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Why didn't it work???

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I tried on Nov. 3rd to kill myself. I brought a huge bottle of water up into my bedroom with me. I sat on my comfortable bed, the one I had been laying in for the last week, and looked at the bottles in front of me. I said to myself that I had top just take them, take them all. And I did. I swallowed them all. I got to the point where I got sick from all the water I drank. And even though I threw up I swallowed it. I swallowed it because I still had pillds in my mouth. Then my boyfriend came home later that night and kicked me out of the house. My father came to get me. I can't remember a dambed thing for a week before or a week after.I have been filled in aboput most of what happened through friends. I called a friend from my parents house and we went back out to my boyfriends and picked up all my stuff. Than my friend brought me back to his house and fucked me.....I don't remember that! Than my ex boyfriend of 4 years came to get me and took me to where he was staying. It is all fucked up. The boyfriend that kicked me out came to get me lastnight and told me that maybe I should come home, but I could behave like I had. Apparently, while under the influnce of these pills, I put his pillow on the bottom leg of the bed and shot his gun. I have never once in my life touched a gun. I have never wanted to. Then I proceeded to distroy his computer........I am still not too clear on just what exactly I had done to it. I guess I also ripped the pages out of my very old bible (I no longer believe in god), and burned tham. I also drew a pentagram on the inside cover. Please don't think I am some evil freak! I don't believe in that religion, but I don't think in my right mind I would have done that!!!! My ex takes no resposibility about just kicking me out. There I was this woman he supposedly loves, killing myself, and instead of calling an ambulance he kicks me out! Am I wrong, but isn't that fucked up? I had <modedit:gentlelady-method>all the same type of pill. I should be dead! I feel jipped....robbed!!! Why when I finally got the nerve to do it didn't I die?!?! I woke up days later in a haze. I cried a lot. I just can't seem to figure it out. Why didn't I die? I never threw up, I kept them a ll down! And what kind of friend was that first guy to take me home and fuck me?! What the fuck is wrong with people. Nobody wanted to help me. My ex just wanted to kick me out, my friend just wanted to fuck me, my other ex just wanted to get back together with me, my parents have uninvited me to turkeyday dinner because I am a bad influence on my 8 year old son (they adopted him whan he was 3).So I am so fucked up that I can't keep a botfriend, can't keep a friend, can't see my son, and can't even fucking kill myself right. Instead odf shotting that pillow I should have shot myself!
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You are here fpr a reason. You have a son now. Forget all of those people that have walked over you. As far as I am concerned, they are fit to be considered human. What kinda of person would do such a thing to anyone? Live for your child. Maybe you should try to change some thins about you as far as your living situation. Getting some type of help that will get you on your feet. What if one day you had your son back? What if one day the turkey dinner was at your house with your parents and your son and you did the inviting? How awesome would that be to have that feeling? Its not impossible. Infact, you are here for a reason. I know you said you dont believe in GOD, but I do. And I also took not that you said you no longer believe. Meaning you did before. Hebrews 11:1. Look it up. Faith, its there. Dont give up. Dont do that to your child. I would give anything to be the father that I never had. And I know I will someday. You are very lucky to have child. . .This isnt the end for you, thats why you didnt die. God has a plan for you. You can either figure that out. . .or you can stay on the road you are on. I hope you chose the right one! Goodluck to you!
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