Caution: Child abuse mentioned. ((*Sorry for the length. I am finally getting everything out there. If you are confused about any details, just ask. I'll appreciate it if any one reads it all.*)) I have three amazing little brothers, but for a while, one's been missing. What seems like seconds ago (reality:years) the eldest, 'N', was finally diagnosed with Asperger's Disease. (Simply a mild form of autism.) For years N was treated with the wrong medicines--some that made him violent and some that made him a zombie. He was my little brother, just two years younger than me. He was the only person that shared my father's abuse. We were always arguing but when my dad would start, we stuck together. My father would come home from "long days at work" to the best dinner our mother could afford and with punching bags cowaring at the sound of the opening door. My mom would do the best she could, but when she wasn't there, N got the worst of it. My dad would beat on N and take out every frustration on him till there was none left. I was just on the sidelines, labeled as a fat whore, lazy bitch, and ugly piece of shit. When my mother finally left my dad, I was ecstatic. The other two little ones, M and A, (at the time 7 and 4; respectively.) were furious. What I found out soon after my father's departure was frightning. --------Trigger----------- N had been being 'touched' in the butt by my father for years. With N's condition, it had been easy for him to forget these moments and store them away. They slowly came forward through his behaviors, like reaching into his butt with his hands and wiping his poo on the walls. Weird behavior like that sent my mom through the roof. His behavior stopped and after that, my mom treated it like a phase. After my dad departed, my mom didn't give it a second thought. Now, years passed. N was a little boy then. He was still visiting a psychiatrist and was on medication. So were M and A. My mom had them go because she wanted to make sure they weren't affected by my father's behavior. A had a secret too. We didn't know until my dad left. He finally felt safe enough to tell. He told me, the psychiatrist, and my mom that he too was being touched in the butt. He also revealed that he was told to put his mouth on the pee pee and eat the 'candy' that came out. We thought for sure that it was my father again. But, with time, we found out that it was N. N was touching my other little brother. Due to his condition, he was socially locked away. He started doing what my father did, to A. My mother, knowing that immediate action was called for, called DCFS and got N removed from the house. The only problem with that is he was sent straight to a Juvenile Detention Facility. There is no one there that can help him, or get him ready for his release when he turns 18. He's 17 now. I cry every night because I am missing my link to the world. I am alone with what happened to me. I am disgusted by the mention of his name and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for what he did to A, but I love him, and am sure that he deserves a better place than that. It's been almost 2 whole years, and he is still locked up. He's stuck in the justice system. My dad won't take him in and my mom can't by law. He is now a convicted sex offender and can't be within 500 yards of any children. Though this is all on his record, I know that he didn't know what he was doing, and when showed the right way to behave in society, will never do it again. I was touched too. Not by my father, but by my uncle and cousin. My cousin put his hands down my pants and felt me. And my uncle, he had me put my hands on his penis and kiss it. I was too young to know, and even now, I almost don't believe my own memories. I wish everyday that I was the one touched by my father, instead of my brother. I know that if it was me, it would have stopped with me and not went on to anyone else. The way that things happened, my dad is free--with no punishment and N is stuck in hell. Am I sick to still love N after what he has done? Am I disturbed to wish that I was the one abused instead? I have nightmares still. I guess that's why I can never sleep.