many toys, etc. I'm nearly 40...