Why couldn't it have been me intead? *TRIGGERING*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by riz, Apr 2, 2007.

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  1. riz

    riz Senior Member

    Caution: Child abuse mentioned.

    ((*Sorry for the length. I am finally getting everything out there. If you are confused about any details, just ask. I'll appreciate it if any one reads it all.*))

    I have three amazing little brothers, but for a while, one's been missing.

    What seems like seconds ago (reality:years) the eldest, 'N', was finally diagnosed with Asperger's Disease. (Simply a mild form of autism.) For years N was treated with the wrong medicines--some that made him violent and some that made him a zombie. He was my little brother, just two years younger than me. He was the only person that shared my father's abuse. We were always arguing but when my dad would start, we stuck together.

    My father would come home from "long days at work" to the best dinner our mother could afford and with punching bags cowaring at the sound of the opening door. My mom would do the best she could, but when she wasn't there, N got the worst of it. My dad would beat on N and take out every frustration on him till there was none left. I was just on the sidelines, labeled as a fat whore, lazy bitch, and ugly piece of shit.

    When my mother finally left my dad, I was ecstatic. The other two little ones, M and A, (at the time 7 and 4; respectively.) were furious.

    What I found out soon after my father's departure was frightning.


    N had been being 'touched' in the butt by my father for years. With N's condition, it had been easy for him to forget these moments and store them away. They slowly came forward through his behaviors, like reaching into his butt with his hands and wiping his poo on the walls. Weird behavior like that sent my mom through the roof. His behavior stopped and after that, my mom treated it like a phase. After my dad departed, my mom didn't give it a second thought.

    Now, years passed. N was a little boy then. He was still visiting a psychiatrist and was on medication. So were M and A. My mom had them go because she wanted to make sure they weren't affected by my father's behavior.

    A had a secret too. We didn't know until my dad left. He finally felt safe enough to tell. He told me, the psychiatrist, and my mom that he too was being touched in the butt. He also revealed that he was told to put his mouth on the pee pee and eat the 'candy' that came out.

    We thought for sure that it was my father again. But, with time, we found out that it was N.

    N was touching my other little brother. Due to his condition, he was socially locked away. He started doing what my father did, to A.

    My mother, knowing that immediate action was called for, called DCFS and got N removed from the house. The only problem with that is he was sent straight to a Juvenile Detention Facility. There is no one there that can help him, or get him ready for his release when he turns 18.

    He's 17 now.

    I cry every night because I am missing my link to the world. I am alone with what happened to me. I am disgusted by the mention of his name and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for what he did to A, but I love him, and am sure that he deserves a better place than that.

    It's been almost 2 whole years, and he is still locked up. He's stuck in the justice system. My dad won't take him in and my mom can't by law. He is now a convicted sex offender and can't be within 500 yards of any children.

    Though this is all on his record, I know that he didn't know what he was doing, and when showed the right way to behave in society, will never do it again.

    I was touched too. Not by my father, but by my uncle and cousin. My cousin put his hands down my pants and felt me. And my uncle, he had me put my hands on his penis and kiss it. I was too young to know, and even now, I almost don't believe my own memories.

    I wish everyday that I was the one touched by my father, instead of my brother. I know that if it was me, it would have stopped with me and not went on to anyone else. The way that things happened, my dad is free--with no punishment and N is stuck in hell.

    Am I sick to still love N after what he has done?
    Am I disturbed to wish that I was the one abused instead?

    I have nightmares still. I guess that's why I can never sleep.
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    The answer to both is no. You show alot of love and understanding for your brother and the other members of your family when you say that.

    No-one would blame you for hating N for that, but you understand that his behaviour was based on a mixture of his experience and his condition (for want of a better word). This takes alot of... well, alot of really nice things in spades. And as for the second question, believe me when I say I know how you feel with that one - It may sound weird, but it's something that is very rarely wanted for the wrong reasons.

    I hope that getting this all out has helped you a little hunny :hug:
  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't think you're "wrong" for still loving your brother. CHildren who are abused often become abusers themselves, and your brother's condition makes that more likely due to his decreased ability to reason logically. What drives me nuts is that your father got off scot free!!!:mad: Isn't there a way you all could report this and call him out, legally, for what he's done?? He's wrecked several lives with his disgusting abuse, he should be held accountable. I know it wouldn't erase the past but it might prevent him from doing it to anyone else.

  4. riz

    riz Senior Member

    I really do wish there was a way that my father could get punished for all that he's done, but I think my brother is too afraid to step forward about anything.

    N still really loves his dad, and doesn't want to lose him forever. I think there have been many threats to N about telling anyone, and even though he is almost an adult, I don't think he fully understands what he's letting my father get away with.

    Just recently, there has been a frightening development...

    My dad has legal visitation with M and A now. He takes them for overnight visits. I'm afraid that he's still touching them. They haven't come forward, and there's nothing we can do until that happens.

    I am sick of this abuse. If I had the chance, I would kill him. And that scares me a little.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :rant: spitting teeth, feathers and AAARGH!!!!!

    They lock up a kid for being abusive without investigating where he learnt the behaviour :mad: :mad:
    I used to work with sexually abused kids, its a known fact that boys(sorry fellas not being sexist) will repeat what they learn unless treated, you see the same thing in boys at battered wives hostels (hitting their sisters) even tho they hate the behaviour they have seen or been a victim of, it's their dad so they emulate it!!! Any fecking doctor or socialworker worth their salt would know your brother needed psychiatric help not locking up!!!:mad:

    So the perpetrator of all this misery walks alway clean does he:mad: Dear God even worse he has access to the younger boys...speechless,fumming and afraid for your younger brothers, try to gently cross examine them after visits. If he has done anything to them the sooner you get them talking about it the sooner it can be stopped and the boys given appropriate help.

    Its not often I feel sorry for an abuser but your poor brother:sad: more sinned against than sinning:sad:
  6. riz

    riz Senior Member

    I too feel bad for my brother, and maybe that's where all the heartache comes from. I mean, I hate and love him. It's tough.

    I do talk to my brothers when they come back from visitation. I try to make sure that they can feel comfortable talking to me or my mom. I don't want something like that to happen to them too. :(

    I really want to thank you Terry, for becoming as furious as I am. I haven't had anyone on my team in a long time. I stopped going to councelling and none of my friends really know the whole story. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one capable of forgiving him.
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun, he's not the villian of the piece..the villian is walking around like his shit dont stink:mad:

    you are a very good sister:hug: :hug:
  8. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    "Innocent until PROVEN guilty" is not always a good thing... as in dad's case.:mad: And N is caught in the middle - a victim being punished for being a victim.:sad:

  9. LucyLou

    LucyLou Member

    I totally agree with this... I think that you are a very strong person to stick by your brother. It must have been really hard for your mum to come to terms with to. Has any of this been reported to the police? You mention DCFS but im not sure as to what this is.

    Surely there is some way out for your brother and maybe when he is released he may be strong enough to do something about it.

    My thoughts are with you
  10. Tara

    Tara Guest

    i cried all the way through that. Im sorry what your family has been put through.

    Im sooo sorry that your brother N has been put into a detenion centre and has a record. i in NO WAY think he knew what he was doing, i dont think its his fault. I dont know what to say, i just hope hes okay, he was brought up thinking that that behaviour was "ok" how was he to know it was wrong?

    And i agree with the person up there ^^^ how come they didnt try and find out what the background of the situation was before condemning him like that? its awful.

    I cant believe that the father has access to A and M right now. And i thank you, you are an amazing person/sister. keep talking to M and A and make them feel comfortable enough with you to share anything that may have or may happen in the future, all you can do is be there for them

    my thoughts are with you and your family x
  11. ybt

    ybt Guest

    ""Innocent until PROVEN guilty" is not always a good thing"

    to be fair, i disagree. i think different cases should be treated differently, but ultimately, you don't want to lock up an innocent man
  12. underdosed

    underdosed Guest

    wow thats awful. i just read your story and i dont think its sick at all for you to wish it had been you. you just wish you could protect everyone else the way no one was able to protect you. i know how hard to is to get past those bad memories (i still havent been able to). but a friend of mine (the only one who knows-she got me away from my ex) told me there is life after abuse and it doesnt define who i am. im not sure that i believe her yet but i hope that mayb you can

    take care
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