(*&%#@!...lots of expletives and words I didn't learn in church).
Talking with my wife after both of us are home from work. We get to a point in the conversation (about my work, immaterial to my rant) that she asks a question. While she is asking, she walks into the bathroom and shuts the door.
When she comes back out, I tell her "I get the impression that you aren't interested."
"Huh?"
"You ask a question as you walk into the BR and shut the door, where you know you can't hear any answer."
"I had to pee."
"Yeah. You ask a question that you aren't going to be able to hear any answer to. That tells me that you aren't interested."
"...Whatever..." And she goes outside to smoke a cigarette.
Why do I keep trying? Some days it seems like the only things worth saving in my marriage have nothing to do with our relationship. House, non-portable possessions (e.g., shop tools, looms, piano), " children" (2 cats, I love them, but I am allergic to both of them). I keep coming back to feeling like I have to choose between what I have because of my marriage or my life...giving up everything that is ME in my life.
We briefly discussed divorce 10 years ago, and in retrospect, it seems that the only reason that we didn't is that she wouldn't get to walk away with everything she wanted without me in the picture. So now, I have a house mate that I am less close to than my old high school buddy that was my room mate in my first apartment 35 years ago. Hell. I still feel closer to him, even though he moved a couple of thousand miles away 25 years ago. We share expenses and sleep (nothing else...not even talk) in the same bed.
I won't claim to be sinless. I drink more than I should and fall asleep in my recliner. But I also deal with insomnia and 2 to 4 nights a week I only can sleep about 3 or 4 hours. Yes. I drink more than I should, but I am not always passed out cold. I suppose that I should consider that every silver lining has a cloud; if I am asleep in the recliner the cats aren't asleep in my face and my "wife" isn't stealing all the blankets.
On the up side, I am scheduled for a ketamine treatment in a couple of days and she will pick me up and take me home after she gets off work. I should have a better outlook then, or at least a more clear mind to consider the situation once my feet get back on the earth. I did recreational hallucinogens when I was younger (MUCH younger), but ketamine therapy is very different. It isn't unpleasant, but it is a far cry from anything that resembles FUN. (If anyone wants to ask me about that, feel free...Just not part of this rant). In brief, the result is that I don't go from 0 to "The End Of The World" in 2 seconds.
Time to suck it up and figure out what is for dinner so that tomorrow will be just another day.
Talking with my wife after both of us are home from work. We get to a point in the conversation (about my work, immaterial to my rant) that she asks a question. While she is asking, she walks into the bathroom and shuts the door.
When she comes back out, I tell her "I get the impression that you aren't interested."
"Huh?"
"You ask a question as you walk into the BR and shut the door, where you know you can't hear any answer."
"I had to pee."
"Yeah. You ask a question that you aren't going to be able to hear any answer to. That tells me that you aren't interested."
"...Whatever..." And she goes outside to smoke a cigarette.
Why do I keep trying? Some days it seems like the only things worth saving in my marriage have nothing to do with our relationship. House, non-portable possessions (e.g., shop tools, looms, piano), " children" (2 cats, I love them, but I am allergic to both of them). I keep coming back to feeling like I have to choose between what I have because of my marriage or my life...giving up everything that is ME in my life.
We briefly discussed divorce 10 years ago, and in retrospect, it seems that the only reason that we didn't is that she wouldn't get to walk away with everything she wanted without me in the picture. So now, I have a house mate that I am less close to than my old high school buddy that was my room mate in my first apartment 35 years ago. Hell. I still feel closer to him, even though he moved a couple of thousand miles away 25 years ago. We share expenses and sleep (nothing else...not even talk) in the same bed.
I won't claim to be sinless. I drink more than I should and fall asleep in my recliner. But I also deal with insomnia and 2 to 4 nights a week I only can sleep about 3 or 4 hours. Yes. I drink more than I should, but I am not always passed out cold. I suppose that I should consider that every silver lining has a cloud; if I am asleep in the recliner the cats aren't asleep in my face and my "wife" isn't stealing all the blankets.
On the up side, I am scheduled for a ketamine treatment in a couple of days and she will pick me up and take me home after she gets off work. I should have a better outlook then, or at least a more clear mind to consider the situation once my feet get back on the earth. I did recreational hallucinogens when I was younger (MUCH younger), but ketamine therapy is very different. It isn't unpleasant, but it is a far cry from anything that resembles FUN. (If anyone wants to ask me about that, feel free...Just not part of this rant). In brief, the result is that I don't go from 0 to "The End Of The World" in 2 seconds.
Time to suck it up and figure out what is for dinner so that tomorrow will be just another day.
).