Why did I stop?

Had a bad nightmare and ended up going off in my car at 3am
Just drove and drove kind of in auto pilot - good job the roads were empty!
Then I found some scissors in my car and started cutting really deeply. It wasn't until I noticed all the blood that I realised what I was doing - there was no pain at all
I rang the crisis team and went to A&E where they stitched me up and let me go home
Now I am cross with myself that I stopped when I had gone so far - it could be over now
Where does that tiny part of you that wants to carry on living with all the crap come from? Wish it would go away

 

The part that wants to 'carry on with all this crap' is that part of you which knows that life is precious. I know your feeling really bad right now - but even with the worrying picture you paint of yourself in the car - the scissors, and so on - the part that wants to carry on got its wish and here you are.

This is a good thing - because now you ask the part of you that wants to carry on to go away - why not ask the part of you that wants to die to go away? After all - we are all going to die one day for sure - but life itself it really can be a great thing - and a man can find a niche in that life for himself.

The crap in life - sometimes we get stuck in a ruck and maybe changes can be made. With depression its hard to make changes - sometimes isolation makes us kind of just endure life - survive it - pay the bills, like we are on auto pilot.

I don't know what you have in your life to keep you occupied - and do not know what passions you have - what hopes and dreams? We all have those mate - and the part of you that wants to carry on knows that your life could be one you actually cherish - it can happen so easily.

When was the last time you kissed a women for example? Or had some romance?

Maybe the part of you that wants to stay knows that for all the lows you are going through right now - all it takes is some love to make you get out of bed sharpish - maybe make you that whistling man in the street - happy with his lot.

There are many other things in life that might lead to your spirits becoming more lighter - not sure how the work situation is or education, but surely a man of you ability could think about one or the other. Just having some routine - you got to take those opportunities because it gets you mixing with other people and in my book - if I'm on a course with someone for a few weeks - its a friend for life - I mean I'd always say hello and have a chat also if they were not busy.

Work can be good also - but I guess its just hard at the moment and if your unemployed then maybe best to get on some benefits.

You could also volunteer for some work. Friend of mine did this with mentally handicapped adults - he loved it - now works full time and its great pay considering the job is so enjoyable he was doing it for nothing!

Part of life is finding your path - this just means doing something. Staying in and not seeing people for days on end - watching too much TV and so on - its not a good thing. Man is a social creature at heart - he might like to have his hideaway - his den - his own time - but when deprived of company we tend to become sullen at best.

You cannot deprive yourself of love also.

The main thing is to try and busy yourself - fill your time as much as you can do so. As you meet new people - you learn things and if you educate yourself you can be the kind of man who will always have an answer of sorts and not be lost for words. This will make you good company and a good friend to have also.

I hope that you can put this behind you - move on towards getting understand yourself better and finding ways to divert the self destructive moods you have. Many things exist to help - cutting yourself never helps the scars serve as a visible reminder of the hurt, Scars on the inside which we all carry are not on show.

When your feeling better - if you are scarred visibly - you can get a tattoo. I've seen this done for a young person who damaged the arm in the teens and were self concious later on about the scars.

Also seen a tattoo done that looked like someone had been cutting - it spelt the words Carpe Diem which means 'seize the day'.

Anyhow - gotta dash out on a message right now - but to end things - obviously see your doctor. If your on meds - they aint working - that is for sure. Either try some new ones or reduce what your on or just stop as I have done. Some meds make it worse - but at the end of the day if your cutting and want to die - and almost actually did then its worth enduring a few side effects off anti depression meds - and it is worth going to see a counsellor or therapist.

How old are you may I ask?

Either way - I feel for you because I know that there is a life for that you will love. Sure - at times even the life we love is never perfect. For most it is simple - we all have basic needs and once they are met most of us are happy.

We need some love n our lives - one woman is all you need but have some fun if your single. We need friendship, this always means other men we fee comfortable with. If you have a women - you find that all your friends have to be men to avoid jealousy and temptation perhaps. We need to work - but if unemployed we can do things for people - I guess depression hits men when we have no work. We need to be social - but treasure privacy also.

Beyond that we have other passions and dreams maybe. Everyone has a different path and your pit stop in the car at 3.00am was a crossroads in your life for sure. Sometimes we have to hit a real low before we can get back on our path - and I'm hoping you will do that.

Good luck and I really hope things get better in the coming days and weeks ahead. Try as much as you can to busy yourself - I know its hard but there is always something to do if you look hard enough - sometimes its as easy as doing an elderly neighbours garden - but try and help others because that is better than just staying in!

Best of...

My regards and empathy also.

It does get better.

 

Wow! Thanks for your reply it made me smile
It also made me realise that people on here don't really know anything about me. I am not a man but a 46 year old woman with 3 children who are growing up too quickly. I have brought them up by myself for over 10 years.
I had 2 months in hospital earlier this year to try and help with the nightmares and flashbacks that I have and they took me off all my medication and promised me a referral to a trauma centre for some therapy. 6 months later after e-mailing the centre I find that a referral hasn't been made and they have been lying to me.
I have been trying to do everything I can to keep going, I am a specialist advisory teacher and have forced myself to go back to work - I paint a smile on my face in the morning but often cry all the way to work and back. I'm finding it hard being around people and beat myself up about not doing a good job - even though noone is complaining. I just dont feel on top of things and find it hard to stay organised and concentrate.
I go to keep fit once a week and think I am being dragged to Zumba this week!!! AAHHHHH!!!
I am a volunteer supervisor for the National Self Harm Network and answered the very first call when the help line opened over a year ago.
I help my children, ferry them around, do GCSE art work!! but still the suicidal thoughts are strong in my head, the nightmares wake me every night and I am lonely.
I split up from a relationship that wasn't working in January and am not ready to look again yet
So, I really don't know what else I can do
I have a review with my psych a week on Wednesday, so i am hoping that it will help - I think I need to get back onto some medication, but what I don't know
Thankyou for your lovely reply xxx

 

You were right to stop, your presence in the world makes the world better. You help your children, you are a volunteer supervisor and a specialist advisory teacher.

On behalf of all those you help, thank you.