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Why do I feel this way...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by StangerInAStrangeLand, Aug 13, 2008.

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  1. StangerInAStrangeLand

    StangerInAStrangeLand Well-Known Member

    I'm on two anti-depressants and I still feel like committing suicide - I've been looking up methods on the internet. I cannot seem to stop thinking about it. My psychiatrist doesn't believe that I'm still depressed on the meds (I hide my emotions, like men are supposed to). I worked in the electrical trade so I know a sure fire method that is quick (not painless, but the pain only lasts a few minutes).

    I'm just so tired of fighting to get ahead and not making any progress - it seems like I'm stuck in this state. I already talked to my psych people about my suicidal feelings - they make me promise I won't do anything for the week until I see them again but that won't stop me.
  2. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    Love is worth living for. If you dont want your life then give it up to God. Let God have your life. Be a tool/machine of love. And as you send love out into this world, you will receive love back. Just hold on a little longer, Good things may yet come.
  3. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    And men do show their emotions. Its healthy. Cry every night if you have to. Also express yourself. Draw, write, work out, learn a musical instrument. Dont keep it inside.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    try and open up to your psych. a good psych can help you learn new ways to cope with feeling suicidal. the urges won't go away quickly. healing is a very slow process, it takes time, often more time than we expect or are willing to give. give yourself the gift of time, the gift of deferring action on those feelings to another day. you are worth it. just say to yourself: today i will not act on these feelings, but i always have tomorrow. some day i hope you can replace the tomorrows with weeks, months or years.
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Yeah. What Dazzle says.

    I make myself be honest and open to my therapist. And I take life just one day at a time. The past is gone, and I can't change it, anyway, and the future is never certain. I find that it's possible to handle the moment by letting go of the past and not obsessing about the future. Live in the immediate NOW.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi galalleni. I hide my emotions too, as men are 'supposed' to. I haven't cried in over 14 years, since I was a child. I don't think that this is healthy though, and a little emotional release might be a good thing.
  7. StangerInAStrangeLand

    StangerInAStrangeLand Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies - I'm feeling a bit better - still depressed though - my psychiatrist recommended I go on another antidepressant (luvox). Sometimes the depression gets really bad though - just had a meeting of my caretakers where they said I wasn't able to take care of myself and will have to be in someones care for the rest of my life.:sad:

    Gonna hold off on the suicide though.
  8. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Bullshit. If you give love, that doesnt mean that you will get some love, too. And besides, when you're ugly people dont want your love, its a fact.
  9. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    We give love just to express love, not to receive anything in return.

    I know what you're going through with your meds. It's been a long, tedious process, trial and error, for me. You're fortunate to have a team of people who care enough about you to give you the help you need.

    It seems that you're working on focussing on living life one day at a time. That's one of the best things you can do for yourself. It may or may not have an effect on your depression, but it makes today livable. Tomorrow? Who can know what's ahead? For those of us who live with chronic depression, we know that there will probably be more depression. Medications do help us with the organic part of our depression, but for full treatment, therapists are vital to our mental survival.

    You deserve a life, a life of mental well-being. Life doesn't always dish out what we deserve though, does it? My challenge is to do what good I can, to be a man of integrity each day. And it's a very real challenge with depression in the mix.
  10. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to know that suicide is put on hold - that you're able to do that.

  11. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    maybe go see a movie, rent a DVD, listen to some music or try deep breathing or just stomp around a parking lot for 20 minutes if u can?
    ANYTHING that u think might empower you. no, i am not a life coach
    just what i do along w/ a lot of other stuff. write, draw, sing, dance,
    scream, cry, build, destroy. Goes w/ the territory. watched a family leaving
    IHOP tonight teaching their kid how to make farts under his arms.:laugh:
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know how you feel about your shrink! I received a new one because mine retired. This new guy has already changed my meds. I have met with him twice and he has already decided I am suffering paranoia. He hasn't even looked at all the other symptoms. I suffer from augorphobia, socialphobia, irrational thoughts, mood swings, depression, anxiety, paranoia, and a few others. It took several years to get that out of me because I don't say much face to face. I don't know where ACT came up with him? I am not overly impressed with this guy. He had me bring my sister in to talk to her. Well he asked if he could share something with her so I said yes. Then he started reading off stuff that I didn't want shared. I finally told him to shut up!! Now he will have a case of the ass with me everytime I meet with him. My therapist will say quit fortune telling. There is no pruf he will be angry with me. By the way the meds he switched me to are for scyzaphrania. He insists I am hearing voices. He must of asked me that in the last meeting at least a dozen times. I told him I see things moving in my parifrial vision. But I don't hear voices... Sorry I got off on a tangent.Yes men do cry. I guess you have to be honest with yourself and your masculinity. My first three or four years after my breakdown I would lay in bed and cry because my life was so f****d up.I have slowly started coming around and lettin go of those negative thoughts. I still have a long ways to go. I am 6'3"tall and weight 317 lbs. I am also a former biker and a former Marine..So I wouldn't say I am A whimp!!! I hope you dig down deep and learn to live with your feelings, once you start that then you can start working on your thoughts. Hopefully you will seek out a therapist because they play a big roll in getting you healthy again!!! Take Care and we are here for you!!!
  13. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    My therapist terminated me - first, because he's opening a private practice and won't be working much for the county mental health, second because he thinks I'm okay. I wear a great mask, so not even the psychiatrist or the psychotherapist have a clue where I really am. I smile, answer questions more or less intelligently, and don't show much emotion. I suppose if I cried and/or showed anger at one of the staff, they'd be setting me up with another therapist, which I am not at all interested in because I told Peter more than I've told any other human being, and don't . I've had major depression for many years (diagnosed 8 years ago), PTSD, OCD, anxiety disorder, and BP. If they had poked around much more, they'd probably add a couple more to the list. But, they're tired of having me around after just over a year. It seems they don't realize close to suicide I am or how depressed I am. At least they didn't kick me out of the support group.

    Living a life of being polite, kind, considerate, putting others first, loving a lot of people prepared me to behave socially correctly, able to hide the socially incorrect feelings. Sound familiar? I suspect our club is a large one. At least we can express our real feelings here.
  14. ToddMAdl

    ToddMAdl Well-Known Member

    There's your problem right there. I say this from personal experience, if you bottle up your emotions they may disappear the moment you choose to bottle them up but they always reappear in one way or the other. When something pisses you off that normally isn't a big deal or you overreact to something, that is usually anger that has been stuffed away that is finally being vented out. Tell your psychiatrist how you're feeling. That is their job and that is what they are for. Whether they ask you not to harm yourself is beside the point, vent your feelings and even if you know you can't promise that you won't hurt yourself, atleast lie and if you can't do that and it becomes a bigger issue then find another psychiatrist. You have to get your feelings out, it's not healthy or right to bottle up your feelings, that is just another thing that is stupid that society conditions us to do since we are men. You have to vent and cope with your feelings and get them out in some way or else they will destroy you from the inside.
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