You know I wonder why I defeat myself all the time? This relates to a specific issue in my life. Those of us who are PMing know the situation so I am going pretend everyone knows. There is Z and Y find my other thread. Anyway why do I do this. I go through and motivate myself to do certain thing. Namely attempt to seduce Y or at least start walking down that path. Then I go to a forum and realize the truth. That she is not looking for what I am. Well at least that is the impression I get. "We'll See" is as neutral a response as one can give. Then there are my plans for Z. To wait till she gets nice and close and then plant a kiss on her. Well then I realize that will probably make things worse. Probably resulting in her telling me we need time apart. I get myself all psyched up that this will pour out her true feelings and she will be mine once again. Then I realize she won't, that is just how she is. She will never give me another chance. She would rather be alone than that. It is the same fucking story which makes me hate myself even more. I get so motivated or psyched up. Then I realize the truth. For instance losing weight. I want to lose my gut ,and reshape my body. However, that would entail a year of even more suffering for something that would most likely only mask my self-esteem problem. Here is another example I want females in my life. I am realizing I like them more than males. So I try to motivate myself to go out. However, females scare the shit out of me. I can barely muster up a greeting much less lead a conversation. So I think why even fucking bother. I mean I will encounter years of failure. Probably nothing volute failure while I try and fail to learn how to woo females. So here I am sitting at my desk wondering one of two things. How much force would it take to break the window in my office. After all I am on the 21st floor. Hell I could cause a multi-car pile up. It would all be over then. Or I can see how sturdy my balcony is. I have some climbing rope why not see how much force it can take to break it. After all I am a fatass. I might actually survive. Now I need someone to talk me down. I doubt that buying something will make things better this time. My only hope is for a miracle to happen and one of my many fantasies comes true today. However, that will never happen. I am too much of a fucking loser... well that and I am a guy. I can think of no good reason to keep up this charade. Please.... someone help... I want help but I a circling the drain.