why do i not matter.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by plates, Feb 6, 2010.

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  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i can't live another year like last year. i can't live another year knowing how my life was treated by people online. i can't live another year dodging death and talking to heartless people who do not know what they were doing and thought my pain and my life was a funny joke.
  2. Anni

    Anni Well-Known Member

    what's wrong? im really sorry that happened to you *hug* please don't do anything, and don't base it on people online. some people can be complete dicks.
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i'm a worthless emotional *****.
    every relationship has been the same, based on abuse, deception people nearly killing me and me looking after them and saying the inevitable 'thank you' for a few scraps of explanation after a year of horrifying mental abuse.

    what do you think? do you think that when someone lives in such isolation/drinks or does things to numb, as in 4 people i've been in contact with online over the course of 4 years, they tend to be disconnected from the harsh realities that people live? i think so.

    i don't control my feelings when i'm like this. i dont' particularly enjoy feeling this way. i'm here just to save time. nobody gives a fuck. the people who spout "love" are fucking parasitic leeches who think they know it all and create little fantasies to make themselves feel better, they've been like that all my fucking life.

    i think i've got a compulsive caretaking problem, i think it might stem from trying to keep my environment stable because everyone has been unstable and abusive towards me. but i recently have been waking up crying in panic, death, realising i'm compromising myself in a recent situation.

    tell me where are people with logic and humanity, people who aren't fucking asleep, drugging themselves up with the net, drugs and thinking that what i went through the last few years was ok?
  4. Anni

    Anni Well-Known Member

    would u like to pm me? u can rant all you like.. i dont mind
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    you never know after a few of my messages, you might mind a lot.
    you're sweet. thank you for talking to me. i don't think my pain means anything to the people who said they 'care', it's true, the world is cold and harsh. i'm just there for them to fantasise over.

    i mean, why do you care? i mean nothing. i'm just a name on the screen to you aren't i?
  6. Anni

    Anni Well-Known Member

    honestly u can rant, its ok
    i do care, this contact with people over the internet is pretty much the only positive contact i have and it means a lot to me. im sure it means a lot to other people too.
    ur not just a name on a screen. ur a person, just like everyone else on here, just like me. no, i dont know you, but i know ur hurting and this is all i can do to try and help. *hug*
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i don't want to rant.

    "i want to die"

    but i've said that so many times, it's got so old. and everything he read was a play, part of a story, some people read way too many books you know?
  8. Anni

    Anni Well-Known Member

    ah please dont do anything :(
    i understand u
    but just try to hold on *hug*

    uve probably heard that a lot and it probably doesnt mean anything but yeh.. i hope ur ok...
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    don't worry, i'm the best at handling this. i've handled it so well last year, so many people didn't realise how close to death i was. it's because i'm so confident, and it's because of how much i love being alive. so people don't give a fuck you know? they can do whatever bullshit they can, and know i'll scream to live. and they like to hear it. they like to hear my pain.
    it's easier to die. it's harder to stay how i've been. but truth is, i don't want a future- i do not want this year to be like last year.

    there is no one there.
  10. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we all love you here
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. tbh, a few times I thought you were in serious danger of attempting or hurting yourself. I was relieved with every new entry to your diary 'cos it meant you're still with us. People do care.

    I think that's quite insightful. It must take a lot out of you to make sure things feel stable. What do you think you might do to make things better so you don't compromise yourself?

    Wishing you well and sending a:hug:

  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member



    why do people pray? when someone was dying, he was praying. why? and why did he tell me to get on with my life when i was going to jump?

    and then....why did he link me to blogs saying he was a psychopath and he wanted to kill me?
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    hi acy,
    it's good to know you took me seriously. a lot of posts were done to stop myself killing myself.

    yes it takes a lot out of me.
    as to your last question, i don't know. i've done it all my life. i don't know anything else.
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :console:..On here you matter....
  15. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    my ex used to say she'd given up whether i was alive or dead. i think it's because she was half dead herself. she recently emailed me, assuming i'd be alive. i found that a bit of an insult. her assumption, i'd be alive. she also mailed me loads of old photos when i was starving. so you know what i did. i dressed and made sure i looked fucking amazing, and she couldn't keep eye contact with me. she looked like i was about to hit her as she was giving me back a cheque. she looked so afraid of me, and only later apologised through email again. she assumed, i think, that i'd never leave her. because she's always in the right you know? i'm the Crazy girl who lives forever.

    she didn't know what i went through last year. she couldn't even remember when i was admitted to hospital when i couldn't walk properly.

    why is it people make such pretty endings about their version of my life? i think it's got to do with denial. i'm surrounded by people who hurt me and are in denial.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2010
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i can't do it anymore. it doesn't matter anyway. nothing of this matters.
  17. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    you know when your own self, just everything you write makes you think why are you even trying.
  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Exactly. But for some reason we keep writing. It seems to help us hold on. Hold on to what? I dont know. Keep holding on for more pain? More isolation? More of taking care of everyone else but ourselves? I dont know. But somehow posting here feels right. To be able to finally tell someone doesnt matter if they are only words typed on a screen just like this. What matters is they understand and they listen. To be able to realize that all the pain and hurt you're fighting is real. And there are others that see it that way too. And they dont turn away. They actually try to help.

    Guess I'm just trying to let you know others do understand. And because we all share that same pain on some level that makes you important too. Makes us want to care and let you know that you matter. Because we know how hard the struggle you're in is. Just to let you know you're not alone hun. I know it hurts and that hurt leads to confusion and you feel like you have no where else to turn other than the thoughts of death and suicide. Especially when those in the RL just dont seem to hear you no matter how damn loud you scream. Well you can whisper if you want. I hear you and understand. So many do!!! :arms: Please try not to give up?
  19. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i was thinking about you a lot over the time when i've been off this forum. i used to read your threads and think, i relate to you so much in how you describe how you post, how you describe how you post to stay alive.

    thank you so much for your words and for hearing me. they mean a lot to me, more than i can get across right now.
    i know you're not well yourself and you're struggling so hard.
  20. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well when you can or want to post more I'm listening. Glad my words help you some what. And thank you for understanding. That means so much to me. Yeah it sucks where we are right now. But it's somewhere right? You keep holding on. Cuz what you're feeling is important. Just like you are too!!!
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