Why did this guy pretend to still go to University even though he'd dropped out?

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by RJInker, May 28, 2012.

  1. RJInker

    RJInker New Member

    I don't mean to sound insensitive, I'm just curious. But a guy on my course at University killed himself a couple of months ago. His housemate found him dead after he'd ODed. It was all quite sad, but what I found strange was that he'd actually dropped out of University about 6 months previously but had been pretending to his friends and family that he was still going. I know he must have been extremely depressed, but it just makes me wonder why he kept pretending for so long?
  2. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    It is possible that he didn't want the questions, and possibly criticism that he would or would not get. he probably wanted people to keep up appearances to others. but no one will really ever know, only he will. It is hard for anyone to say why people do things. there are many reasons
  3. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    ^yeah, that. i can see not telling anyone if i knew that telling people i'd dropped out would lead to tons of probing questions and accusations and feeling even worse...because you generally don't feel very proud of dropping out of school, especially if it was for emotional reasons...although really only he knows.
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I hope that person has found the peace he was so desperately seeking. RIP. :sad:

    I don't blame him at all for keeping up the charade that he was still in school. Depression is such a taboo topic still in many cultures and also to drop out of school, especially for that reason alone as well. Its sad to say that most people would likely be more accepting of someone dropping out of school due to physical disease, rather than metnal, even though mental disease can be just as damaging, if not more! And we have so many depressed people in college, hiding their pain. Its also embarrassing because society says that college is supposed to be "the best time of your life". We are supposed to live it up, party, etc. and yet for many, its a living hell.

    I know I was very close to dropping out in college, and that is where my severe depression and suicidal thoughts started almost seven years ago, right when I joined this very forum. It would have been very bad if I dropped out, especially in my circle of people that know me. Depression is extremely taboo in Indian culture, and so is dropping out of school. My parents probably would have died of embarrassment from their neighbors and relatives if I did just that. There is no way I could let anyone know if I had done that or the fact that I was and still am mentally unwell. But it will be just as embarrasing for my family if I commit suicide as well, and that is something I couldn't mask.
  5. RJInker

    RJInker New Member

    He seemed fairly happy though, and far from depressed. He was always making jokes, and I still used to see him on nights out drinking in the time he would have dropped out of Uni.
  6. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    RJ, the 'happiness' you saw is what is known as 'the mask of depression'. My husband quit working 8 months before he killed himself, kept up all appearances that everything was 'normal' clear up to the day he died, pretended he was still working, went out to lunch with friends the day before he died, laughed and joked with them. He was such a good actor and con that he had everybody fooled-even his psychologist. His suicide came out of the blue for everybody. It's true. Only he knew the whole story and reasons. He left no note, he's dead, so there is no way to know the entire truth.
  7. RJInker

    RJInker New Member

    I'm sorry to here about your husband :sad:
  8. RJInker

    RJInker New Member

    Found out some more stuff. My friend who knew him better said that apparently he was the only one in the year on our course not to get a job during placement year. This is the 3rd year of our course where you have to a year's work experience. I presumed he'd got one because he'd come back for final year but apparently he'd just changed course. Although it must have been quite depressing with everyone getting one, it still seems a bit extreme to kill yourself over it. And I don't understand why he came back and did, or at least pretended to do most of his final year.
  9. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    That may not have been the reason for his suicide. There may have been many things that he kept to himself, and didnt want to talk about. He may have come back because he was ashamed, or felt pressured to keep going.
  10. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    I have done the same several times throughout doing college courses. Reason I did was because I found it hard admitting it myself let alone my friends and family. I'd just ride the bus all day the same route as college was. It was and still does eat at me inside even though they all know now but during it, the pressure I was feeling that people would be ashamed of me and think I was good for nothing had me in tears most days even though I tried my damnedest to make everything seem normal to everyone else.

    I'm really sorry for the guy. As bad as it seems at the time, it can get better. I wish he could of held on a bit longer to realise that.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2012
  11. Aggregate

    Aggregate New Member

    As someone who has done this for the past three years, I would not be so rash to say "why would he do that??". You have no idea how horrifying the pressure from family and friends can be to keep appearances. When your parents have been telling everyone and their mother that their son would be a doctor one day and your friends are all graduating, it is not hard to see why someone would do that.

    This story does not make me feel well about my future. I genuinely hope I will get past this one day.
  12. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I totally understand this.

    You don't want anyone else to know that you've fucked up. You're ashamed of disappointing them. They've put faith in you and sacrificed for you, and you don't want to repay them with failure.
  13. Ladybugaboo

    Ladybugaboo Well-Known Member

    That person sounds familiar to me...