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Why do I still love him?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by musiclover, Sep 19, 2010.

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  1. musiclover

    musiclover New Member

    My brother. I always brag about how my brother is on the varsity football team. How successful he is. How much I look up to him.
    At home, I do this too. I always try to be part of his life. I want to be included when he does things.

    He sexually abused me for three years. I don't want to get into detail, and I'm sure that you as a reader don't want me to get into detail, but what I will say is I am still a virgin. Everything else, done.

    It started out with just him. Then his best friend joined in. And I began hating myself whenever they would sneak into my room at night doing unmentionable things, but at the same time, I didn't want it to stop.
    I loved the attention from my brother and his friend. I loved the fact that I wasn't ignored anymore. That whenever his friend was over, I would be included at some point of that night.

    It's been a year since he's stopped. He has a girlfriend now, who he's been with for a year and four months. Do the math. He was sexually abusing me for the first four months of his relationship. No one knows. I've told a few trusted friends about what his friend did, but never my brother. I couldn't stand what people would think of me if it ever got out. I couldn't stand my brother losing his status at school.

    I hate myself when I think back on it, but when I don't think back on it, I couldn't be more happy doing small favors for him and all his friends. (not weird pleasures, more like making them food or getting stuff for them)

    I know it's my fault. It I was normal it wouldn't have happened. If I was normal I would be normal. But he's made me corrupt. I am scared of who I am now. I don't know who I am attracted to in terms of gender, I don't know who I can trust, I'm weirder than most kids, I can't even look at myself sometimes in the mirror.

    So I'm just wondering.. why?
  2. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I don't know...

    :i'm sorry:
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    maybe it's because he's your brother and we're supposed to love our family no matter what...
    it 's not your fault if your brother forced himself on you ..and then he invited his friend to join in...that's even worse..
    what happened to you was abuse..I'm sorry
    are you having any therapy for what happened?

    I think your brother needs help too ..
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2010
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    there is an illness a complex where the individual has feeling for abuser. Being your brother you don't want harm to come to him In some sick way he has brain washed you into thinking it was okay You are the victim okay YOu need professional help professional guidance to heal Your brother needs to get help as well so he does not repeat what he did to you.to some other girl
    You were nver at fault you are not weird you just wanted to be cared for and they took advantage of that. i am sorry this happened please get help for you now okay so you can heal
  5. musiclover

    musiclover New Member

    But no one knows. That's the thing, I would never tell anyone. And I've asked my mom for therapy, but she went to my dad about it and my dad said that
    "therapy for kids is just a place where they whine and complain about all the things they think is wrong with their life.. instead of facing your own problems head on"

    so no, my brother and I both don't have professional help.

    and my brother now pretends like it never happened. He is a good person, minus what he did, truly. I'm not worried he'll do it to someone else.. but I don't know why. I just think that, that stage in his life is over.

    But i've been scarred for life.
  6. hatch

    hatch Member

    You love him because he is your brother. It isn't normal for this to have happened to you, it is not okay that he did this and you are the victim. You were sexualized at a young age and that sexuality was linked with the relationship with your brother, this will play havoc with your current and future relationships (both family and romantic). You are not responsible for what he did to you. You do have one responsibility now and that is for you to recover from this so you can go on with your life as best as possible. This means it's time to seek counseling.

    We're conditioned to love our family, even if they hurt us. No matter how much they do to us we go back for more in most cases. This is the spark that will set the tinder of the rest of your life ablaze. This will impact future relationships and ideas of family. When you see a relationship this will be tainting your choices in partner, this will very subtly steer you to find a person like your brother and his friend (who seek out victims to exploit them).

    Unless you get help. With help you can discuss what was done to you, you can deal with those feelings and arrive at a place where you see your brother for the predator he is, and you reconcile that with his place in your family. You can move on in life and know why you're feeling attracted to people who aren't really good for you, and make better choices in your life.

    Once you've been a victim, it changes you. It's time to go seek out therapy and start the road to recovery, or else this will hurt you over the long haul. You'll probably find eventually that he had an event in his life before this occurred, which triggered his actions.

    Talk to your school counselor. Tell your parents that if they do not support you in getting counseling that you will report the incident to the police and get family services involved. Either way you will see a counselor. They'll tell you that you're breaking up the family, and when my parents told me that I responded with "No family would force me to call the police to make things right." You cease control of this now, because it gets harder the longer you wait.

    PM me if you need more information.
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