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Why Do I Keep Trying

#1
(*&%#@!...lots of expletives and words I didn't learn in church).

Talking with my wife after both of us are home from work. We get to a point in the conversation (about my work, immaterial to my rant) that she asks a question. While she is asking, she walks into the bathroom and shuts the door.

When she comes back out, I tell her "I get the impression that you aren't interested."

"Huh?"

"You ask a question as you walk into the BR and shut the door, where you know you can't hear any answer."

"I had to pee."

"Yeah. You ask a question that you aren't going to be able to hear any answer to. That tells me that you aren't interested."

"...Whatever..." And she goes outside to smoke a cigarette.

Why do I keep trying? Some days it seems like the only things worth saving in my marriage have nothing to do with our relationship. House, non-portable possessions (e.g., shop tools, looms, piano), " children" (2 cats, I love them, but I am allergic to both of them). I keep coming back to feeling like I have to choose between what I have because of my marriage or my life...giving up everything that is ME in my life.

We briefly discussed divorce 10 years ago, and in retrospect, it seems that the only reason that we didn't is that she wouldn't get to walk away with everything she wanted without me in the picture. So now, I have a house mate that I am less close to than my old high school buddy that was my room mate in my first apartment 35 years ago. Hell. I still feel closer to him, even though he moved a couple of thousand miles away 25 years ago. We share expenses and sleep (nothing else...not even talk) in the same bed.

I won't claim to be sinless. I drink more than I should and fall asleep in my recliner. But I also deal with insomnia and 2 to 4 nights a week I only can sleep about 3 or 4 hours. Yes. I drink more than I should, but I am not always passed out cold. I suppose that I should consider that every silver lining has a cloud; if I am asleep in the recliner the cats aren't asleep in my face and my "wife" isn't stealing all the blankets.

On the up side, I am scheduled for a ketamine treatment in a couple of days and she will pick me up and take me home after she gets off work. I should have a better outlook then, or at least a more clear mind to consider the situation once my feet get back on the earth. I did recreational hallucinogens when I was younger (MUCH younger), but ketamine therapy is very different. It isn't unpleasant, but it is a far cry from anything that resembles FUN. (If anyone wants to ask me about that, feel free...Just not part of this rant). In brief, the result is that I don't go from 0 to "The End Of The World" in 2 seconds.

Time to suck it up and figure out what is for dinner so that tomorrow will be just another day.
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this.

I'd like to try offering some advice, but I want to make sure that would be welcome.

Do you feel like your marriage could be fixed, or that there's no hope for that?

I hope things can get better soon.
 

FlamingoWrangler

Well-Known Member
#3
Hi @Trying4Life

i get that disinterest too. So frustrating when someone has no interest in your thoughts.
i will say something. Get an acknowledgement. Then 20 minutes later, he starts a ”new” conversation about the exact thing i just explained. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤯
i asked the dr if he might be having memory issues. Turns out, no. Hes just an asshole. 🙄😂

let me know how the ketamine goes. Ive had it at the same time as another procedure. idk If it helped. But there are several months of my life that i have no memory Of. that could be good.
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#4
Don't have any experience with improving marriages, or romantic relationships for that matter, but there are a lot of stuff online. Get together and start researching how to improve the marriage, I'd say. Sometimes simple solutions work the best.
 
#5
Hi @Trying4Life

i get that disinterest too. So frustrating when someone has no interest in your thoughts.
i will say something. Get an acknowledgement. Then 20 minutes later, he starts a ”new” conversation about the exact thing i just explained. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤯
i asked the dr if he might be having memory issues. Turns out, no. Hes just an asshole. 🙄😂

let me know how the ketamine goes. Ive had it at the same time as another procedure. idk If it helped. But there are several months of my life that i have no memory Of. that could be good.

This will be my 2nd "booster" since completing the initial build up to full dose. I am a full convert. It has made a huge difference for me. The clinic here does it IM rather than IV, so they are able to be more laid back...they are professional, but not clinical. Recliners, posters on the wall...very relaxed. The effects are good for about 3 months. I have stretched it a bit longer than I should, mainly due to cost (but there is a possibility I haven't yet researched that insurance might cover some of it). There is another benefit of the way this clinic does it...because it isn't IV, they don't need the associated safety measures for IV, so they can keep the cost relatively lower.

And the best way I can explain the benefits: the sky is a little more blue, the bird songs are just a bit sweeter, but the biggest part is that I really don't go from 0 to "end of the world" in 2 seconds. I am able to catch it as soon as it starts and take a breath and look at things with a bit more perspective...a lot more perspective.

Don't know what your area ketamine provider is like, but (at risk of outing myself a bit) check out ketamineslc dot com for info about mine.
 

FlamingoWrangler

Well-Known Member
#6
@Trying4Life

Thanks. I‘ll check the site out. When i asked my dr about it, he referred me to a clinic that doesn't have time to see me. (”call back in 3 months and we will see if we can get you In.”) but i should look for places more independent.
Glad you found a helpful treatment.

Have you seen the Gary Gulman special about his depression? I think its about a year or two old now. He talks about ketamine, among other things.
 
#7
I haven't. I'll look for it. This place is local for me. The Dr. has told me he has patients from all over the country (including an NFL player...no HIPPA violations...not a sports fan so I couldn't give a...) He has some orientation vids on YouTube...quite detailed.

I have told one of my oldest friends that the way I feel about ketamine reminds me of how he talked about Prozac 35 years ago (including the hallucinations until they got his dose adjusted :D).

I will tell you, I will be 8 Miles High tomorrow, but it wipes me out for a whole day. I really don't look forward to the experience. It isn't bad. I have had "bad trips" on recreational street hallucinogens, and this isn't like that. For one thing, the "trip" lasts about 30 minutes (although there are 3 of them in a row). It isn't bad, I'll repeat. But it isn't "Fun!" I have tried to figure out how to analyze, prepare, etc.

I settle into the recliner, put on headphones and listen to ambient (Brian Eno) for as long as I am cognizant, and they pour me into the wheelchair when my wife shows up to take me home. It is hard to describe. In some ways, (ala Hendrix, Have You Ever Been Experienced), I can point at things that may be familiar to people that have "tripped". But, then again, it is nothing like I experienced on street blotters 35 years ago.

Regardless...There have been a few awkward moments (I had a couple of "bad trips" on street drugs), but I'm A Believer. I probably would have been dead last winter without going through it, and I am pretty convinced that if I don't go tomorrow, I won't make it to see 56. For me, it really does short-circuit the "0 to End Of The World" in 60 seconds or less (over)reaction to things. That makes it possible for me to take a step back from my emotional mushroom cloud and take a deep breath and tell myself "OK. Slow down. Let's look at this rationally...".

And that lasts for 3 to 4 months. I repeat...3 to 4 months. I am not a paid sails man, I don't even play one on TV. Since I started the ketamine, I have been able to discontinue antidepressants. They only ever sort of worked anyway. Winter (SAD...seasonal affective disorder) pretty much was an equal match for any meds I ever tried.

I still have to do the work. It ain't a magic wand. But it clears my head. I can look at my problems and conflicts without the only solution appearing to be the knife. I can see real options and coping mechanisms.

I won't say it is for everyone. I haven't met them. I can tell you what my experience/history' is. I do think that if you have had problems with conventional meds...cut to the chase...I think that ketamine is worth checking out. It is intense but it works for me.
 

FlamingoWrangler

Well-Known Member
#8
i think your approach is right on. it all makes sense. Like everything, work is required. Its great to see solutions other than suicide Though.
i wish you well. And again, thanks for sharing your experience.
 

FlamingoWrangler

Well-Known Member
#9
The Gary Gulman show is called “the great depresh” 2019. It aired on HBO. I think it might be on amazon Now. Its 1 hour 14min. You might be able to watch most of it in divided doses on YouTube.
 

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