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why can't you see how i am?

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i'm alone. yes they're busy but i'm alone. having depression for at least 6 years. i finish with it. it's done. but no, it comes back. and i let it happen. no, i didn't. because i'm so fucking trusting. how good is that? it's just wonderful. four in the morning. four fifty fucking two in the morning. every day. depression gets deeper. and then i come on to the forums making endless jokes because nobody wants to hear about me. this is fine. everybody else has worse problems than me. what you say? i can do something? of course i can you fucker! i realize that. it's one of my smarter decisions. but now i have things to do. and i need to stop this soon. and i won't. and i'll make another post to the forum saying exactly the same thing i've just said, how i haven't been raped, not tried suicide, "no domestic physical abuse", no OD's, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

why can't you see how i am? i WAS shy. i have gotten over it. but in the months since i last saw you, i get worse. suprise? absolutely. because of a fucking pattern. and trigger trigger trigger trigger. and you know very well i don't invite myself over. you're busy, fine, but not 3 months, man. not 3 months. how i wish i could say this to you. but no, i know i'm wrong. 5 am now. what a suprise? no, it isn't. 4:59! but who's counting? ME! i have nothing else to do.

and i need to scream. i need to get weekends out. i can't hold on much longer, but i don't want to see how suicide works because of pain. and then "it gets better". yes it does! this is a temporary problem. but it isn't, not for me. and it keeps building. the pain keeps building. by may, i'll become manic again and someone will find me dead. no, it's not a very nice fucking thing. but then again i'm going to be doomed to repeat it. no, i'm not. but i will...
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