Why couldn't the heart attack have killed me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Valteron, Jan 18, 2013.

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  1. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    I am almost 65 and I have been coming on here for YEARS now moaning and groaning and whining about how tired I am of living. But I have never had the courage to self-liberate and I probably never will. A few weeks ago I had a heart attack and had to be hospitalized. It was a mild attack and did little damage to the heart. The doctors used angioplasty to open arteries that were much more blocked than we suspected, so now I have a "nearly new" heart.

    About a week later, I read about a 32-year old athlete in my city who died of a heart attack.

    How do you figure this? This guy was young, had everything to live for, and he gets the death I wish I had gotten.

    Please don't tell me any BS about how the Lord's ways are mysterious. That is just an easy platitude theists use to explain why their imaginary god does such a perfect imitation of a non-existent being. And please don't jump to the conclusion that my being an atheist makes me suicidal. If you are going to come onto this thread to preach your religious delusions at me, save us both time and SHOVE OFF!

    My reasons for wanting to die have nothing to do with my religious beliefs or lack thereof.

    But once again, I wonder, why couldn't the heart attack have been fatal? It would have taken care of everything! I would be at peace right now instead of typing alone in a room at 11:30 p.m. so other people as crazy as I am can read my rantings. I hate life but I am too cowardly to end it. That is about all there is to it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Not crazy hun no just in a lot of darkness and pain
  3. Lifeisagift

    Lifeisagift Well-Known Member

    Oh my dear Valteron
    I'm sorry that you hate life at 64 years old. Life is wierd. Mostof things depend on how to see it i guess.
    I had many troubles 2 years ago, and i'm still fighting everyday to keep a certain stability. Last february i had a heart attack when i was riding bike. I took a steep path, stopped at the top of it and hell started. I knew it was the end, cause beats were not slowing down at all. I stood for maybe 15 minutes, blind, unable to sceam, talk, call help and then nothing. I asked the same question when i opened my eyes. Was on the ground, gravels on my mounth, incredible headache and heat still beating way too fast. I was frozen, a woman was here, talking to me, wanted to call emergency, i refused so she helped me to get up and go home slowly. And i said to myslef "Why did i wake up ?"
    It happened and it's unfair, period. But when you think about what you leave behind, friends, family, regrets, loved ones... I didn't want my pain to be the legacy to the people i love.

    So i thought a lot about my bucket list, things i have to do before dying : hug a friend who saved me, visit countries i'd love, give my blood to donation centres...
    Yeah you're here, alive, with a "new" heart, didn't expect this. Finally maybe the meaning is "things never go according to the plan". And maybe it's time for you to listen to this new heart, to release pressure, and care about yourself.
    Stop holding back your feelings and dreams, go for them ! think about everything you can do, create and change.
    I'm so glad your heart is okay now.
    Take care !

    ps : keep fighting isn't be a coward.
  4. ADreamer

    ADreamer Member

    There are times when I have wished for death. I've looked longingly at a bottle of pills, a jump rope in my basement, or wished that my body would just give up. I would cry and cry, and feel my heart hammer in my chest, wishing it would just give up.
    Is there anything you enjoy doing? Is there anything you like? Is there anything you want to do? Do you have friends, family who care about you and love you? :( I hope I don't upset you. The only thing that saves me from myself some days is my son. Find something, anything and HOLD on to that. Maybe even talk to someone if you can. Anyone. No one deserves to be lonely. :( If you need someone to talk to, I'd be glad to talk.
  5. listless

    listless Banned Member

    ADreamer, I think you misunderstand the problem. Valetron prefers to be dead, it's not loneliness that's her issue. Why do many people have such a hard time understanding that some people do not wish to live at all, and it has nothing to do with anything they lack in their life?

    To Valetron, I know where you're coming from. I'm in my early 40s and lived my life like a fool while calling other people fools for the decisions they made in their life. For a while the world was my oyster, I really could've had everything I felt I lacked in life. If I was in my 30s I'd say there's still perhaps a chance of getting back the things I had wanted. But now at this age many doors of opportunities have closed off for me.

    I have thought about suicide the day I realized how shitty and unnecessary my life has been and I'm only here because of two losers who had kids-my parents. But millions of people are losers like them and don't realize it and go on to reproduce and give crappy lives to their children.

    But getting back to my point, I've thought about suicide since my early teens-I am grateful at not having my mind/judgment clouded by religion. I left christianity early in life and was happy I did. However seeing the world clearly had made me realize what a crappy deal I had gotten compared to others. I did everything I could to turn it around, but due to bad luck, stupid decisions and interference from my father, things got worse rather than better.

    At this age I've looked back and realized all the mistakes I've made, hindsight is 20/20 of course, but there's nothing I can do about it now. Like you I honestly don't care about living anymore and if it was as easy as pushing a button to end your life I would. I'm not angry or depressed. Just sad and regretting the mistakes I made, but also bitter about being forced into a life with all the shortcomings I have had.

    When I was a Christian I stupidly thought (as they're brainwashed to think) that my life sucked because there was some grand purpose. What a load of shit that was. There's no god, no purpose, just us stupid humans living and doing things.

    Anyways, as for suicide, I think I'm a coward like you and most of us here. But it's not cowardice really, I think it is a rational, sober assessment that we know that suicide is not easy, can be painful, can result in serious self-injury, or ending up with paralysis or becoming a vegetable, since there is no guaranteed safe method of doing it.

    However I personally have done a lot of research into this online and I believe there are some relatively safe and effective methods to end one's life without pain, suffering and the fear of being injured or the other consequences I mentioned. I won't suggest anything here, since I think it'd be against guidelines, but I'm sure you can do your own research.

    I know if my life got any worse or unbearable then my final singular act and focus would be to end my life. I have some projects left to do and there are family/friends who rely on me so that's about the only thing keeping me around, but honestly I'm just sick and tired of life. The enjoyment I used to have from it is gone-aside from some occasional moments. If I had no one to live for I would've already ended it. I think when I get to around 50 yrs old and if nothing has improved, I'll take my leave from this earth.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2013
  6. ADreamer

    ADreamer Member

    Perhaps I misunderstood. I was remembering the statement "typing alone in my room at 11:30 at night". It is difficult to understand someone I've never met, but can sense the pain in their words. Sometimes people just want to die. I feel sad that I can't do more. I only wish to offer something, anything, however misguided. Pardon me for offending you.
  7. listless

    listless Banned Member

    I wasn't offended and I'm sorry if I seemed harsh in my response-it's just the way I am normally and likewise I don't mean to offend anyone either. Sure perhaps loneliness may be one factor but I got the sense that she simply wished to be dead and had enough of life, like myself.
  8. ADreamer

    ADreamer Member

    Thank you. :) I was worried I had upset you. :( I can't say I understand with perfect clarity how you feel. Some days, I wish I were dead, and other days, not so bad. :( I'm only 23, I don't know as much, haven't experienced as much. But I do understand not wanting to live. I live only for my 1 year old son. If I may ask, what makes life so unbearable that you would want to die? :( You don't have to tell me. But I'd be glad to listen to you, anytime.
  9. listless

    listless Banned Member

    No problem and please don't take anything anyone says on a forum personally. Ultimately we're strangers but with common problems. I've pretty much covered the reasons in my post above, but in a nutshell I've missed out on a lot of things in life and just felt it was a big mistake that I'd like to correct. I've thought this way for decades.

    So why do you wish you to end your life, if you don't mind me asking-it seems that you're still fairly young to feel this way. I guess we all have our reasons for being here.
  10. ADreamer

    ADreamer Member

    All my life, I've felt like I had no reason/purpose for existing. I've been searching for somewhere I belong. I searched for someone who could just love me for me. I keep many people at a distance. I sometimes drive people away. :( I grew up with incredibly low self-esteem, no self-worth. I was an easy target for bullies. My Mom never quite understood it. And while she would say her criticisms of me were supportive, they had a very negative effect on me. As a young adult, I had very little self-respect. I dated a couple of men that didn't treat me very well. Finally,after a whirlwind romance, I married a complete monster who abused me, cheated on me, and lied to me over and over. My pregnancy did not stop him from his often verbal, and sometimes physical abuse. It was the birth of my son that finally gave me the strength I needed to leave. After that, I've hated myself for marrying him, for giving my son this complete loser for a sperm donor. I refuse to say Father, as he is unworthy of it. I'm very thankful I left him, but wishing I had never married him in the first place. I've finally begun to confront these demons in counseling.
  11. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Sorry to hear about hard your life has been. I'm sure you ended up marrying that monster and perhaps overlooked his abusive side because of your low self-esteem. It's great to hear that you have left him, that's a very smart move. Likewise, I've grappled with low self-esteem as well, mostly cause I came from a poor family and used to be a small skinny kid-but got built in my late teens. I learned to be confident and act confident over time-even if I didn't feel it, because one thing I've always consistently experienced with people is that when you're weak, people will stomp all over you, even the ones you thought were your friends. Unfortunately our culture doesn't tolerate any weakness.

    Even to this day, people who I consider friends (at work) can backstab me when least expected. Though I have no issue with that with my close personal friends. But I feel intrinsically 'wrong', that my life doesn't fit, like clothes that fit badly. I haven't felt 'right' or 'okay' for quite some time and it's rare when I feel that way.

    It's good to hear you're getting therapy. I think the key thing is that if you have a decent job, you're happy with your friends/family then life should be ok. Just remember it can always be worse-there are people out there suffering far more than we can imagine, so we should also count our blessings. However in my case I'm still not content with my life-unfortunately this negative attitude can carry into the workplace, but I try to hide it well-cause I know other people could've give a shit, they also have their own problems as well.
  12. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    Just for the record, I am a "he" not a "she".
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't think you're crazy at all. I hope you'll continue to post and rant here; I don't think you're alone in how you feel.
  14. ADreamer

    ADreamer Member

    :) Thank you Listless. Your support means a lot. :) You are right. There were warning signs and I ignored them. People do like to kick and stomp on people when they are down. I sometimes feel "wrong" or "not right". But what is truly right? We each have our strengths and weaknesses, skills, abilities. We all possess good things inside of us. What is truly right? Because if being "right" is a mean person who mistreats others, "kick em while they're down" kind of people, then I don't want to be right. We are unique. I feel everyone here is the last of a dying breed. We are people with kind hearts. We are not the kind of people to kick and stomp on people. We are the kind to offer a hand while everyone else just walks on by.

    I feel what you mean on the workplace. I work in a heavily male-dominated job, and the guys are very cliqueish. Sometimes it really hurts, but I just try to hide it, and carry on. In the end, what kind of impact do they carry on my life? Not much. My bosses know I do a great job, and that's all that matters. :) Some people fear that which they do not understand.
  15. listless

    listless Banned Member

    You're welcome ADreamer. :smile: Most often I've noticed that is the case, women tend to overlook a man's nasty side because they are attracted to his cocky/confident, humorous and caring side. And sometimes even after the first time they get shaken or smacked in the face, they think it's a one off situation and it was their own fault. I also think it has to do with a woman's desire to feel dominated, but they should know that they shouldn't give that control to an abusive man.

    By being 'right' I meant more in the sense that I don't like my life, not so much as being right/wrong over issues in life, but I understand what you mean and agree with you. People tend to resort to selfish/aggressive behavior more often than trying to resolve issues in a fair way. Sorry to hear about the troubles you're experiencing at work. Women do have it harder in some types of jobs. If you're being treated unfairly by your male co-workers perhaps you should privately discuss it with your manager and they can try to resolve things for you. In my office it's mostly women who work there, but I rarely have any issues with them-however if I let my guard down, they can also try to destroy your reputation. But I'm sure it's this way for most work environments, just a fact of life. It's good that you don't let it affect you too personally.

    For some people, they get depressed or want to kill themselves because they can't cope with the difficulties in their lives. I think for them, if they deal with one problem at a time, then they can fix things. In my case, the solutions I'd require are unattainable for now so it's why I feel the way I do.
  16. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm hoping that when I have a heart attack, I'll have the courage NOT to call 911.
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