Why do I care what they think of me.. Why does it matter to me what they think.. Why am I so confused.. Feeling like such a failure to them.. Why can't I feel comfortable in this body.. Why do I feel so much self-hate inside me.. Why am I still confused who I am.. Is it just because I want to still please them? I feel like such a failure.. I couldn't protect u brother.. I failed all 3 of u.. I can't be what you want me to be mom and dad.. I can't say things that I want to say.. I feel like my doctors and therapists don't give a crap.. Part of me craves the need to come near death again.. But so confused.. I feel like I am so fucked up.. I was born wrong.. I couldn't protect you 3 or anyone else.. I can't please anyone.. I know I don't have to.. But I can't seem to find myself in all this mess.. Or what I want.. What I believe.. I've been so paranoid of people.. Been so afraid of them.. Why? I feel like everyone hates me.. And seeing that again i know I have felt it before.. But why do I feel this way.. Why am I so stressed..? I feel like I am just a bother.. Some attention seeker who maybe has nothing better to do sometimes.. I question myself way too much.. I question whats happening to me.. And I find no real answers.. And somehow I just think maybe I wont ever have any.. Maybe I just learn to deal with it whatever it is.. The doctors can't tell me anything I feel.. They seem so distant.. and don't seem to care. I thought about calling that crisis line again.. some people to talk to.. feeling alone esp in my gender identity tonight.. And stressed with an appointment at my doctors later today.. But I didn't call.. Just had a cig.. I feel I would just be a bother to them.. I sometimes don't even know why I bother with doctors and therapists either.. But I hope I can at least ask for the occupational therapy and note I need today when I see my doc.. I guess I keep trying.. Seeing if there is anywhere that can help in some area of my life in the least.. I go to groups for youth and such as well.. to try and get support.. I try all I can but I feel like I don't really have anyone as maybe an advocate.. I was told I'm supposed to because I'm on Disability.. But idk if I ever got one.. I feel in a way stuck and alone.. Beyond my best friend I am kinda limited.. And right now some issues are coming up which I have hardly even talked about to maybe 2 ppl.. Things I wish I could say.. But hurt so much my throat stops me.. Things I've never worked thru.. Just put behind tons of doors locked with heavy metal chains inside me.. and which I always find something else to cover with.. I just don't trust anyone.. and I don't feel like anyone cares anyway.. I don't feel others can understand either.. And I don't want to be yelled at anymore for saying anything.. or badgered because I seem "down".. Or being brushed off like I was saying nothing.. Or because they don't believe me.. (I have had therapists do this..) Idk where I am emotionally atm. Everything is in a jumble mode.. Just making me sick.