why didnt he wear a condom?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by eyehateme, Dec 11, 2012.

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  1. eyehateme

    eyehateme Member

    The story of my life is a sad and depressing one and I promise there isn't enough space to tell it all and no one will have the time to read it. I was born 30 years ago to two fools who didn't want me but were too stupid to were a condom and he blames me for ruining his life ever since. What's funny about that is that neither of them raised me, I went from house to house until I finally ended up with his sister and her husband who couldn't have kids but that was shirt lived cause my aunt died so I had to go back to my incubator and sperm donor. Eventually about 2 years later I landed with my paternal grandparents, two of the most amazing human beings to walk this earth and that loved me to death but life was hard cause they were really old and finances weren't the best but as far as love, devotion, parental adoration and support I had that ten folds but problem came when I was 15 and I found out the reason I was with them was because they didn't want me. Well as a child I saw it as well if the people responsible for bringing me into this world didn't want me then I was just a burden to everyone else. I started to hate myself and self destruct in a rapid way. I was mad at the world and I just wanted to be left alone. The worst part about it is the people who raised me, loved me and took amazing care of me up until that point loved me even harder through my pain and all I did was push them away. The husband of my aunt who died remained I'm my life to this day and I have always called him daddy cause he is but I let him down so many times its crazy and even with the right to walk away from me and my mess he didn't. My fourth parent was a cousin who is 18 years older than me and the most amazing mom ever and yea, I let her down big time too...


    To be continued...

    Boy do I hate me
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: why didnt he were a condom?

    Welcome to SF! I can imagine that you feel sad and that it's hard to feel "wanted" given the way your parents acted.

    The really good thing is how many people did care about you. And your anger at finding out about your parents is understandable. Most people would feel badly about that. Although you got shifted about, it seems there were always people who did care somewhere in your life.

    You say that you pushed people away. Most teens do that naturally to some degree to the people who are raising and who love them. Your ability to see that you were loved says more about who you are now.

    I hope you find the good things that you are, the things that make you unique and special - and then you might stop hating yourself. :hug: Be safe.
     
  3. eyehateme

    eyehateme Member

    Re: why didnt he were a condom?

    Yea so I continued on self destructive path for three years, hating myself and staring to make everyone around me hate me too. I started drinking, smoking, staying out late, skipping school, nor listening, getting into fights and getting arrested. I was on a war path and just didn't care. On my eighteenth birthday I left the place I called home my whole life to return to the place I was born to my incubator who suddenly decided she wanted to be she wanted to be a mom. Worse day of my life, worse Christmas of my life, worse 6 months of my life cause it was about how long I was living with her before she kicked me out. So I was out and alone in a country I didn't know and knew no one. That's when I met the boy of my dreams. He was everything I ever wanted in a man and what I loved the most was that he was the first guy I like who didn't try to sleep with me right off the bat. The first thing i ever said to him without even saying hi was "would you marry me", if you see how fine he is you would so understand. The following spring we got a place together. Three years later we had our daughter, four after that we got married and had our son that Christmas. It seemed like my life was going really well, he was perfect in every way. Smart, gorgeous, talented, hardworking, commited, worshipped the ground I walked on and he was my best friend. You did notice I've been saying "was"...? This past August he told me he doesn't want to be with me any more and that is just the tip of the iceburg.....

    To be continued.....

    Boy do I hate me......
     
  4. trireaper

    trireaper New Member

    Re: why didnt he were a condom?

    there isnt any reason to hate yourself. everyone screws up, even those you think are fautless. its a matter of how you deal with said faults and what you do to redeem yourself. love yourself, no matter how screwed up you are. otherwise, you will spiral down

    so cheer up you!
     
  5. eyehateme

    eyehateme Member

    Re: why didnt he were a condom?

    So here's the nitty gritty of my dilemma. We got married three years ago and we've been through so much together its crazy, and I've made my share of mistakes and i take total responsibility for very one of them but right now his argument is that since we got married I made 3 major mistakes and the third was the straw that broke the camels back. I never cheated or did anything like that, it was more like i made decisions without talking to him first and then when the shit hits the fan my decisions affected the whole family in some pretty bad ways. Now hes had a nervous breakdown and he hates me cause he says is my fault. Everything in the relationship that has gone wrong is now my fault. hes so mean to me and all i do is cry, constantly. we aren't together any more but he wont let us go our separate ways. i don't have a job, I lost my job last year which is the source of my misery. We had agreed as a family not to get the flu shot and last year i was doing a course for a new job i had just gotten so i was working both till i completed my training, anyhow so i went to the doc and she said the flu going around is a crazy one so she recommended i get the shot. apparently i got it and didn't tell my husband. then a couple weeks later i started getting sick. Running a really hi fever, insane head aches lost a lot of weight, dizziness, as becoming argumentative and angry and i kept going to the doctor and they kept sending me back home and doing nothing. Well eventually I told my husband about the flu shot and he lost it but he was so worried about me that he only concentrated on me getting better. Then on Dec 28 last year i had a seizure while he was out and i fell on my 2 year old whose birthday was 2 days before. My 6 year old called 911, i was brain dead for 2 weeks, the doctors told him to prepare for the worse cause i might not make it. I came to but i was completely unresponsive. When i was responsive i didn't know who he was, that i had kids, i knew no one. I don't have to tell u how scared he was. I couldn't walk, talk, feed, myself, go to the washroom, nothing. I was the hardest time of his life and now its almost a year later and I'm almost 100% but now the anger is so insane. hes so mean to me all the time and i don't have any family here its just him and his family and i feel so lost and alone and damaged and stupid. stupid, stupid, stupid. He's so mean all the time, he comes and goes as he pleases and then demands i do stuff for him. he doesn't ask cause hes been paying for everything by himself for a year and its been hard and its all my fault and he hates me to the core and i would go in a shelter but i don ant my kids there and hes not hitting me hes just mean and angry all the time and i feel like i just want to curl up and die but i cant cause im a mommy, not a very good one but a mommy. My life revolves around the three of them, I have no friends, just them and i worked as CS agent from home for 5 years. i fell so small, so insignificant, so dumb, weak, pathetic, boy can i go on......i need to take a break cause this is the first time Ive ever let anyone hear whats going on in my head every day


    To be continued.....

    Boy do I hate me
     
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