Why do I have to live?

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#1
I think about dying every day. I feel like all I do is work to pay bills. I worry about money almost constantly. My 2 cats are the number one thing keeping me alive. They are elderly and would be seriously traumatized If I left. I hate that cliche that many people make cats seem like an animal for losers. So many People are cruel and I’ve given up on the Ugly human race. This is all I can do right now. I’m exhausted.<
 

Walker

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#2
Hi there and welcome to SF. We're glad you're here. You've come here feeling much the way that a lot of others do. That things feel pointless or that they're tired. A *lot* of people are sticking around for pets too so you're not alone. There are worse things in life to be here for. You have a chance to carve out more than just staying around for them though in the interim though, you know? What kinds of interests do you usually have? (you know, when you're actually allowed out of the house)
 
#3
Thanks for replying. I like to read but its gotten much harder because it’s hard for me to concentrate. I’ve been trying to start painting but it’s much harder than it looks and I really suck at it right now. I’d love to be a decent artist so I could hopefully get a second income, but that’s a ways off.

I don’t even like to go out anymore. The pandemic makes that harder anyway. I'm single and my family is small, but not too far away. They have been very distant since the pandemic started. I’ve tried texting them on a group text but they have little to say and I decided to back off. They don’t seem to want to talk about what’s going on in the world. A few of them have extreme political views and probably think this could actually be a hoax. I don’t agree with them at all and we usually try not to talk politics, so maybe it’s best we not connect for now. I don’t even know when I can be around them again with Covid19 going on. I work with the public and will be exposed to lots of people I can’t be six feet away from. That makes me high risk and I don’t think they will even want to be around me.

I’ve given up on friendships. I always seem to like someone more than they do me and I just get hurt. The last person I thought was a good friend moved several states away without even telling me. She had no problem telling others she claimed not to even like much. I tried not to be a pain in the ass. I don’t know what I did wrong. I even sent her a card wishing her well and got no response. That was a few years ago and just hit me so bad I gave up on friends after too many disappointments.

I worry about money constantly. I’ve had to be home for 7 weeks with still no unemployment coming through. I go back to work today and I am nervous, like the first day of school. I can’t sleep which is usual for me. I have a few naps during the night, never a full nights sleep. Its getting harder to keep going. The world feels very bleek with a lot of people mad at each other. I hate everything right now. If I get Covid19 I hope it kills me.
 

Walker

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#4
I’ve been trying to start painting but it’s much harder than it looks and I really suck at it right now.
Do you enjoy painting? That's all that really matters, right? No one even needs to see the paintings you're making if it makes you feel relaxed and happy.

I go back to work today and I am nervous, like the first day of school
what type of work do you do?

I have a few naps during the night, never a full nights sleep
Sleep problems go hand in hand with depression and anxiety. We get a lot of people with sleep issues here - too much or too little or sleeping for 24 hours followed by staying awake for 24 more. All kinds of various sleep disturbance. I don't think many here are sleeping very well. have you tried anything over the counter for that?
 

Brân

i don't like me either
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
I think about dying every day. I feel like all I do is work to pay bills. I worry about money almost constantly. My 2 cats are the number one thing keeping me alive. They are elderly and would be seriously traumatized If I left. I hate that cliche that many people make cats seem like an animal for losers. So many People are cruel and I’ve given up on the Ugly human race. This is all I can do right now. I’m exhausted.<
Welcome!

I hear you on the cat thing - I had to leave my two with my parents when I moved out because I couldn't give them a decent life in the city (dangerous to be outside with cars etc, student area and my crazy schedule). They're happy as ever with them but it was still horrible. You'll find a lot of people here are cat people so you're amongst friends. Also a lot of people here struggle with suicidal thoughts. I hope you can find some help here <3
 

JDot

remember to drink plenty of water
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
It's understandable to hurt when your friend leaves you like that. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're glad to have you here.
 
#7
I love cats! I have never thought they were for losers. I love to see pictures of my friends cats - it is the only reason I have an Instagram account.

My daughter suffers from severe anxiety and depression and she is an artist and graphic designer. She specializes in art that expresses her mental health and finds it very therapeutic. So keep up your artwork. It gives your life color, expression, and meaning. And you never know who will be blessed when you share it.
 
#10
Do you enjoy painting? That's all that really matters, right? No one even needs to see the paintings you're making if it makes you feel relaxed and happy.


what type of work do you do?


Sleep problems go hand in hand with depression and anxiety. We get a lot of people with sleep issues here - too much or too little or sleeping for 24 hours followed by staying awake for 24 more. All kinds of various sleep disturbance. I don't think many here are sleeping very well. have you tried anything over the counter for that?
To answer your questions:

1. I’m someone that likes to do things well at the very beginning. I’ve always gotten anxious with the learning curve. I’m telling myself I have to be willing to make mistakes and learn from them. So yes I am enjoying it more now.

2. Im a hairstylist. Just went back today. I wanted to go back mainly because I need the money. It was ok, but I felt a little rusty. Due to Covid19 I have to do a lot of disinfection, wear a mask, which is fine. I just don’t want anyone to get sick. I feel better getting the first day over with.

3. I’ve been a life long insomniac. Even as a child. My brain won’t stop, especially if I’m upset about something. I do have OTC things I take but I don’t like to take them every night. Melatonin used to help but I guess my body got used to it. I also have medication for panic attacks that helps me sleep but I hate to take that every night too.

I feel better today. I would still rather die younger than older. I’ve seen too many people grow old and deteriorate to having a low quality of life. I also worry about having enough money to live on. I’m so tired of worrying about money.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
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SF Supporter
#11
Welcome and glad to see you here. I am another who is very fond of cats and like the quote "Real men love cats.". Hopefully you will find some comfort with those of us who hang out here.
 

Lane

SF Pro
SF Supporter
#12
Welcome to the forum. I can relate to some of what you've written about getting older and having enough money to survive. I think others share that. Life can be a struggle, no argument there. I'm glad to meet another person that likes to paint. I really need to get back into it, but between work and lack of motivation...maybe one day. I tried to post a link below that @1964dodge started for us here about our pets. It shows pics of members animals. My oldest cat is...about 15. I see in his eyes that he's older, and he's my luv.


https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/pets-and-how-they-help-us.157518/
 
#13
I hate being so easily overwhelmed. ive been this way forever. My brain rarely stops tormenting me. It won’t shut up or slow down. People think I’m so calm but I’m not. My mind is so screwed up I often foul up electronics. it might sound crazy but I actually had a witness to this the other day. My music speaker Suddenly turned all the up by itself. No was was near it to even touch it. My phone often doesn’t cooperate for me. It’s like all electronics want to screw with me. I wish a giant asteroid would destroy earth. The world seems hopelessly beyond repair anyway.
 

Fauve

SF Supporter
#14
Hey, and welcome on the forum!

I'm fairly new myself so it doesn't probably count as much, but I hope you'll find here resources to reach out for help and, if not, af little bit of solace here with us.

I agree with you on many things. I'm currently writing this late in the night, with my cat sleeping next to me. I have a dog, too, and the both of them are getting old. It often causes me anxiety because I'd feel horribly alone without them. Animals give you affection and company, and you don't have to fear them judging you like humans do. If I may ask, how did you get them? Are they from the same litter? I often like to talk about my pets because it helps me refocus on things that matter. Your cats are real, and they count on you.

And no one should ever minimize the heartbreak that can cause the end of a friendship. Everyone say romantic breakups are horrible, and we tend to overlook how much it can be terrible to lose a friend. It's normal you felt so hurt.

Sleep deprivation and insomnia are real problems that affect both our physical and mental health. I don't know if that's what you mean when you talk about medication, but maybe you fear to create some kind of dependence? Or that your body get used to it?

I'm sorry you have to work with how things are. It's true the current situation in the world seems bleak and desperate. I think it's safe to say that many of us here probably have a harder time right now. We're here for you if you want to talk about it
 
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Peppers

Well-Known Member
#15
Welcome!

I hear you on the cat thing - I had to leave my two with my parents when I moved out because I couldn't give them a decent life in the city (dangerous to be outside with cars etc, student area and my crazy schedule). They're happy as ever with them but it was still horrible. You'll find a lot of people here are cat people so you're amongst friends. Also a lot of people here struggle with suicidal thoughts. I hope you can find some help here <3
Hi im a cat person too.
 
#16
Hey, and welcome on the forum!

I'm fairly new myself so it doesn't probably count as much, but I hope you'll find here resources to reach out for help and, if not, af little bit of solace here with us.

I agree with you on many things. I'm currently writing this late in the night, with my cat sleeping next to me. I have a dog, too, and the both of them are getting old. It often causes me anxiety because I'd feel horribly alone without them. Animals give you affection and company, and you don't have to fear them judging you like humans do. If I may ask, how did you get them? Are they from the same litter? I often like to talk about my pets because it helps me refocus on things that matter. Your cats are real, and they count on you.

And no one should ever minimize the heartbreak that can cause the end of a friendship. Everyone say romantic breakups are horrible, and we tend to overlook how much it can be terrible to lose a friend. It's normal you felt so hurt.

Sleep deprivation and insomnia are real problems that affect both our physical and mental health. I don't know if that's what you mean when you talk about medication, but maybe you fear to create some kind of dependence? Or that your body get used to it?

I'm sorry you have to work with how things are. It's true the current situation in the world seems bleak and desperate. I think it's safe to say that many of us here probably have a harder time right now. We're here for you if you want to talk about it
Sorry it took me this long to reply. To answer your question, both my cats were born to feral mamas. One was a barn cat, the other was born under a deck. Both males and getting old. I have to take the younger one, 14, to vet tomorrow for teeth cleaning. He hates going there and it hurts me to see him scared. My oldest is 19. He’s had a heart murmur and kidney disease for 2 yrs now. I know his days are limited, but he’s hanging in there for now. I think about having to lose him every day. He’s very needy now. I do my best to indulge him.

Still think about dying every day. I can’t leave my cats so I’m still here for as long as they are. No one would ever know I think like this. I get so tired of this world. The cruelty and mean people in general. My inability to choose friends that are genuine and easy to be around. Someone I don’t have to worry if I’m bugging them or not good enough. I honestly love having to wear a mask due to Covid19. I don’t have to worry about how I look and I like being more anonymous. Just another faceless person. I could wear a mask forever. Maybe I will.
 

LonelyHiker

Incidental aka FairWeather™
SF Supporter
#17
Hello @Catsarekeepingmealive

I can relate to everything you've said here..I have a cat, and he is closer to me than 99% of the people in my life.

I'm a bit of a misanthrope so your comments about the general shittiness of people resonated strongly. I have friends and family that I love, and there are many other acquaintances whose company I more or less enjoy, and I've made friends here and on other fora, but generally speaking, I think homo sapiens, collectively, are a lost cause and a scourge on this beautiful planet. I sometimes pine for that asteroid myself..

I'm glad you are finding some joy in painting. I have always loved watching Bob Ross, and have thought often about ordering one of his "starter" sets ....just too much of a procrastinator..
 
#19
Hello @Catsarekeepingmealive

I can relate to everything you've said here..I have a cat, and he is closer to me than 99% of the people in my life.

I'm a bit of a misanthrope so your comments about the general shittiness of people resonated strongly. I have friends and family that I love, and there are many other acquaintances whose company I more or less enjoy, and I've made friends here and on other fora, but generally speaking, I think homo sapiens, collectively, are a lost cause and a scourge on this beautiful planet. I sometimes pine for that asteroid myself..

I'm glad you are finding some joy in painting. I have always loved watching Bob Ross, and have thought often about ordering one of his "starter" sets ....just too much of a procrastinator..
I agree about people. I know they aren’t all bad. i have clients and I think we like each other, but I see them only every month or so and I’m doing their hair. Having an activity I Have to do helps me greatly when dealing with people. Ihave something else I have to focus on, not just them.

I love my family and vice versa, but I am the single one without kids so I’m always on the fringe. My brother and SIL, his kids and their family’s are a tight group. Sometimes I’m included, which is nice, but they run hot and cold. It’s a cool phase right now. I make no waves. I just go along and to get along. They text each other all the time. I tried several times in the early Covid19 days to start a group text with them. Mainly to make sure everyoN.E. was ok. I got a less than enthusiastic response so I backed off. Haven’t communicated with them in months.

I need to get back to painting. Going to this week now that work has eased up. You have to be willing to be shitty at it at first and I’m not great at that. I would rather have a nice result than enjoy the learning process. You do learn by doing though, so shitty paint projects here I come. Thanks for replying. I have no one else to talk to about my faulty brain that hates me, so I do appreciate it.
 
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Daphna

Ninja of light
#20
Welcome to SF. You are in good company because all of us have felt this way or still feels this way today. I hope you stay a while and see if perhaps you can find the help that you seek. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
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