I dont even know where to start. Ive been in therapy...many years of it. Im a 37 yo male, married, two beautful children, great job, good family, lots of support. You would think that I should feel that I have everything to live for. Ive been struggling with this for a number of years now. Ive come so close to just ending it so many times (which makes me believe I really dont want to die...its the only thing keeping me going right now sometimes) I have everything I need...Pills, vodka, and my trusty Glock. Ive taken the pills for the courage, washed them down with plenty of vodka, had the barrel in my mouth but I just couldnt pull the trigger, I have still been unable to pull the trigger. I dont know where else to go from here, I just put the gun down again for the 14th time in so many months..I keep track in my journal...i feel like I should just take more of the pills also, but I want this to be final...if someone finds me after Ive taken the pills I can still be saved, if I blow my brains out there is no turning back. Im still on the verge..Im hoping I can accomplish this tonight. I dont even know why I am so desperate but I just am...I cannot cope with the losses any longer...its eating away at me, been eating away at me for years now. some little part of me must not want me to die becuase I am here but I also needed some whay to vent and if this is my final testimony then at least I have someting written down. I love my children more than anything in the world but I think sometimes they would be better of without me and they would get over it and go on with their lives and can be happy. I have a letter I wrote to my oldest son which I have with me and will leave it here at the table which will explain as best as I can why...I hope he understands. I just feel like I cannot go on any longer, I just cant. Im so tired and wish I could just go in my sleep but when I wake up the next morning I am dissapointed. As soon as I get up the courage again tonight I am going to try again. Maybe I will finaly be able to accomplish something.