why do I still have to be here?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by underdog1, Dec 31, 2012.

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  1. underdog1

    underdog1 New Member

    I'm almost 35 and a total loser. There is no point to my life. I don't have the guts to commit suicide, so I spend a lot of time thinking of the various ways my life could end and frustrated that that day isn't here yet. I hate my life and I always have. There are moments of happiness, but overall my life has always been miserable and I don't know what could happen that would generate an interest in me continuing to live. Sometimes I want to go out and do things, but I don't even like the few friends I have, so I stay home and wait until the next day comes. I look back at the different paths my life could have taken and I get mad at myself for not making better choices (mostly financial). Things seem to come so easily for other people. Not for me. I'm broke, in a dead end job barely scraping by. My parents are both dead, and the family I do have tries so hard to help me, but nothing seems to be working. (They don't know I'm suicidal). I feel so bad for them; they're trying so hard but I'm a hopeless case and if they're smart, they'll just back off and let me do my own thing. I'm beyond help. I just want my life to end. I hate that I'm still alive and I hate my parents for having me. I wish my mom had aborted me while she had the chance, but it's 35 years later and I'm still here. I can't believe this is my life. I want out.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry it has been difficult for you. I do not have a magic solution to make things better, and I can feel pretty confident in saying that things are not nearly as easy for others as it seems the majority of the time either. What needs to happen to move forward is quit looking at the past decisions you and others have made and instead look forward to how to use lessons learned to make your future a little easier. Pick out one small thing that is bothering you in your life and try to correct that - does not matter if it is simply do the dishes or other small task. Then move onto another. You will see that once you are doing instead or reminiscing of what could have been different that things can change and use that to make bigger changes to greater effect.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    You sound like me except I will be 50 in three months. You still have the potential for good things to happen, you're still young. Hang in there man. You never know what great thing is waiting around the corner for you. I often feel like I was a mistake. I know I have these chemicals in my brain that you have too, that make us feel this way. You have to fight it. Have you tried getting a different job? What else would you want in your life that would make it better?
     
  4. Tibbles

    Tibbles Member

    Sounds like me as well. My family have sort of reached an impasse with me - they can't help, so they give me space. The amount of times I've wished my parents had worn a condom, then I wouldn't be in this mess. I'm in a dead end job too. 20 years of education and I'm scanning paper for peanuts. And ditto on the suicide thing. For whatever reason I continue to exist, even though I wish I didn't. You're not alone in this. I guess that's something that keeps me going - realising that I'm not the only one on this planet who feels this way. I can't offer any practical advice, because I haven't a clue myself. I hope things pick up for you.
     
  5. downandoutinCali

    downandoutinCali New Member

    I understand where you are coming from and know what dark world you are living in. I also see no point in my life and just wish my parent never had me. I am sorry that you also suffer misrebely as well.
     
  6. underdog1

    underdog1 New Member

    Thanks, everyone.
     
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