Why do I always suck ? Why do I do everything wrong? Why do I always fail ? Why do I always destroy everything with my clumsyness? I want to tell you about what happened yesterday: I am very interested in theater plays. I like to act and stuff. Since I am very young I have usually been very good at theater plays. I am good in acting and can learn the lyrics very fast by heart. I am in a theater group...yesterday there was the premiere. This theater group actually means a lot to me since I intended being an actress one day. It's my big dream to be an actress and I missed a lot of school because I had to practise for the big play. I am getting worse at school because of all the missings and all the practisings I had. I was very stressed all the days...had to wake up at 8:00 on a saturday and sunday and go practising until 18:00. Yesterday there was the big play... And I failed terribly. I always thought I was good...but already at the practisings I made so many mistakes. I always confused sides and when for example everyone had to go to the left side I went to the right side and I wasn't in the rhythm with the others and so on. We were playing "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" and I had the role of a random nurse. There was a scene where we nurse/doctor ppl all had to gather and pretend to give a guy some electro shocks. I was looking for a thingy for my mouth that those doctors have when operating ( I thought we all needed it but I confused it with a later scene where we'd all need it). When I found it I saw that the others were already all on stage and starting to play..I thought it'd look shitty to come when the others are already on stage..so i didn't go on stage and they were only five ppl. Later on there also where problems..in a scene i had to be on a side of a stage...but in the next scene i would have to be on the other side of the stage...i couldn't run to the other side so fast and that's why i couldn't do what I had to do. I went to the middle of the stage and made wrong stuff. Afterwards the girls were very angry with me. One girl shouted at me: "How stupid are you ? This really annoys me. Where have you been in your scene? Honestly it annoys me. How can one be so stupid? We don't need those mouth thingys for that scene...please think ! " It made me sad because I always thought theater was THE thing where I was good in and I failed. People always told me that I was good in theater plays...I am good in leanring lyrics by hard and stuff. I also took it because I fail even more in all the other arts. In art lessons I always have very good ideas. Everyone tells me my ideas are cool and they are mostly even better than the ideas of all the others. But I can't put it on paper or make it or whatever. My hands simply don't do what my brain wants. So in the end my drawing look very bad..like the drawings of a 5yo. Everyone used to make fun of me. I also fail in music lessons. I compose songs since i am a child..i still do and love singing and writing songs...but I fail in playing instruments and I simply can't read any notes. So I always had the worst marks of all from the whole class. And now ever where I supposed to be all good... I was the worst of all and that just because of my clumsyness. Always those things are happening...things I don't intend and then ppl are angry with me. Those things only happen bcz of clumsyness. If there was a prize for clumsyness i'd win it. I remember another "funny" incident from elementary school related to clumsyness and theater plays. In fourth grade the other class made a cave...they put a lot of work in it and made it in art lessons..it was standing behind me..and why we were practising a dance I fell and fell into this cardboard cave and destroyed it. You can imagine how popular i was with the other class then. I always get attention because of my clumsyness. When I am around people they will all like me at first..until they dicover all my quirks and that i am clumsy. My brain rly works against my hands. I am very very good in theory. But whenever I want to put it in practice I am bad. I don't even want to mention sports. I always have been bad at sports. When I was younger people used to blame it on my fatness..but now that I am slim I still suck big time. I am slow as fuck, confused directions...I do everything wrong and I can't understand it. People often asked me if I am only pretending to be like that, if i try to be funny, or if i am really like that. This makes me sad actually. It really depresses me because...I may be good in things but nobody sees it. I am always bad in so many things and I am rly the worst one...people constantly make fun of me because I am so annoying. They can explain stuff to me and I will be still clumsy. I hate myself for it.