Why do I have to stay ?????

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by who_ me, Feb 18, 2012.

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  1. who_ me

    who_ me Member

    I didn't ask to be born , yet I was. Surely if one is given the privilege of being born of the flesh of thy Mother then one should be nurtered and cherished.
    I was born the youngest of four and given to neighbours to be raised. I was brought home at Christmas and "special " events but then sent back again.
    I always felt alone and struggled to find my place in society. I was the shy kid , the one who didn't know how to talk. That was because I'd been raised by elderly people who didn't know how to communicate with a child ...... and so, I learned how to be alone.

    Ironically, as I grew older and evenyually found myself back living with my biological family, my Mother always recounted in conversations with various people , just how quiet and good I was as a baby. Why then did she need to abandon me???

    Now I find myself growing tired of this so called life and I want to leave, quietly and as easy as I can but there is no one or no place that can help me to achieve this.
    When I was making my way into this world , there was probably a midwife and a doctor (I think I was a home birth) on hand to help me make my entrance and they were there ready to confort me and clean me and present me to my Mother.

    Now , I no longer wish to be here, in this life, yet all around me are people telling me how wonderful life is, how I should be grateful for each new day.
    They don't know how it feels when you have lost all of your family and have NO friends and wake up , if you're lucky to get to sleep in the first place, with waves of panic ripping through your stomach. They don't know how it feels to feel SO alone. Why should I have to endure this existence when it is causing me such pain ??
    All I want is to simply GO. Why can't someone help me ...... just once ????
  2. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you were abandoned as a child. I basically grew up with my mom only. All I can say to you is find a hobby that you might like. PM me if you want some good classical music to listen to..
  3. who_ me

    who_ me Member

    Hi, I have lots of hobbies but it's not the same as having people around you to talk and just give you a hug etc. I find classical music very depressing - sorry!

    Thanks for replying though. :smile-new:
  4. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    I know it's hard to find the right one but I am fortunate to live with a loving spouse and a loving daughter. If you are a single, keep looking for the right one for you. You need a loving family to go home to everyday. Speaking of Classical music, not all of them are depressing, but I know what you mean. Try a lot of Mozart and Haydn, their music is very positive and warm sounding (Mozart's complete piano concertos come to mind).
  5. Rainfall

    Rainfall Well-Known Member

    I can relate to being alon, but at least I had a family, a terrible one that pushed me to the edge of suicide, but a family none the less. You don't deserve the s*** Uve been through, and I wish that, in some way, I could help, but I'm not good at advice yet, still trying to work through my problems
  6. who_ me

    who_ me Member

    Thank you for the replies. I am actually married but I still feel sooo alone. I lost my entire family because my only sister let her hubby sexually abuse her first born child and because I and my brother supported her we were cast out of the family. I don't regret giving her my full support but now that it's all over and both my parents have died, I feel so abandoned once more . I gave my whole life to my sister and her children and now I don't see anyone. My hubby is a good bit older than me and so we never made friends with people because of the age difference. It was fine when we were younger but it as harder now because I feel like my life is over and I am without hope.
  7. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    i'm not saying you have to stay and i'm not saying it's the best thing to go. i've been severyly suicidal for more years than i like to remember. i don't know what it is to be abandoned, but i do know my situation.

    who knows why i'm still here. or even why u are. i do know that since we are here we should give those around us a chance. i am starting with a new type of therapy called DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy). it's supposed to help people like us, who are suicidal, to "get better" If that's possible, for me i'm not sure. for you it may be possible.

    just give some people a chance to help you and know that everyone here at SF will be your friends and want you to live. they have helped me stay alive on more than one occassion.

    i hope you are able to get the help you need.
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