Why did I sit there last night?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Paradigm, Sep 23, 2009.

  1. Paradigm

    Paradigm Member

    I dont know why I am here, at this forum. I have never really considered myself to be depressed or mentally ill in any other way. Do I hate myself? For sure. Do I feel sad about hating myself? No, sometimes angry, but mostly I feel indifference.

    So why did I sit on the outside of the fence on that bridge, letting my legs dangle down towards the tracks? Obviously my answer will be too subjective, but here's my theory: I like being in power over the choice. It was nice to sit there, knowing that Id be save as I could easily grab the fence behind me when the trains made the bridge vibrate/shake, but also knowing that I could easily let go if I wanted to. I also wanted to make myself feel alive, create some kind of emotional state in me.

    Im not ready to let go now. But it scares me to hell even sitting there thinking that way. Its like with the purging. At first, I felt like the choice of purging put me in control over myself and I guess it did at first. But then it took over that control in a slow, sneaky sort of way and I ended up even more lost than I was before. I dont want the same thing to happen with my thoughts about death. Do I have to be clinically depressed to want to die? Doesn't feel like it.

    // Paradigm
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Have you received a diagnosis of depression from a doctor? I recommend seeing a doctor. I suffer from depression and I use to only feel alive if there were a crisis. What you described here has irreversible consequences if you were to fall. This is too dangerous. Please get help now.
  3. Paradigm

    Paradigm Member

    Thanks for your reply :) I haven't seen a doctor. I dont really think Im depressed but Im confused about myself and think i might be heading that way, so ill seriously consider ure advice.

    But ill start with just being around at this forum I think and see what happens.

  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome hun. So to start you arent even alone in wondering if you belong here. There are others that are pondering the same thing. If you have a reason to wonder then you have a reason to be here. If for no other reason to just talk, get things out, that you couldnt bring yourself to tell family, friends or docs.
    And you wont be judged or picked apart. People here understand and try to help the best they can. And you might find by getting supoprt here you will actually feel like giving it too if you are able.
    Please keep posting, and stop sitting on that fence, about belonging, and the train one too :)
  5. Paradigm

    Paradigm Member

    Thank you for being so kind. And yes, I think giving support probably helps the giving as much as it helps the receiving. If we cant help ourselves, why not help others? :)