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Why do I just keep caring?...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ordep, Oct 3, 2009.

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  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    They don't talk to me, none of them.
    I ask them, "are you mad at me?" "are we cool?" "is something wrong?"
    They say "of course I'm not mad at you" "yeah, we're cool" "no, how about you?" it's all good to them.
    But they never talk anyway.

    They could talk, I'm right here, all they have to do is click on my name on msn and say "hi", write a text and send it to me, invite me to go to their place, to study, to go out, like on times gone by. I'm always up for it.
    But they never do anymore.

    I try to talk to them, I start a conversation on msn, all they do is answering my questions, they don't say more than the minimum and stop as soon as I stop. Same goes for text. I invite them to do stuff.
    They're allways busy.

    They know I'm suffering. They know I'm about to give up. They know my life is is shambles. They know I need them. They know I want to die.
    And they ignore, pretend I'm doing great and I'm happy.

    They say they care about me. I try to ask them for help, I ask them to hear me because I need to talk. They hear me, but say nothing, like I'm being heard by a wall. When they actually say something, is that I piss them off because I'm so weak.

    Someone is sick with the flu (the common one), everyone is all over that person, giving moral support, making him/her feel better. I'm diagnosed with an incurable disease and all I get for support is this ":sad:" not even a word.
    I'm not worth their support, they don't care.

    They say they're their own priority. But I'm not even in the bottom of their priority list. Even a stomachache is more relevant than me to them.

    When someone does talk to me, they need something. They need to borrow something, they need me to do something and they'll never repay the kindness. If tomorrow I ask them the same they asked me today, they'll refuse saying they don't have time or they don't feel like it.
    And I'm still glad to help.

    I ask them if we can make a small birthday party for me, they'll agree, saying they'll even invite some people they know to make things better.
    They invite their own friends who care nothing about me and all of the sudden it's not my birthday party anymore since it's full of people I dunno. I end up being left alone as I know almost no one.
    And in the end they ask me "so, did you like it?"

    When I kill myself, I'll call them first. I'll tell them I'm about to kill myself. Most likely they won't even pickup the phone, texting me back that they can't talk now, even tough they'll be just playing video games, watching tv or texting eachother. I'm text them saying I'm going to kill myself and if they wanna try to talk me out of it, it's their last chance.
    They'll say they can't talk right now because their parents don't like them to talk through the phone at night, "too much noise". I'm not worth that sort of trouble.

    And still, when they're the ones in trouble, I just care for them like they care alot for me, I just want to help them...

    I'm just an idiot...
    PS I've been making alot of thread lately. I'm sorry for that... I'm not after attention... it's just I have no one else in the world...

    edit: this probably belongs more to the crisis forum or something, than here. If a mod wants to change it... sorry my bad
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2009
  2. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    Hi Ordep,
    I can relate to you a lot. My parents are the same way, and we're in slimliar situations. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    How are the people you are talking about?
  4. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    They're great most of the times, living the lives I'd like to be living and bragging about it all the time. Friends, lots of them, bands to play music togheter, doing good at school, great parents, really spotless.

    A few months ago one of them got sick and had to go for the hospital for a week. All of the sudden he was everyone's priority, he was the one to care about. I tried reaching out and all I got was people calling me a jerk for thinking about myself with a friend in the hospital. The guy's out now, doing great, resumed his life like nothing happened and I'm still suffering more and more, yeah they care about me alot...

    We were all supossed to go to a Summer festival festival togheter. Camping in the woods and all. But then my ex. decided to go too and thus I had to stay on my own because she didn't want me in the group. Despite the fact that everyone knows how depressed I am and how important this trip was for me, no one objected, no one said they'd stay with me just to keep me company No, let me stay all on my own with my depression and loneliness to keep me warm...

    My friends have a band, where I also used to play until I had to leave because my girlfriend refused to play with me when she broke up. Recently their bass player "vanished" as they put it, and now they have been searching for another. Well, I'd love to fill for them, it's what I want the most, have a band, write songs, concerts. It's my dream. But of course just because of my ex. they'll never contact me for that.

    But they did contact me today. To g to their studio to help them choose the best bass player. Yeah, they knew how much I'd love to take that postion, and they asked me to help them chose who to fill the stop that should rightfully be mine. Do you imagine how that felt? And still I was an idiot and said I'd help.

    Drove for 90 minutes, paying for the gas myself, did what they asked me to, and when we decided on one guy, they said I had to leave because my ex. was coming to celebrate the new bassist and all, and she didn't want me nearby. So yeah, went back home alone, they're out there all having fun and partying while I'm out here left alone. Not a word of thanks, nothing.

    When these are the only friends you can have... you just knowyour life is totaly gone
  5. Trance

    Trance Well-Known Member

    All my "friends" are the same....online and offline. Guess some people only really care about themselves. Think its time you and I get some new friends ^_^.
  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    It's time to move on. You don't need this. Keep coming here, we'll walk with you through this.

    Most people are totally clueless how depression affects us. There is no training in our society for the everyday person. Couple this fact with the ages of your friends and the self centered cultivation of today's society and it leaves us alone.

    That's why I'm so glad I found this web site. I know you know, when the "public at large" doesn't. A part of me that was lonely because I couldn't talk to anyone, no longer is lonely.

  7. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I know people, and if it wasn't for this site I'd likely be already dead... It just saddens me so much. Those are the people that were always there for me, who invited me to do stuff, who called me every now and then, who cared for me.

    Now look at them, my ex decides she wants nothing to do with me anymore and now I'm no good for them. It's still me, but they stopped caring when she left me.

    I still care for them, I still love them as friends. I only wish they'd at least check on me once in a while, let alone including me in stuff... You don't need to unertand about depression to do that... You just need to care. They've become lousy friends who just want me to take care of my life somewhere else where I wot bother...

    Sometimes I think deep down they actually want me to die so I can stop bothering with my existence...

    I'm not a social person, I have a hard time making friends and after 1 year of this, I didn't get any new friends. All I have is those guys. If I start ignoring them back I'm all alone through the day... I'll spend days and days without saying a word out loud because I'll have no one to talk even a little...

    The people here are great, but an online forum will never make up for a real social life... I need friends and I don't have any... I don't think this is gonna get any better... if I keep this up and live through it I'll probably end up old ad completely alone till I die...

    It's better if I just cut this whole thing short, it's just no use...
  8. Trance

    Trance Well-Known Member

    You feel like there is no hope now but if you really wanted to give up you already would have. You still have a shred of hope. Don't give up now. Tomorrow you could walk outside and run right into the friend you've always wanted...or not, but if you end it now how will you ever know. I know it might sound silly but its me thinking like this that's got me here right now. I don't want to die with "what if?" on my mind.
  9. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Only think keeping me back from going outside right now and ending it all is that me, in my utter stupiditty, still want to write down letters to all the people I know (6 to be exact) and I still didn't find the words to do it.

    Believe me, I'm feeling schakled to this life right now...
  10. Trance

    Trance Well-Known Member

    It isn't utter stupidity to write a final letter to the people you know/care about, and your not the only one who feels shackled to life....i know that feeling all to well. Oh...and feel free to pm or instant message me....i'll always listen and respond ^_^.
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Don't apologise for posting here.. Thats what this forum is all about..Your in pain and alot of us can relate to it..It sounds as if you need to cut your old friends loose and find new ones.. Have you tried to find another band you can join??Music sounds like your life.. Anytime you need to talk to someone I am always available.. I'm on line in the mornings or you can email me,my address is in my profile..I have that pulled up most of the day..Take Care!!
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Pedro I know exactly how you feel. Things happened last night, and without too much detail, I tried to get help. Well after a stay at the er til just a little while ago, I'm home. No one knows the Hell I went through. The person that I contacted, not even a text. But still I care. I am sitting here feeling guilty because I'm worried this person may be upset at me now. Angry. And when I do text or call them and ask the tired question of if they are mad at me, or upset with me I'll get "no not at you", or "no we're fine".

    Yep, like another member said, time we made some new friends. So I'm here hun if you need someone to talk to. Someone that DOES understand. Someone who will try to help if I can. Drop me a pm anytime.
  13. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy


    no need to apologize. i think you should try and find new friends. i think before you told me you were in college? there are tons of people in there. and if you ever need someone to talk, i have an msn account. just message me if you ever need anything. :hug:
  14. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Thanks to all of you for your replies, it feels good to know that people out there still care about me...

    Music isn't my life as I'm band-less, but it's my dream for sure. I'm always on the lookout for an opportunity, but so far I've got nothing. Actually, around a month ago I was almost certain to get a position in a band, but they never called me back. Guess that's the bread and butter for people looking for a job but I was really certain to get that one... big dissapointment.

    You guys are right, I need new friends. Thing is I've been needing new friends since I was 5. I was never any good at making friends and all the ones I had right now, I go to know them through my ex, and most of them stopped caring about me the day she became my ex.

    Guess what I need the most is to learn how to make friends... that and forgetting about my ex. once and for all. Thinking about her brings me down more than most...

    Heck... everything's f*cked up, but at least I know what I need... could be worse.

    Thanks again, today I feel better. Probably won't hold long but it's better than nothing.
  15. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member


    And if it doesn't hold, you know you can always talk to your new friends on here.
  16. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    tams right, youve always got us lot to talk to. :)
  17. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    And you can feel better tomorrow and the next day and so on and so on. When you feel yourself falling back, grab someone here and keep moving forward. Glad to hear you're doing a little better. Keep fighting Pedro, you deserve it!!!
  18. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'm certainly giving it my best. I'm actually doing preety good today, despite having a cold. Will enjoy this uptime as well as I can.

    Thanks again to all of you for your kind words. I dunno where I'd be without you guys.
  19. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    Find new peeps. Some people are not worth the stress.
  20. upmostmidget

    upmostmidget New Member

    Hey Ordep I to can relate to your post. It was my birthday last month and it was to much trouble for my parents to call me. Let alone send a card or something. Im the only one in my family with mental health problems but treated like a leper for it. You got to be strong. Its hard I know that feeling of loneliness even in a crowded room. As daft as it sounds when you get out of your current emotions you will look back and be glad you never ended it.
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