Why do I want to die at a young age??

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shi, Mar 26, 2007.

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  1. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    Well I hope you can understand me, I am not a native speaker.

    Actually I don't really know what's happening to me.

    For years...I have this...suicidal feeling. Some days, I just feel like I should kill myself straigh away, some days feel like I could hold on...for a while.

    However I decided... I don't want to become older then 35-37. I am 20 right now. So still a few years to go...I think it doesn't really matter whether I am 20 or 80. In the end everyone has to die. I have still a few plans that I want to see something from the world... SOmetimes I just think I am to good for this world. I am a misanthrop I cannot stand any human beeings, I feel like a prisoner in our society. I just want to be free.

    Isn't there something that would make me love my life. Something, so I could say I want to become old. But I cannot change the world, I can only change my fate.
     
  2. reborn1961

    reborn1961 Guest

    Perhaps you should explore this with a therapist if you haven't already. If I hear you correctly it appears you do not want to reach a certain age and want to escape society. I am not sure those are great reasons to die but that is for you to determine. Many things could make you want to grow old. Like getting married, having children, having grandchildren, traveling the world, enjoying a good career. Hopefully when you reach 30 something your mind will have changed. I am 45 and yes there is life after 20. :biggrin:
     
  3. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    I went to many therapists...none of them could actually help me.

    I will never have children, I really hate them. Therapists say that is because I see my past and I will never get married. I have seen what it did to my parents. I have learned that there is no love, no one I can trust...nothing. I did everything to become like a machine...Not to feel anything, no to be happy or to feel pain.
     
  4. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    Try out different things. Volunteer, work, travel. There must be something that you can take an interest in.
     
  5. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    Hi Shi,

    I'm just wondering if you've ever had a b/f g/f. Maybe if you did find one that you connected with, you would have a reason that you've been searching for.
     
  6. JRC2004

    JRC2004 Well-Known Member

    Hey there,

    I can totally understand this post. I feel exactly the same. I have know that i don't want to 'grow old' since my teens. I am now 32. For me the age was around 50, anythign after that scares the hell out of me. I am not sure what has kept me going since, becasue it sure hasn't been anywhere near a bed of roses, but similarly to you I know there is a lot more living to be done for me. My main motivator is travel and I'll see a lot more places on this planet before I end my life. Having felt lke this for almost half of my life now I think it i quite a sane train of thought. I have never really been one for wanting to end it all immediately. That, for me, would be a waste. I have been through a few long-term relationships and am currently in one. I know this will be my last. I feel like I am in the last season of my life and I feel very calm about it. There is not much I regret about my life - life, however long is too short for regrets. I'll never find joy in family or friends as they don't/can't/won't understand me. I have lost all faith in society and the way most goverbnments are running their respective countries into the ground. They, and a screwed up evolution are helping build societies of crime, racism, classism, violence, crime, hate, hunger, despair - most all to get a few more pounds, dollars, euros. I would hate to get to an age where I am reliant on a society such as this, or scared to even go out of my front door in fear of anything. I will be quite happy to live out my final stage in enjoyment and excess, relying only on the fruits of 'my' labour. 50 for me is a very conservative estimate. There are two things aspects in my life that may bring forward when this decision is executed, both totally unselfish and only thinking of the well-being of others, but that has been my life all over. Until then I still welcome my end
     
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well in my opinion there is nothing much worth living for beyond the age of 50. Unless you could slowly dying.

    What you need to do is find a passion of some kind. A sport a hobby just something to do that you really enjoy doing. And if anything you will be able to do this thing and live your life. Right now I am only emotionally unsatisfied. I have no friends or lovers. I am all by myself in this world. I have really given up on the prospect of having real life friends or lovers. I figure I will just have friends over the internet. I have decided this for many reasons. But that is not important.

    I really believe that you have to work with what life gave you. But we do not know everything life gave us. But if we do not look or try we cannot find what life gave us.

    I hope this helped.
     
  8. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    This thread should come with a trigger warning...its EXACTLY how I feel. I really dont want to live past about 50, maybe younger, depending on what im like physically, and as yet no psychologist has come up with answer for me that I could hang my hat on and say...that makes sense. There are no answers. I look at older people and there health issues, stumbling around, frail and so on...and I have to look away, I cant handle it...its terrible I know, but I just cant look. The only thing thats stopping me thinking this way is looking at my father and seeing how well he is at his age.

    I swear im going to be in my box well before then.
     
  9. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    Well I had many relationships. I cannot love... I cannot trust, I don't know If I want to open myself. In this way it does not work. I hate it when people touch me and on the other side I wish someone would give me a hug. But of course I would never tell this anyone...would mean I am weak...

    Well The only thing I love to is Material Arts....but really there is nothing...that would keep alife....I mean to travel...to see different cultures...does not take to long,does it?

    There is nothing for me to live for....longer then md thirties..Not like this...
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well then become obsessive about the martial arts. But all your energy into becoming the next great master of your discipline.

    As for relationships I have had pretty much none, all have been with men
    who might be considered friends. Never anything beyond that. It is hard to open up ones heart. I know first hand, maybe try to do it slowly or do it on the net. I would say the net is good practice but it is not really. Do not become reliant on it. Then again I have many wonderful net friends.
     
  11. JRC2004

    JRC2004 Well-Known Member

    I agree about finding something you are passionalte in, I do it often, but the fact remains we are not looking entirely for something to fill the time. We are looking for answers to the un-aswerable question of 'why we are?' I have been through major dark points everycouple of years and each time I go off on another projext hoping to find something. It's quite exhausting. Underlying the same questions and despair is there, it just depends how deep you can bury it with your new project. My last black period saw me up sticks and move to a completely different country. I have thrown myself into learning the language and continuing my scuba-diving education. Sometimes I question myself why I am making all the effort when I know the outcome of my life. Should I be saving the effort and money for my end-plan? However much enjoyment I get between now and then, the fact remians once I get past a certain age and ability, not only will I give up on myself, but so will society and all in it.
     
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