Why Do I Feel Alone In This Crowded Room?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~Nobody~, May 9, 2007.

  1. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I'm not kidding. This room is crowded.

    The room in question is the living room in my boyfriend's house. It is quite small, but in here is a huge telly, a large coffee table, two sofas, and two armchairs. There's no floor, basically. I am here with my boyfriend, both his parents, and both his younger brothers, so every seat is full.

    I am sitting in the armchair in the corner opposite the television. I have my laptop open on my lap, with my legs curled up underneath me. The seating is organised as such that no one can see the screen.

    On the sofa to my left is my boyfriend (reading a book), and his 16 year old brother (watching the TV). In the armchair next to them is my boyfriend's dad (watching TV too). On the sofa to my right is my boyfriend's mum. She has her laptop open on her lap, organising tomorrow's lesson (she is a teacher) but she is also watching the TV. Sitting next to her is my boyfriend's other brother (12), who is watching the TV also.

    There are five people in this room who aren't me. They are happy, they are talking (mainly about the match), they are generally content in their skins, it would seem. I am sitting in the corner, logged onto a suicide forum, writing this out in an attempt to stop myself from crying.

    I can feel the tears welling up. I have a lump in my throat. But it wouldn't do to cry here, now, so I'm just focusing on the words and the tap tap tap of the keys as I type. I feel so utterly alone. I have periods of time when I feel like this, but right now it just seems so profound, so complete.

    You might think this is no big deal. This is the in-laws, after all. Who does engage with them that much? Well I did. A few months back (over my eighteenth birthday, even) I effectively lived here for over a month. I came to feel like a real part of this family, which was especially important to me right then as I obviously didn't feel like part of mine. Everyone was so lovely to me. They really made an effort, they knew I was having a hard time, and they really cared.

    The loss I'm really grieving over is the relationship I had (so recently!) with my boyfriend's mum. She really cared. Or at least I thought she did. She certainly acted like she did. I opened up to her, talked to her about counselling, medication, I even told her that I had been sexually abused. She'd just give me a cwtch and make me a mug of tea. She was great. I don't know what's happened, but it's all so cold now. She's cold now. Or maybe it's just me.

    I sent her a text at the weekend, to say that I missed her. I asked if maybe we could spend some time together at some point.

    This is how I ended up here, 'watching the football'. She knows that isn't what I meant. She knows she's tapping away at her keyboard as much as I am right now. This isn't spending time together. But this is what she suggested. So I guess it's obvious isn't it, I've pissed her off somehow. Or she just got bored of me. I don't know.

    On my birthday, I didn't have my family around. I'd been kicked out. My boyfriend's parents bought a helium balloon, a card, a huge bunch of flowers, a cake, and a bottle of bucks fizz. They presented me with all that on the morning of my eighteenth birthday. My boyfriend's brothers gave me cards and chocolates, and cwtches. I cried. And now I am so close to crying again. Surrounded by the same people. But I can't, and I shouldn't, and I won't. Because these wouldn't be the tears of someone who is touched, these would be the tears of someone who's miles away from everyone.

    What's happened? Where has the warmth I once felt here gone? It's the same room, the same people . . . Maybe I'm just beyond human reach now. But it doesn't seem like anyone's reaching. No-one has said a word to me since I started typing this.

    The thought of a bottle of bucks fizz makes me laugh. That wouldn't touch the sides now. Even first thing in the morning. 70 odd units last week. That's an average of 10 a day. And I'm never ever drunk these days. What does that mean?

    I am just typing. Typing, typing, typing. I'm going to fail her lessons too, that won't help. She thinks I'm revising right now. As if I could revise in front of the football.

    I've never enjoyed watching football on television. Never.

    So, I am alone here. My boyfriend is no company either. He's not trying to bridge the gap, probably because he knows he can't. It's all my fault, of course. So I have no right to complain. I'm not complaining, just typing.

    I am alone at "home", I am alone here, I am alone with my friends. I'm being dragged out again by my best girl friend tomorrow. She's sweet, she reckons a chat and a hot chocolate will fix everything. I'm sure she knows it won't really, but I don't think she knows that I cannot talk to her about anything real. No-one understands me. Even my therapist doesn't understand me. I'm alone in my therapy sessions too.

    The next one of those is on Monday. How grim. I don't want to go, don't want to at all. Last time, I cried, but I was trying to hold it back. She didn't even mention it until right at the end. But when she did mention it she said it was 'obviously' (ha) because I knew I could do better. Nice. It was actually because I felt so alone, so completely alone and so utterly scared, that I felt like a child again. And that made me profoundly sad. And therefore tearful. But no, Sue, of course, you know better what I think than I could ever know myself. :dry:

    My boyfriend actually has his back to me. He's sitting sideways on the sofa. Whatever.

    Throwaway comments and throwaway gestures attack at my insides like acid. Him sitting facing the other direction. His mum thinking football is time together. "He seduced you." "You need to make an effort."

    *sigh* The lump in my throat. It's a stubborn fucker. I'm thinking about leaving and going to the loos and having a cry for a bit, but I have a feeling that once I start I won't stop. And even if I did, me returning bleary eyed would surely arouse suspicion. Maybe it wouldn't be suspicion so much as sympathy, but I can't take the risk.

    I want a drink (the stiff kind). And I want a cigarette (the jazz kind, preferably :rolleyes:). I want to cut (the deep, messy kind). And I want to cry. I really really want to cry. I want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep and never wake up. I hate this world. I hate people. I hate life. :cry:
     
  2. :( Aw hun. :hug: :( I'm here if you need me.
     
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    I'm sorry you feel so alone :( Sometimes people just get wrapped up in their own shit and don't really notice what's going on around them. Your therapist sounds like an ass though. Maybe you can pull your bf's mum aside and let it out?

    By the way, your writing style is fantastic :) You have a real talent.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 9, 2007
  4. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Gosh, I wasn't expecting replies. :blink: I'm very grateful, though.

    Sarah, thank you, muchly. :hug: The same goes for you of course, as always. x

    Yeah, I would agree that my therapist is unfortunately a total ass. :dry:

    I wish I could do that with my boyfriend's mum, but I really don't think I can. Something's gone wrong somewhere along the line, but I'm not sure where. I feel like a link in the chain's gone missing. :unsure: I've obviously done something wrong, or like I said before perhaps she's just lost interest.

    I can hardly blame her. I'm sure I'm very tiresome.

    :mellow: Thank you! Wow, that actually made me smile! :smile: Thanks for the random compliment :hug:. I really wasn't expecting that. x
     
  5. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Aw. I told you I'm here if you need someone to talk to. :hug:

    But I know how you feel, surrounded by people, but you feel so alone. Not a very nice feeling.
     
  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks Jess :hug:

    Sorry, if I offended you. I just kind it quite difficult to reach out to specific people when I need help. Just scared of rejection I guess :unsure:. And I don't want to weigh anyone down more when they have enough to worry about already. Also, I guess I wouldn't have known what to say in a PM or anything on this occasion, I could hardly have sent you the above without confusing you :tongue:.

    Thank you muchly though. It's really nice to know that there are people on here who care about me :smile:, even if I do feel this alone a lot of the time.

    :unsure: :sad:


    EDIT: The football has finished now so I am back upstairs. But I still can't cry or cut or whatever because my boyfriend and his brother are here. I am going mad. There's too much going around inside of me right now.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 9, 2007
  7. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    You didn't offend me, no worries. And yeah, I know the feeling as well, the one where you feel weird asking for help from people who have offered it.

    Ha, it might have confused me. :tongue:

    And aw. Don't go crazy, just distract yourself with something.
    :hug:
     
  8. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    :hug: Jess.

    *opens bottle of wine after several intense minutes of contemplation over whether I should or not*
     
  9. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: I didn't mean distract yourself like that... :(
     
  10. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Ahh sweetheart, it has been on my mind all day. Don't worry :hug:

    In all seriousness, I don't know how else to distract myself, really. I'm in the dark place again and my mind keeps going places I don't want it to.

    I don't know what else to say. :unsure:
     
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You're welcome for the compliment! I meant every word :) Maybe you can pull your bf's mum aside and ask her if there is anything you have done to upset her? You might find out it's nothing, or just something silly that you can fix. Hang in there :hug:
     
  12. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm here if you need me. :hug:
     
  13. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I think I'm a lost cause, Peanut. :sad: :hug:

    Thanks Jess, I do appreciate it muchly :hug:.
     
  14. ;{ dont overdo the drinking please hun. :hug: be safe, here if you need me.
     
  15. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thank you Sarah. Love you to pieces :hug:.

    Don't worry, I won't overdo it, I only have the one bottle at the very most. Thanks for caring hon'. x
     
  16. i love you too, id prefer it if you didnt drink. :( :hug:
     
  17. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Nod, Peanut has a really good point..why not ask her if you've done something to offend her? At least that way you would know.
    Have sat in a room feeling outside of it too, it's not a nice feeling. Sylvia
    Plath wrote a book that sort of encompasses that feeling, it's called The Bell Jar, a good if somewhat disturbing read.
    Well, I'm waffling :blink: so will shut up while I'm ahead..here's some :hug: :hug: :hug: 's as I can't be there in the real world. :sad:
     
  18. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I could try... I guess I'm just scared of what she'll say. Texting her at the weekend to tell her I missed her was kind of about as reachy outy as I'm capable of being :unsure:

    I love The Bell Jar :smile:, and Sylvia Plath in general (hence my sig). I haven't read it in ages though.

    Thank you for the :hug:s, they mean a lot to me and made me smile. Thank you :cheekkiss.

    x x x

    PS. I like it when you waffle! :smile:
     
  19. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Wanted to reply to this earlier but had no words, got less now they seem to have fallen out my head, so...got nothing really that'll make it better, no magic wand, but know that you were heard. And i agree with Peanut, your writing's great. I'll send you some :hug: :hug: even though i only like them if they're real. :sad:
     
  20. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Kindtosnails, thank you for the compliment too! :blink: :smile:

    And thanks for replying, I'm amazed that several people actually read this waffle. It means a lot to me that you replied, and sent me hugs. Sorry I can't give you any real ones, but maybe you'll like these better than nothing :hug: :hug: :hug:. x