why do i carry on?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Terry, Oct 17, 2006.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    So low that I don't know how I get through the days.
    My husband upped and left after 10 years without any warning some weeks ago and though it left me in a terrible state, I thought I was dealing ok with it.
    Then friday he rang to say he was going away for a week and that he was sorry he had done this to me. Since then I've felt like the world has ended.
    It's the terrible hope you see. I kept hoping that it was some mad moment and he would come back and now I realise that he won't, that he really has gone for good.

    I didn't know anyone could be in this much pain, nothing seems worthwhile.
    I went to the doctors' today (3rd damn visit) and she thinks I'm having a breakdown and has refered me to a psychiatrist.
    I guess she's right, his leaving has stirred up lots of old feelings that feeling loved had conquered. I know I've been as paranoid as hell this last week and felt let down by people on the site that I felt I had supported in the past.
    Don't even know if that is a valid emotion, just know without him life is miserable. I miss him so much and still love him, even though he left in th most horrible way you could ever leave someone.

    No warning. No talking about what was wrong. When I met up with him for an explanation he had taken his wedding ring off (5 days after walking out) and said he wanted to find someone to love; while he's looking at someone who's grey with shock, lost a stone in weight in a week and is shaking all over.

    He was so damn cruel and it's killed me.
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    "Devastated" is an accurate word:eek:hmy: - I would be also. You have my profound sympathy for what you've been put thru so unwillingly and surprisingly. It's bad enough when you've had warning that it's coming and time to prepare (as if one can prepare for being abandoned:dry: ), but to have it just fall into your lap so unexpectedly is far worse.:sad:

    I think it is a good thing that you'll be seeing a psychiatrist/counselor. You could really use someone to talk to, someone to "bounce your feelings off of", and perhaps even some antidepressants could be useful to help you feel a bit more 'balanced', seeing as how everything you were accustomed to just went upside down.:blink:

    Besides hoping that your counseling brings you some relief, I hope you'll come back here to release your feelings, to "let off steam" before it blows up inside you. We're not "professionals" here but we're experienced listeners and will listen to anything you want to say as often as you want to say it.:smile: We'll be a pair of ears, a strong shoulder, and a pair of arms to hold you up and hands to reach out for you.:smile: :smile: Please come back and let us help you.:smile: :smile: :smile:

    love and hugs and support to you from,

  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hey Deva

    Ermm i dunno what to say about this as im young and i've never gone thru what you have and are going thru all i can do is agree with what Least has said, i think it would be good if you went to see someone, sounds like a rough time right now and i think talking to someone face to face about how your feeling could help a hell of alot, its worth a try you have nothing to lose by going :smile:

    Please take care of yourself

    Love Viks xxx

  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    God that sucks, makes me glad I don't know what love is.

    You should not stop loving him, if he could stop caring about you so easily then he did not love you. But even if your love was not returned it is still love, or so I have been told.

    Maybe get a kitty... my kitty loves me and that is all I need. Well not really cause I still want to kill myself even with her love. But I can feel hope with her around.

    I know nothing of marriage or relationships. But chances are your ex-husband had a dream of what marrige was supposed to be. You did not fill that dream in so he felt unloved and unwanted.

    I find it sad when I meet people who are like me. Not strong but durable. Because we feel a great deal of pain in our lives but never truely break. Well I hope things work out in some way or another.
  5. stevtomato

    stevtomato Member

    Men are jerks.. I know it because I am myself... though i am young (not that=18) i know it because i know i am fickle... pprobably he didnt actually loved you... probably it wass a really long term infatuation.. n i remember i didnt like my gf anymore after 1 month, it took me 1 more mnth to tell her the truth... she was so hurt... that was just a small scale of what happened to u... i cant explain how and why do I not want to b with her anymore. but i think he did it only after a few years is because he doesnt want to hurt u... but he ended up hurting u more... sigh.. i dont know what is happening with us men....

    good luck, dont give up hope... why do you carry on? there is no reason for that, you carry on because you just do....dont stop...
  6. Highlander

    Highlander Member

    I feel the same emotions and pain.
    It is not easy.

    All i can say is hang on in there no long discusions....but we are all on SF for the same type of reasons....pain.

    Hang on in there....ok....The Highlander
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    hi and it seems you have every right to feel as you do...how shocking, and done with such little attention to you...but l hope you will soon realize that it is HIS problems which caused this...didn't l see it coming? no...ppl can hide just about anything they want...how could l have been better? sounds like HE needs the treatment and a good lesson in trust, honor and human descency...and yes, just because someone hurts you deeply, the love does not diminish at the same rate...that is probably one of the worst parts, to continue to love someone who would do this...he wanted out? all it would have taken was an honest and open conversation to save you the shame and humiliation...what a coward! please continue to let us know how you are doing...if you feel like the rug was pulled out from under you...it was! wishing you better times and a place to feel whole again...big hugs, Jackie
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Thank you so much Sadeyes, I had just gone into 'if I'd only done this or done that' mode when I read your kind words.
    There is no excuse for how this was done I just needed to hear it from someone else as I have a tendency to mea culpa that is second to none, so of course the whole thing was becoming my fault, when i know damn well it wasn't.

    I loved him, supported him, never looked at any one else, never said a word when he got really fat. He has a job which required him working long hours and working abroad; I never complained. He ran up huge debts buying motorbikes and cars, I never said a word. In 10 years he has never taken me on holiday, I commented on it but didn't nag and this is how I get repaid.

    I will never trust another man as long as I live, to be able to hide all this and to plan it the way he did (when I thought it out I realised he'd planned this).
    I'm done with the whole race of men.
  9. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    ello :biggrin:

    hope your feeling allright now :smile: Sadeyes put things i was trying to say in an very good way but i didn't know how to say it, but hey im 19 what do i know bout that so my advice would of been crap anyway, but i completely agree with Sadeyes, keep ya chin up and know im allways here for you :hug:

    Viks xxx
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Giving up on all most half of the human race does not sound wise...especially since HE was going through his mid-life crisis, not you...your comment is understandable, but after l was hit by a car, l did not give up my car...l just trusted drivers less, which l am sure is natural...l suggest that you do not make decisions now, other than to reclaim what is rightfully yours, and find a way to trust your judgement again...best of luck again, and please keep us posted...big hugs, Jackie
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Vikki, as always love and hugs.
    Sadeyes, thanks again for wisdom and kindness
  12. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi again, once you see what was and was not you, l think you will find that he was rather fortunate and has lost so much in his actions...but that was yesterday, and all we have is NOW...l hope you can embrace life quite quickly as you sound like a rather special person...l will be sending caring thoughts and big hugs...please PM me if l can lend a friendly ear (really eye as it is cyber-lol) big hugs again
  13. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just sending hugs and wondering how you are doing today...with caring thoughts, Jackie
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