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Why do i behave like a monster?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Trance, Apr 3, 2008.

  1. Trance

    Trance Well-Known Member

    For as long as I could remember I've loved to hurt others.

    Maybe its because I’ve been hurt so many times, betrayed, and looked down upon.

    Why do i hate 99.9% percent of all the people i either meet or just see casually walking down the street with a smile on there face?

    Why am i envious of the 99.9% percent of all the people i either meet or just see casually walking down the street with a smile on there face?

    In my sick and twisted mind hurting people is my way of teaching weak people how to be strong.

    Its funny because that’s exactly how my father thinks when he beats me.

    Am i destined to become just like him?

    Why does betraying someone else, crushing there self esteem until its nothing, get such a rise out of me?

    Perhaps I’m just like that bastard, I don’t want to be, but changing is so hard. Staying the cold monster I am would be easier.

    I feel guilty after I hurt someone and most of the time I apologize but the damage has been done.

    The person keeps there guard up, there self esteem is no more, and they no longer trust.

    I’ve ruined yet another person.

    Perhaps I just want to fill the world with people just as fucked up as I am so I don’t feel alone, because honestly its me that feels weak, and vulnerable. I have a guard up, and I no longer trust.

    Perhaps I am just like that bastard.
  2. Falcon0006

    Falcon0006 Well-Known Member

    Your not the monster, He has soured your mood up, and you are extremely annoyed by the fact that he is such a horrible person, it show's your not a horrible person as you can recognise stuff like that. The thing is, when someone degrades you like that and puts you in such a horrible posistion, you just start to go inside out from your problems, starting at what you believe are the core problems, and your believing that its because your becoming your dad. The fact is, your not, if anything your turning away from your dad and being the exact opposite... The thing I regret the most about my life is never telling anyone how much of a bastard my dad can be, as it would of saved me a lot of grief, and a lot of having to look down at myself. the thing is, if you eventually recover From all this and become a happy person, you will turn into your dad, because you've let him affect you.

    I say that we inherit EVERYTHING from our parents, some through genes and the obvious things, But others through the way we are treated in upbringing. in your case, its upbringing.
  3. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: I don't see a monster. I see someone who is hurting badly. Being hurt and letdown so many times can effect us, and the way we view other people. When you've been hurt it's not un-normal to want to hurt other people, as a way of getting back at society, as some sort of revenge or to let others experience the same sort of pain you have been/are going through.

    The fact that you say sorry afterwards says a lot. If you were a monster then you probably wouldn't feel any emotion afterwards or feel sorry for what you have done.

    I think you should reach out and get some support from somewhere. Maybe consider seeing a therapist if you don't see one already and take action to prevent your dad from hurting you. I don't know how old you are, could you speak to another parent, someone at school?

  4. Trance

    Trance Well-Known Member

    Well i'm Sixteen and no i dont have another parent to talk to and when it comes to my therapist i tell him little to nothing at all. I have a Inferiority complex, which in my case i feel i'am better then all people that are "normal" or not suffering from an mental illness, so i constantly smile and act as if i have the most perfect life, so speaking to someone "normal" about my problems would mean me having to admit my life isn't perfect and at the moment thats too hard for me, but my father is moving out in two weeks and i'll never have to see him again.