Life still seems complicated. With my brother this way and all my issues i feel like nothing matters anymore. And now cause i took that burns checklist i know i am severly depressed. I feel like nobody can possibly get me and even though i communicate with people i still feel like i am already dead. I think my cousins are better than me, more pretty and smarter. I also feel that what i say is inferior to what they think. I see people with jobs and girlfriends and they're smiling true smiles and i'm just watching them everyday wanting to be them. And my mum guilt tripped me saying that if i ever did anything she would be right behind me, like she would kill herself too. How controlling and emotional blackmail. And they're (mum and "him") are going away on holiday in august and they always go out to places too. Things aren'y going to change i know there not.