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Why did you have to go....

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Hanging_Hope, Sep 1, 2009.

  1. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    I've erased that memory off my mind. I learned to live pretending that it doesn't exist. It's only today I realized it's still there and it does exist. And I can't seem to be able to pretend anymore. It's all coming back to me.

    Of all people, why did you have to go? Why is it that nice, caring people leave so early? You were my only true friend. And you had to leave. I would give everything in the world to have you back, even if it meant you wouldn't even care a bit for me. Even if it meant you wouldn't know my name.

    You were the only one who ever stood by me through this miserable life. I only knew you for a year and a half, but I felt like I knew you all my life. And I loved you. You never saw me as anything more than a friend, and sometimes you even felt exchausted because of my misery, but you still made sure to stand by me. You never judged me. Even these two hours a week were far more than enough. Now I regret it so much that I never told you how much I loved you. We were really young, but I did. And even now, when I ask myself, who I would want to marry, I only think of you. It's been so many years, and I've tried to forget all about you, but a part of you always remains in me.

    I feel so guilty. I feel like I could have done something to help you. When I got that call, that dreaded call, that you had been rushed to the hospital due to a car accident, my hands felt numb and I couldn't close the phone. Instead I let it fall and the beeping sound echoed around the room. Ever since I'm terrified of phone calls. I can't answer the phone without skipping a beat. It's awful.

    If I could bring you back right now, I would tell you that I love you. That I love you so much and that I have been holding it inside for so long, pretending that love doesn't exist. But the truth is, I've loved you since, and I still do. Even if you could come back and you didn't respond to my feelings, it would all be well as long as I knew you were safe and did what made you happy. You were the one who held me that night and told me that it was going to be okay. That gesture has been so much helped to me it saved me multiple of times from death. Because I know you existed, and you cared.

    The truth is, one reason why I never had a boyfriend is also because I just wanted to be with you. I don't want anyone else other than you. I only felt safe with you. I'll never forget that day when you came to me when I was crying and told me that I look pretty even though my face was red, wrinkled and messed up right then. No one ever told me something like that again.

    I don't think I'll ever forget. The memory in the hospital and the desperate cries that belonged to me and your mother seem to play in mind like a tape, and it won't stop. I just want to close me eyes and turn back time and fix everything. You deserved a long happy life but it had to be taken away from you at your 16 years. I'm sorry...

    And I'm sorry for always making you worry. I'm sorry for being that way. I made up every small excuse my mind could handle so I could have more time with you. You made me smile when no one else could. You were the only person in the world for me. When I lost you, I lost everything. And ever since I've been trying to forget. But today I learned that it's impossible.

    I wish I would give my life to you. You deserve to live much more than I do. I wish you could live instead of me...You deserve your place in this world..Please come back...

    To Nick, my only one true friend and my first love. I love you Nick, even if you can't hear me now...
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I'm so sorry for your loss. If you need to talk, you can always message me.
  3. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    that is a painful story... :( i hope youll be ok
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Im sorry for your loss im sure he knew how much you cared.
  5. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm very sorry. :hug:
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry :hug:
  7. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    RIP, just remember he's resting and safe now. For the best.