Why do I feel like this!?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feathers, Nov 24, 2010.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    My boyfriend stays over 3 nights a week, Sunday, Monday and Thursday. He's at work three nights a week and plays pool on the last night. So basically he spends nearly all his free time here. I grow to depend on him being here those three days. Every night I spend alone is just a night I have to get through so that he can stay again. Then when he tells me he can't come over one night for whatever reason I get really really bad.

    Like tonight, he just text me telling me he wasn't paid tonight, so he probably can't come over tomorrow. I've been so lonely and depressed tonight, I hate being alone so much that I wish he could be here now, and can't even wait 'til tomorrow, the thought of waiting 'til tomorrow is hard, but the thought of having to wait until Sunday and not seeing him tomorrow, I'd rather die.

    I know that's really melodramatic but I just overreact so bad to stuff especially with him not coming over, I always think it's because he doesn't really want to come over otherwise he'd find a way (he usually borrows money off his mother when he gets paid late). So I always think he's getting sick of me and needs a break from me because I'm just too much to deal with. Which, to be fair, I am, but the thought of him being sick of me is too hurtful for me. It makes me suicidal that he might not be over here tomorrow.

    I know this is something really small to get this upset over, but I think it is BPD. Honestly right now I'd rather just die than have to be by myself for a whole extra night. I can't be without him - I tried once, when we broke up for two weeks (my fault, again) and I just couldn't be without him. Now it looks like I can't even be without him for one night.

    Am I crazy and over the top melodramatic? :(
  2. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    No, i would say its normal for you to want to be with him, and its only for a short period of time youre without him... just hold your breath and relax

    Its better to have something to look forward to, than not to...

    But maybe you are being abit over the top with fears and worries

  3. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Kazine we all feel as we feel, your insecurities run deep, but thats ok. Recognise them for what they are, lonelyness and depression are a destructive cocktail, try not to drink too much.
    What we must try and do is not see it as being alone, but as being in our own company. Life your own life and try to be whole, the inner you is what is important. I hope you can find that. Sometimes true love is letting go, it hurts the most though, by concentrating so much on your man you are not giving yourself enough love, and you need to, we all do. Love yourself for what you are and can be, do little things that make you happy when he is not around. Slowly build yourself up, hold your own heart sometimes not just his. Become whole again Kazine and i promise you, you will never be alone again. regards Pete
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