why do I feel like this?

4 years ago I tried to kill myself. I messed up, and was in hospital for 3 months recovering from my severe injuries.

I was suprised and touched how well I was treated by the staff. For some bizzare reason (and I honestly do not know to this day know why) I have found myself, some 4 years later still thinking about one of the staff in particular, a physiotherapist. I only had her for a day and yet, she has left a lasting impression...

I went to a different hopsital and she was there at the different one always stared at me and made me uncomfortable even my mother commented "Tony, do you know that girl? She keeps looking at you".

I cant stop thinking about her. Actually, that would imply I had a choice...she just pops up all the time with no explanation or reason. If i see a person being injured I worry that she has to deal with that stress. If I see issues about poor job opportunitiy, I worry that she is out of a job. If I something I am ashamed of, I worry what she would think of me.

Now I know a lot of you are reading this and thinking "schoolboy crush."

I DONT WANT to think about her, I really don't because its too painful. I don't fantasise about her in a physical/sexual manner and I really, honestly cannot see myself indulging in a relationship with this woman. Its not for any reason, I just cannot see it happening.

Its torture...it really is. I do not:

1) see myself in a relationship
2) want a relationship
3) want to be married to her
4) see her as the one true person who really understands me and can forgive me for my sins

So why does she keep haunting me like this? Why is it just her? Why not everyone else? Why wont she go away?

Her presence reminds me of this very unhappy and turbulent time in my life. A friend suggested that I try and find her...and have a "chance meeting" with her, and see how things progress in order to allow me to move on.



Im sorry if you have read this and thought it was nonsense or melodramatic.

 

It is understandleable that this therapist has left an impression on you..My first time in the hospital I had a therapist who really got deep inside my head, she would have me crying like a baby.. The next two times I was in there she did the same thing. She was very helpful..To this day I still think about her..My therapist I have now has alot of the same traits..Are you presently in therapy?? I think when you find the therapist you feel comfortable with she/he will help you thru this..

 

It is not uncommon she was able to reach you and show you compassion and understanding. Her kindness has helped many people heal. I think having a therapist is a good idea though to help you work through your thoughts.

 

She is stuck there because she on some level more than the other staff was able to give you what you were so desperately seeking at the time of your attempt. Someone who cared and understood. I have the same thing with an intern that was on my pward. He didnt even really treat me. But one night I felt so alone there and in the world in general. He heard me, came into my room and sat there. He let me cry and then asked if I needed a friend. So he sat there for another hour and just shot the shit with me. No therapy, no advice, just talked. I see him from time to time and I worry about him too just like you. Because he is truly a remarkable person that understands others so well.
You're friend may be on to something. I would see if you could contact her. Suggest maybe even a bite on her lunch break. And tell her what you have said here. That you think of her often, worry about her and to thank her for what she did for you during your stay. Maybe you never got the chance to do that before? Maybe you never got closure on what she did for you? Might be what you're looking for. Good luck.