Why did I screw up?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hoth, Oct 14, 2012.

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  1. Hoth

    Hoth Active Member

    Everyday since the night she left me I been going over my head why I didn't tell her how I feel about her. One compliment, one anything that tell her i'm attracted to you or I'm shy but I like you or anything, and she would have been with me. I was so close and now so far. I know I won't find anyone like her again, and I can't find an answer why I did what I did. It was like I wasn't human when I was interacting with her. The whole time my brain was racing and giving me bad thoughts such as "am I good enough for her, why did she approach me, does she like me, na she can't like me, she too attractive" and this was after she said she notice me and that was a huge sign I miss. Since then I have lost interest in everything I used to love and I just feel pathetic, ashamed, guilty, remorse, loser, crazy, moron, and suicidal because of this. She made me feel special, which no one has ever done for me before. Maybe I took her for granted, because finding a girl like that is once in a million opportunity. I could never approach a girl and we both seen each other around and the fact that she wanted me enough to approach me speak volume about her characters. She is perfect in my eye and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can deal with this because my heart is not at peace.

    I want to see her again, I want a picture of her, I want to tell her how I feel about her even if we are together. She has no clue I like her, because I was a robot that night and didn't show affection. I try finding her but I only have her first name, and it been years now and she recently graduated from college so I have a better chance winning the lottery. The night she left me, I never felt more empty. Saying I'm lonely is simply an understatement, I don't think there is a word in any language that can describe how I feel. Any happiness that I might incur throughout the day quickly get cut off by how much better it would be if I was with her. There is no woman alive I want more than her. She has been my crush for a while and I never could ever imagine she felt the same way.

    What can I do? How can i find her or forget about her. I can't move on with my life like this. For example, I love spaceship and Nasa and I didn't even bother to come out to see the Space shuttle endeavor at all, and that really a once in a lifetime opportunity. I lost interest in college football because anything that remind me of college remind me of her. I just feel really insane and helpless right now and this was in 2009, and I feel my pain is even worst than that night.

    Am I a failure? I don't know if I'll ever be with anyone anymore.
     
  2. ksmith86

    ksmith86 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. But has it really been 3 years since you've spoken to her?

    If so... you really gotta try to move on. It's easy to get irrationally hung up on women. I used to do it a lot in highschool, it's normal. You've put her on this huge pedestal and a lot of that actually has to do with the fact that you don't have access to her (or many other options). I swear if girls knew the power they had over men they really wouldn't screw around as much as they did. If you're going to survive in this over populated world filled with horny competitive guys who will stop at nothing to get a piece of ass you have GOT to rise above it.

    Having said that, one thing I've learned is your small day to day interactions with a particular woman really don't matter as much as you think. "I should have said this: or, I shouldn't have said that" really should never cross your mind. If you ignore a girl you liked because you were scared, guess what? That just makes you look unavailable to her and if she's interested, she'll want you more because of it. If you told a lame joke, a week later you can laugh about it with her "haha yeah I was nervous, acted like a total dork! You're really intimidating sometimes!"

    Even now, if you did find her on facebook and you guys started talking and eventually hung out... That night could end up having worked to your advantage.

    Her: "Yeah I was totally into you that night! I was throwing signals your way and you just werent getting it dummy!!!"
    You: "Ikr? I've been kicking myself ever since... ;)"

    It's just life. Don't ever beat yourself up about a single event! Because in truth it just doesn't work that way. Even if you had said all the right things that night, it still might not have worked out. There's a lot of competition out there. Even if you said all the wrong things... it might still be destined to work out. Because what a beautiful woman wants, a beautiful woman gets. No matter HOW BAD a situation is it can always work out favorably in the end.

    You just gotta ask yourself, given the choice: Do you want one marshmellow now? Or 50 mashmellows tomorrow? It's up to you :)
     
  3. Hoth

    Hoth Active Member

    Hi Ksmith86

    It really has been 3 years and by this October it will be 4 years. I can't find her on Facebook ever since the new Facebook update where you need to be their friends in order to search them. I feel you have a very strong argument but she not like any other girls I have met. I thought that talking about partying and being this cool guy at party would turn her on but apparently it turn her off and I didn't know how to really talk to her. I have had plenty of chances with attractive women before her because I'm a handsome guy but if I had a choice I rather have that one special marshmellow than 50 other marshmellows.

    I gather since your the only one replying to my thread that there really isn't much for me to do or cope with, and I really appreciated your reply.
     
  4. missstupid

    missstupid Member

    hello hoth this is my first time on this forum I read your post and the reply I know how hard it is to just "move on" as you said yourself you have more chance of winning the lottery than finding her after all this time, Im a strong believer that we all have a soul mate out there somewhere and as mad as it may sound we always seem to fall for someone we cant have or unavailable what moved me in your post was all the things you wished youd have done diffrently because when you meet your soul mate you wont make the same mistakes you feel you have made I think relationships are the hardest thing to deal with in life but when there good and working it makes the pain bearable good luck x
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know moving on is really hard... there are times it seems impossible, mainly because part of you still doesn't want to move on.

    But it's possible. What happened doesn't make you a failure. And even though it hurts, it's possible for you to move on and be happy again. The hard part is having to force yourself to try and move on... to force yourself to do things you used to enjoy just to get your mind off her. If you really push yourself, chances are that you'll think of her less, and eventually you can start to heal.

    But I know it's hard. I've been there.
     
  6. Hoth

    Hoth Active Member

    misstupid

    She is my soul-mate. Several months prior, I wish for a her to come approach me when I ventured out with a couple of my dorm mates and sat under the night sky waiting for shooting star to fly over. The moment I saw the shooting star, I wish for her to approach me. A month before she approached me, I had some sort of ESP knowing that someone special would approach me between the months of October to December.

    WildCherry

    I can't move on because as far as I know she still want me. How do you move on from someone who still want you but don't know you feel the same way about them? Could there be a bigger crime of the century than this? Hard to imagine I really thought high school was hell but compare to this it child play.
     
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