Why Do I Suck At Conversation?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forgotten_Man, May 24, 2010.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sorry my insecurity gets the best of me when it come to females I have a strong attraction to. So yesterday, May 23rd, I went on another date/hangout with my friend Y. This time I made sure to engage in an activity that would allow us to talk some more, yay for mini-golf. Problem is that the talking was sparse again. We did our usual routine of occasionally smiling at each other in silence. We did have conversation in small bursts. Mostly when I was driving us around. So I had to focus on the road, and could not look at her. According to what she told me at the end of the date/hangout she had fun.

    So I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? I cannot even carry on a decent conversation? I do not get it, I am just fine when I chat with her via text or IM. Yet when we actually spend time together, it is like I forget how to talk. God I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I want her to be comfortable around me. Yet, it always seems like 2 steps back whenever I am actually around her. I know that it would be the dame with any other new person in my life. I should just go hide in a cave for the rest of my life and whine about how socially retarded I am.
     
  2. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Hey Forgotten,

    I can totally relate with you here. Thing about texts and IMs is that it gives you tonnes of time to think about a response. So you replies will always be your "best piece of work" so to speak. I know I'm like that, especially around girls. Its like when I'm with a girl, I'm nervous. I'm pretty sure I come across as a little uptight or nervous. Its hard to keep a conversation going on the fly. You could try talking to her about her interests and what's going on in her life. Normally I don't have much to say, I'm a pretty boring person. Sometimes I feel its the consequence of living in a home where my family in general is not very communicative. Talking to her about her interests will probably allow her to open up and talk a lot. You can just ask questions and add your tid bits to keep the train moving. Of course, be genuine about it. If you really dig this girl you probably want to know everything about her. So ask away! I know to me, whenever a girl I like is talking, its like she's spewing out gold or something and can say no wrong lol. I kind of miss that feeling right now. Of course at some point you need to share your life and stories with her so be cognizant about that. If she has some current interests like celebrity gossip or current events, read about them before you meet her so you can discuss, argue and debate about these things. After all, she's worth it right? Who know you may develop an interest in some of those things. The more you share in common, the more it is a match made in heaven, right?

    Heh, I wasn't expecting to say so much. I guess it really is something that I can truly identify with. Talking to girls is hard/scarier than texting and IMing them.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well I have told her a lot of my stories. I try my best to get her to open up but she keeps herself pretty closed off to me. I ask her about what is going on in her life she just says "Nothing Really". I just do not know how to get her to talk. That or she is really good at ending conversations. I just wish I could fuage her comfort around me.
     
  4. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    hmm....toughie. Maybe ask her more specific questions about work or school or something? Ask her opinions on an issue?
     
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I will try, I wish I was more comfortable talking in real life.
     
  6. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I used to panic to the point of ending up silent with people. I used to worry that what I had to say was hopelessly inane but I learned that conversation is not an oral presentation in front of a classroom where you have to be perfectly factually accurate, your grammar proper and your points clear and succinct.

    Conversation is just free association and the topics usually vary wildly from current news events to current films to shared interests/political or religious beliefs. I am the last person to give advice on how to relax but casual conversation with an acquaintance or friend is one of my only social awkwardness problems I have improved upon.
     
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @bluegrey: The problem is that I am not sure which of those topics to choose. I am worried about offending or scaring off this person. I am just fine around people if I don't have to lead the conversation. Or I do just fine around people I have known for a while.
     
  8. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    you are not the only one who has this problem. I think everyone experiences it but in varying degrees. Get used to it.
     
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @sudut: I am trying to get used to it. However just hiding from the world does not get me over it.
     
  10. Pow

    Pow Well-Known Member

    Maybe she's bad at conversations aswell.
    I seem good at ending conversations but not on purpose.
     
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Pow: I am not ignoring that possibility. However, how are we suppose to get more comfortable around each other if we cannot talk?
     
  12. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    I'm kinda the same, I had a conversation with one of my teachers earlier and kept stuttering. :huh: I came away thinking 'what the hell is wrong with me??'.
    With friends I usually try and make conversation out of any thought that comes into my head... sometimes it works sometimes it just comes out awkward.
    Try thinking of things to talk about before you meet up?? The longer you know someone the easier it should get.
     
  13. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Remedy: Random thoughts... :sweat: damn wish my mind did not go blank whenever I am around her.
     
  14. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I talk just fine, whether its internet, in person, never seen the person, on the phone, etc but everytime I meet someone they barely give me a chance to build any sort of relationship with them. I'm usually very polite, keeping a smile, and listening, responding, and even complimenting. But everyone single person in my life, and I do mean every person, reads me down like up sort of stupid, pathetic person. And I never get interests back. I always have to be the one begging for their friendship. So communication doesn't have to suck on your end, it may very well be THOSE people.
     
  15. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @yous: I just wish I knew which it was. She still talks with me so I guess it is a good sign I just suck.
     
  16. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I just read your first post again. I AM EXACTLY like that. Actually you have guts to even go out on a date with this girl. Me? I am still in IM mode with this guy I was interested in whom won't even create an email to stay in contact with me. Who in this day and age doesn't have email? I guess he is truly not that in to me. We had great conversation through IM, but in a lot of ways he is giving me mixed messages. So regardless of conversation, I think you just have to let it play out.

    How well do you know this gal's interests? Unfortunately if you are the one doing the pursuing, you have to play to her interests. Otherwise I'm afraid you might have to move on if its not working out. I know I have to.
     
  17. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @yous: My problem is that I cannot get her to open up to me. She is very good at making sure our conversations are short. I know a few of her intersets. However, the knowledge I have is very broad. It is hard to find ways to get her to tell me more. If I was good at conversing I would have no problem doing that.
     
  18. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Do you know if she converses well with other people or is it just you? Does she seem shy? Do you know anything about the amount of people she surrounds herself with?

    This is helping me as well by the way because I'm going through the exact same situation with someone just like her.
     
  19. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @yous: From what I gather she only really spends time at home. I do not know much more about her personal life than that.
     
  20. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Here's what I found out with a guy(and maybe guys are different from girls) I had to deal with recently that I was interested in but was just like this girl of yours. (at least you did go out on a date with her).

    Did she at all express any interest about your life, your issues AND at any point in your relationship did she repeatedly initiate any contact you in which you didn't. In other words, if you didn't contact her in a few days, would she disappear? Because this guy I am interested in, does just that. He's shy and I know very little, he doesn't express anything to me and I'm usually the one conversing. People tell me, I am suffering from 'he's not that into you' issue here with my relationship and I see it fizzling. If she shows the least bit of interest in you, I think you have nothing to worry about. You can slowly build this relationship through time and eventually she will open up. But if you have a one-sided relationship like mine, there is no way you will be able to get through. Hope this helps a little.