I saw my dad today and its been eating at me for years that he, and my mum, (they divorced when I was little) never supported me to go into further education and go to university whereas each of them supported their younger children that they had by new partners. This was on top of neglect generally and a crappy upbringing which compared unfavourably to my younger siblings. I was all ready to confront my dad last night and tell him just how devasted I'd been by his neglect and lack of encouragement and interest, not to mention being completely dumbstruck when my mum decided to go to art school at the time when I was thinking of going, but I just caved in and when he questioned 'why was it that you didn't go to university' (as if he was totally innocent of any involvement in the matter) i muttered something about originally not knowing what I had wanted to do which wasn't really true. I also said that when I had decided what I wanted to do in my twenties (which was medicine) that I needed a home to live in to complete my entrance qualifications for uni and I couldn't go back home to either him or mum to do that and I didn't have anywhere to live, to which he said 'shame'. But basically I remember that I was totally screwed up by his cold indifference to my studies at which I was doing really well - but he would completely blank me when I talked about what i was doing and it hurt like hell. This was in comparison to him supporting my younger sisters - one of whom went to vet school because he said she 'deserved' to go because she knew from a young age what she wanted to do. I just don't know why I couldn't confront him last night. He actually said to me 'oh I remember, yes, I thought there was something wrong with your thinking because you hadn't thought through how you were going to pay for it all'. (This is despite the fact that at that time I would have got a full grant for all of the degree and just needed a place to stay for a year to get ready to go). Now, when I think of it - he has always been so mean and judgemental when it comes to me achieving anything and he never said well done or gave me any recognition for getting good grades. I'm sick, totally sick that I've wasted my life, feeling and being really messed up because he and my mum were never really there for me. Now it's too late - I'm in my mid-forties. I've had years of mental illness triggered by my childhood - physically I'm messed up because of the medication I've become chemically dependent on which has caused poor concentration too. My dad's meanness and my mum's selfishness, and their neglect and my inability to stand up to them has wrecked my life. But just why couldn't I tell him those words - I didn't go to university because you didn't support me? The fact that I didn't go to uni and achieve has haunted me almost every day for the past twenty years and has been one of the main roots of my inability to move on. I know that some people go back in later life, but I have no savings, no income, I still have no support, and I'm trying to recover from mental illness so realistically the opportunity has gone. And yes, this does contrast dramatically with all of my half-siblings who all studied. I guess it's not just about not going to uni - its about having parents who decide to neglect you and your interests, and consistently favour your siblings and their own interests and in the case of my dad, who are quick to point out your flaws, but never get round to complimenting you on achievements. I guess it was a form of abuse.