I've had a really good day! But I can't sleep... thanks to coffee and energy drinks... so I ended up watching 'Cold Case' as the TV was just running... It was about teenage mothers in the 60's who were put in a convent to have their baby and hide their 'shame' from the world, to have them brutally taken away... one of the mother's ended up dead... It was a lot about how strong a mother's love really can be... and towards the end I was crying so hard, sobbing all grossly... I both cried because I know these things actually happened... but I also cried for myself. I just couldn't stop crying... it wasn't just a few tears. It was tears of grief. I'm once again reminded that my mother couldn't love me, and my father didn't want me. I keep getting stuck on that... No matter how much my boyfriend cares for me and my amazing friend is there for me... I can't get over the fact that I never got to experience my mother's love. What hurts even more is that I still spend my time on her, most weekends we're together... and yes, she is the first person I contact when I can't remember how to do a proper foot bath for wounds on the heels... I just... I can't handle it. I have been ill for weeks now, I thought it was allergies, but I think it's emotional stress. I stressed about mum's Birthday last week because that's always recipe for disaster, because once Mum get's stressed... it all f*cks up... and then I end up doing everything, and get stressed because no one helps and I'm the one having to act like a grownup. I'm dreading Christmas and New Years, and that's also part of what is making me sick. My own family is making me sick! I'm looking into ways to make it easier... I'll even bring my mandala colouring book and extra colours to help cool down. And my boyfriend promised me I'd be able to reach him on my phone if I need him. I'm just so sick of having to have all that responsibility put on me. My mother topped it off with begging me to stay home for New Years too, I really wanted to go to a party with my best friend... I could need that. But 'our' dog, despite getting medication gets really scared and since my aunt is well... weird... my mum needs me to be there, as she put it, she needs someone who knows how to 'take orders in a crisis'. BLAH!