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Why Do I Hate People Being Nice To Me When I'm Sad?

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#1
I've got a question on something I've never understood.

When I get upset and people are nice to me about it, I really, really don't like it. I rarely feel angry and even now I wouldn't call it anger, but I get this feeling of "would you just fucking stop being nice" if I'm feeling upset.

Today, I just got wound up over so many things and a game was frustrating me and I cried, and someone I was calling was like "it's okay don't worry, it's okay to cry" and I just told them I don't want to talk about it because I hate that reaction, and I have no idea why. Its so kind and thoughtful, and I hate it? Its been like this every time I've been sad in front of someone.

I don't really get this over messages or here for example, but I'm wondering if that's because I'm the one who's reached out in that case.

I don't like feeling that way - I wish I was more open to support like that, but I'm really not. When I get upset I want a hug, but then in reality if I'm upset and someone is nice and offers me one, I really don't want it.

Any insights? Anyone the same?

Sending hugs
 
#2
Could be that you don't like feeling vulnerable, or maybe it's more of a privacy issue.

When I get upset I want a hug, but then in reality if I'm upset and someone is nice and offers me one, I really don't want it.
What if they said nothing, but just hugged you, would that make a difference?
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#3
Could be that you don't like feeling vulnerable, or maybe it's more of a privacy issue.


What if they said nothing, but just hugged you, would that make a difference?
Yeah, even hugging I'm not a fan when I'm like that. Not feeling vulnerable is a good theory... I feel like it's not it, even though I don't know what it is, but my brain does like to deny things that are true too, so it's certainly a good theory.

Sending hugs

Em
 

Freya

Loves SF
Forum Owner
ADMIN
SF Author
#4
Ohhhhyeah I feel you on this. I feel exactly this way. I don't think I have a reason for it (which is, I appreciate, what you are asking for). If I am upset or in a bad headspace I strongly strongly recommend that people leave me alone. Definitely don't try to make me 'feel better' because it is going to make me want to scratch your eyes out. And I do know that is a kinda dick response to someone being nice, but it doesn't alter how I feel. I think that it is relatively common actually - just with a lot of people it manifests as picking a fight. I try really hard not to pick fights as I suspect you do also because its a crappy thing to do and we try not to be crappy people. Many many many people pick a fight when they feel upset though, often with the person trying to be nice to them. So I do not think it is an unusual response.

Maybe it is to do with needing to feel what you are feeling and when someone is nice there is a subconscious implied obligation for you to 'feel better' (even if they are telling you it is okay to be upset, there is an implication that them being 'okay' with you being upset is supposed to be a positive thing that makes you feel good in some way). I think that when I feel bad I need to work through it - feel it until my brain has processed it and dealt with it. The 'being nice' is almost forcing me to stick that feeling in a box and pretend that things are okay, which I resent (particularly when I don't think I get upset on a very regular basis so if I AM upset it is because there is something there to process/deal with).

All just my rambling opinion, of course. And I can only speak for myself. If you know that 'nice' is going to be a problem for you I do think that, especially with people important to you that you have a close relationship with, it is perfectly okay to explain that to them.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
I can relate to this a bit. It's definitely about not wanting to feel vulnerable, for me, I think. And I sort of always want to control people's reactions, like I don't want too much attention my way, I want just the right amount?
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#7
Ohhhhyeah I feel you on this. I feel exactly this way. I don't think I have a reason for it (which is, I appreciate, what you are asking for). If I am upset or in a bad headspace I strongly strongly recommend that people leave me alone. Definitely don't try to make me 'feel better' because it is going to make me want to scratch your eyes out. And I do know that is a kinda dick response to someone being nice, but it doesn't alter how I feel. I think that it is relatively common actually - just with a lot of people it manifests as picking a fight. I try really hard not to pick fights as I suspect you do also because its a crappy thing to do and we try not to be crappy people. Many many many people pick a fight when they feel upset though, often with the person trying to be nice to them. So I do not think it is an unusual response.

Maybe it is to do with needing to feel what you are feeling and when someone is nice there is a subconscious implied obligation for you to 'feel better' (even if they are telling you it is okay to be upset, there is an implication that them being 'okay' with you being upset is supposed to be a positive thing that makes you feel good in some way). I think that when I feel bad I need to work through it - feel it until my brain has processed it and dealt with it. The 'being nice' is almost forcing me to stick that feeling in a box and pretend that things are okay, which I resent (particularly when I don't think I get upset on a very regular basis so if I AM upset it is because there is something there to process/deal with).

All just my rambling opinion, of course. And I can only speak for myself. If you know that 'nice' is going to be a problem for you I do think that, especially with people important to you that you have a close relationship with, it is perfectly okay to explain that to them.
This is really insightful, I'm definitely the same. It could be that, I think the point where I do show up and get upset is a point where I'm past being able to control how I feel. Usually I'm able to maintain that I'm okay to people even when I'm not, so when I do get upset, I've lost control of that, so people trying to make me feel better may be a stress to "how do you expect me to do that" kind of way? Interesting thought :D

I can relate to this a bit. It's definitely about not wanting to feel vulnerable, for me, I think. And I sort of always want to control people's reactions, like I don't want too much attention my way, I want just the right amount?
That makes sense, I never like attention, so perhaps it's that, too.

Sending hugs :)
 

Sevven

Well-Known Member
#8
I secretly think I suck because I was programmed to feel this way since childhood. I KNOW I'm okay, cool enough, not hideously ugly or an awful human or anything, but I can't shake this deep down feeling that I'm awful. It motivates a lot of my behaviors, albeit largely subconsciously. When people try to help me I often realize it upset me because I feel like if they knew how awful I was they wouldn't try to help. It's not nearly so straight forward when it's happening, more of an after the fact analysis realization, but that's what your post made me think. 🤷‍🤷‍♂
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#9
I secretly think I suck because I was programmed to feel this way since childhood. I KNOW I'm okay, cool enough, not hideously ugly or an awful human or anything, but I can't shake this deep down feeling that I'm awful. It motivates a lot of my behaviors, albeit largely subconsciously. When people try to help me I often realize it upset me because I feel like if they knew how awful I was they wouldn't try to help. It's not nearly so straight forward when it's happening, more of an after the fact analysis realization, but that's what your post made me think. 🤷‍🤷‍♂
That's an interesting thought... thanks, got my brain whirring :)

Sending hugs
 

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#10
Don't know if any of this was said already, but maybe because:

1. It feels like pity to you.
2. You feel like it's "fake" and they don't really give a shit.
3. Niceness doesn't exactly help fix the problem.
 
#11
You could try asking someone if they can be mean to you instead? And see how that compares? Maybe you’ll like it better, or not (which would reinforce your initial thought. . .) though you might have to search these individuals out , if those inside your inner circle are incapable of pulling this request off! : ) there s also always the middle ground, or the apathetic 😑 approach (Ask me if I care ? . . I don’t! Ha- ) _~^ > sorry, just trying to get to the bottom of the response you might be searching for — if that even exists ; ) it may not, and this is o.k., too! : )
 

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