Why did I cry?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I've had a really good day!

    But I can't sleep... thanks to coffee and energy drinks... so I ended up watching 'Cold Case' as the TV was just running...

    It was about teenage mothers in the 60's who were put in a convent to have their baby and hide their 'shame' from the world, to have them brutally taken away... one of the mother's ended up dead...

    It was a lot about how strong a mother's love really can be... and towards the end I was crying so hard, sobbing all grossly... I both cried because I know these things actually happened... but I also cried for myself.

    I just couldn't stop crying... it wasn't just a few tears. It was tears of grief.

    I'm once again reminded that my mother couldn't love me, and my father didn't want me.
    I keep getting stuck on that... No matter how much my boyfriend cares for me and my amazing friend is there for me... I can't get over the fact that I never got to experience my mother's love.

    What hurts even more is that I still spend my time on her, most weekends we're together... and yes, she is the first person I contact when I can't remember how to do a proper foot bath for wounds on the heels...

    I just... I can't handle it.

    I have been ill for weeks now, I thought it was allergies, but I think it's emotional stress. I stressed about mum's Birthday last week because that's always recipe for disaster, because once Mum get's stressed... it all f*cks up... and then I end up doing everything, and get stressed because no one helps and I'm the one having to act like a grownup.

    I'm dreading Christmas and New Years, and that's also part of what is making me sick. My own family is making me sick!
    I'm looking into ways to make it easier... I'll even bring my mandala colouring book and extra colours to help cool down.
    And my boyfriend promised me I'd be able to reach him on my phone if I need him.

    I'm just so sick of having to have all that responsibility put on me.

    My mother topped it off with begging me to stay home for New Years too, I really wanted to go to a party with my best friend... I could need that.
    But 'our' dog, despite getting medication gets really scared and since my aunt is well... weird... my mum needs me to be there, as she put it, she needs someone who knows how to 'take orders in a crisis'.

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2015
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, there. That's a touchy spot to be in, isn't it? Feeling that you need the love the you feel you never had. I'm sorry it was like that for you. As for the depth of the grief, you are holding down a ton of feelings and when there's a small opening, it's like an explosion. A little thing that's not even related can bring up a lot of feelings.

    I think many people here have felt that ambivalence about one or both parents - we want their love, they don't give it, we're angry, and we still want their love and try and try. It's hard because when we want a parent's love, there's really no substitute. Just think, you were a kid who didn't understand adults' problems at the time. Kids think the way adults behave is because of the kids. It's not. Kids just want to be safe, nurtured, loved. Parents usually do what they learned to do from their own childhoods. Sometimes parents are dealing with their own childhood issues, and it becomes a cycle affecting the next generation.

    One way to help get through this kind of thing is to start being a sort of parent to oneself. Imagine if you were a hurt child...would you turn away from that child or go to her and give her a hug and reassurance that she'd be fine? I bet you'd go to her. And that, as hard as it is to accept, is kind of what might help you now. Except that YOU are both the little girl and the adult who needs to help that little girl.

    The fact that you can cry about this says that you know what sort of love and care you want. When a person can learn to give him/herself that "parenting," s/he might start to move away from the sadness and anger at not having had it from their actual parent.

    We cannot change the past or other people. We can be good to ourselves - kind, loving, gentle, caring - kind of like a good mom or dad.

    I hope that makes sense. Caring for myself the way I'd want a parent to care about me has helped me.

    Thinking of you. I hope you feel better soon. *hug*
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