Why did i do it? **trigger**

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by sophie_b, Apr 24, 2008.

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  1. sophie_b

    sophie_b Well-Known Member

    I cut today. i didnt want to, i just did and i didnt realise what i'd done until it was too late. the worst of it is... i dont feel bad for dong it, im glad i did, and i actually feel a lot better. i am worried i will start cutting again (like i used to) but to be completely honest i dont mind if i do because it helps and it makes me feel more in control.

    Sometimes i just feel like everything gets onop of me and theres no other release. i cant help it. i dont want to become a bad person because i do this to myself, its just so hard to not think about it all the time, every minute of every day. i find myself thinking about it more and more. like today i couldnt wait to get home so i could do it, then when i finaly got home i found myself picking up the scissors and putting them down time after time.

    i dont want to but i do. i feel like im being pulled in two direcions on one side i want to do it all the time because i feel like i need to but on the other side i feel like i cant, i constantly think... what if my family find out im doing it again (not that they would care) it means ill have to go through the whole process of hiding it properly, making sure i treat the cuts properly, making excuses if i get caught. my old scars are only just starting to heal properly.

    i feel trapped. like i havent got a choice. does it make me a bad person? somethimes i think well i might aswell ive lost all the people that were close to me anyway so its not like theres anyone that will notice, that will be affected by it, that will care. what if i make like a deal with myself to only do it now and again like when i feel that i realy need to? is that ok? i feel realy confused at the minute. is it ok to start doing it again? i fear that if i dont ill blow up. i feel this weight on me and its only getting heavier, i feel that some day soon im going to react to it in a realy bad way and end up doing some thing seriously damaging to myself. its like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Help me, any advise is welcome!!!!
  2. lonelyroad2me

    lonelyroad2me Member

    dont worry its doesnt make you a bad person when i self harmed it was a release of anger now when i feel the urge i take it out on my punchbag is there any other way u can release youre pain? pm if u need 2 talk i know how u feel
  3. no point

    no point Well-Known Member

    Cutting doesn't make you a bad person :hug: When I want to cut, sometimes it helps me not to cut when I think of the scarring and also, when I think about how I can't wear shorts or long sleeves if I cut. And I love swimming so sometimes, I also think about how I won't be able to swim if I cut. Maybe it will help you too? Also, I try to distract myself...sometimes, it helps when you watch a good movie, take a shower, go out...just some suggestions.
  4. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Self harm is hard to handle, specially if you dont talk about it with anyone. I know what you mean when you say you feel pulled by two different things in your mind, and qhat it feels to awnt but not want it. The best suggestion is to look for counselling, and try not to stay alone in those moments, because you´ll regret it.
  5. sophie_b

    sophie_b Well-Known Member

    im glad ive finaly found people that understand. it is hard but knowing im not alone helps so much. thank you for all of ur advise it realy helped, i a much better day today i think, i didnt let it consume me as much, i mean i thought about it while i was out but not as much as i have been. i do still feel stuck between 2 choices but i think once i get some professional help it will be a little clearer.
    thanks every one
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