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Why do I enjoy suffering?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by openingdoors, Dec 24, 2009.

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  1. openingdoors

    openingdoors Member

    I think part of me loves to feel pain. It feels right somehow. I know deep down I deserve it, as unbearable as it may be. I want others to see me suffer. I want them to know their pain can't compare to mine. It gives me a sense of morbid satisfaction. I'm addicted to self destruction, I always have been.

    What the hell is wrong with me?
  2. I-Died-In-My-Dream

    I-Died-In-My-Dream Well-Known Member

    I'm like that.
  3. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    You like to be pitied, and could be somewhat masochistic.
  4. openingdoors

    openingdoors Member

    That's true. I do love being pitied. I have no real love for any human being, yet the thing I want the most is for someone to love me unconditionally. That'll never happen, though. I feel that my mind is split between being avoidant and narcissistic. I want power, I want control, without doing anything to earn it. I often wish I could control people, but I feel incredibly guilty and wrong for doing so, even though I don't really care about them. I expect people to conform to a set of values I myself do not, and I consider them unworthy if they don't.

    I honestly do think I'm insane. I've never heard of a person like myself. I'm the biggest piece of **** on the planet, and the reason I'm suicidal is because there's no one who could ever understand me, and if they did, they would only feel revulsion and disdain, not sympathy.

    There are two of me, an evil and good side. They cancel each other out. When one desires, the other objects. I have no more control.

    Sometimes I believe I'm already in hell.
  5. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I think we're already in Hell. When we die we then go to heaven. Everyone gets a bit of everything :mad:.
  6. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I feel much the same way. I'm attracted to the role of being sympathetic and pitiable. I often imagine being deathly ill, and how great it would be to just have others take care of me and cry for me when I die.

    I know it's incredibly selfish of me to feel that way, and I hate myself for it, but I can't shake it off. I want it more than anything else in the world.
  7. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    Humans naturally are drawn to sorrow for some reason. You can PM me if you need anyone to talk to.
  8. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly the same, wow it is weird to know not only me and fourthderiative can relate to this feeling. I'm such a mess, I dispel the feeling people feel during the holidays. I just want to feel how I normally feel. Which is dead. Today I felt a pinch of security and okayness when my family were handing out gifts to each other(we give gifts on christmas eve rather than christmas morning). I don't know if this is really me, but right now the thought that goes through my mind is that I prefer the zombie life to normal life. I tried to hold in this undescribable feeling, this feeling of being such a pathetic mess. Like it finally became apparent to me that people see me as a mental person, a fucking psycho. My family sees me as a fucking psycho. I just burst out in tears in front of my family. It's so dsfhsdjkfsdf, it's like im just not used to this feeling of security or happiness, Ive been so far from humanity and closeness that it hurts so much just to feel an inch of it. Sorry for just randomly bursting out in your topic. =\
  9. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

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