Why do I feel so lonely?

[jessikah2k8]

Ever since I was little and my dad died I've been seeking for security and reassurance in boyfriends and relationships. But my relationships always end up failing and it's breaking me apart.

When I have a boyfriend it's like I'm transformed - I'm a happy, great person to be around. All bad parts in my life seem to float away. Then when it all ends - I'm left worse than I was before.

Last year, I had my first sexual relationship. He was very forceful, very menacing, the police are charging him for indecent assault, but I miss him a lot. I loved him a lot, and I know he felt the same for a while. Until he knew he could wind me around his little finger that is. I miss the way I felt around him, I miss his face and I miss his company.

My most recent ex, avoided me for weeks on end, leaving me hanging on and only dumped me once I got so paranoid I started begging him to reassure me we were OK. That's when he put the news on me, claiming "to not have the same feelings as before". He avoided me after having sex. He was a virgin before he met me, and although he claims he wasn't in it for that, I don't believe him and it has made me so blue.

I really loved him, and after 6 months of being unhappy after my abusive ex, he made me really hopeful for the future, only once again, I'm let down. The worst thing is - I cheated during those weeks I didn't see him because I was that desperate for a bit of attention. Then I blamed myself, I felt like a whore, told him the truth and he hates me for it.

Ever since then, I've felt empty. I have nothing to look forward to, and I feel so lonely all of the time, no matter how much company I am in. I can't eat, as I have such a poor self esteem and think every boy dumps me because I'm ugly. Even though I do a bit of part time modelling and get told I'm gorgeous. It's OK for them to say it - but I don't feel it. I feel ugly, fat, useless.. like nobody wants me and that everyone thinks I'm easy.

I lost a baby to miscarriage last year, and I'm still upset about that too and it doesn't get any easier.

I dunno what to do.. or whether I'm depressed or what.. fucking feels like it anyway. :sad:

 

[darkrider]

I'm sorry about your baby.

This story rings alarm bells because it's something i've read before, when someone has been without a father from an early age.

I don't really know what to say. You should try not to rush into relationships unless you think its right because its not easy to find a special person. Possibly being male it's hard to understand about your need for a relationship but I often long for a partner. I guess it's someone you will spend a lot of time with, basically another half of you. I've never been in a relationship (out of my own doing) so i've no idea what it feels like but if it quells the lonliness then I symphasise. I know how it feels to be alone.

 

[Hazel31]

i know exactly how you feel.I feel the same way too. Men makes use of me of my vulnerability and left once they had sex with me. It hurts a lot when you put so much hope on that relationship and end up getting dump and still years for the love and touch. I loved my bf so much that when he dumped me, i couldnt take it anymore, i started to sleep around, cut myself. He said that im worthless for him and all i have done to him is to love him more. i feel so lonely without him... trust me, i have gone through the same thing. I really hope that you will feel much better because you are not alone in feeling this way.