Going to rant quite a bit because today has been horribly bad. I've been single for quite a while. No real reason other than trying to get healthy after my divorce and it's associated issues and to live my life and be happy being alone, so that with or without another person I'd still be happy. So, there's this girl at work. She's married and has kids. Is nice to look at but she's not great. Not that funny or smart. Not to be shallow but she's not really what I'd look for even if she weren't married. But for some reason I developed this soul destroying crush on her. I'm sure she might know a bit about how I feel, but I'm hoping not to the depth. For some reason I have it in my head that I love her. I know it's illogical, because of being married and not really my type, but it's there and it sucks. She smiles and talks to me like I'm not some leper, so I think that went a long way to making this crush business happen. Lately, she's been saying things that make me think things aren't great in her marriage. Which at first made me feel wonderful. Not because she might be hurting but because that might be an opening for me. She's also been doing some things lately that seem out of character for her, that from my divorce and some reading I've done makes me think she may be having an affair. But not with me. So that hurts doubly, because she's not with me and because she's with someone else. It feels like she's cheating on me. I don't have any proof and I'm not looking for it. Just some things seem out of whack. I've been trying to deal with that. Because I don't know everything about her, I fill in the blanks with how I want her to be. So, to me she's a good girl, wife and mom type with just a little bad girl. Today, she wasn't wearing her rings. I don't normally look or notice, because I know she's married, but for some reason today I noticed and kind of jokingly said something about it. She said not once but 3 times, "I'm not divorced... yet." See, it's the "yet" that's the problem. I had been working very hard for a few weeks to get over her and was close and this all came about today. Then, she happened to notice this guy outside and said he looked like someone she dated. Without giving too much detail he's of a particular sort that was a problem for me after my divorce in a porn addiction kind of way. I dealt with that years ago and haven't been bothered by it since. But when she said she dated a guy like that it filled my head with all these images of her doing all this dirty stuff with him and completely destroying the good girl image I'd held out for her. So, I came home this evening in a panic. I haven't been this close to doing myself in, ever. Not even during my divorce. And there were some times then where it got really bad. But today was the worst ever. So, as I've learned, I reached out to someone, my sister-in-law. She doesn't always listen but today she did. She's known of this girl and my problems with her for a while. So, I'm describing what happened today with the rings and the guy and I'd already told her a little about the possibility of an affair. And she told me that this girl is trying to manipulate me. But what she's doing is hurting me. I don't know why if she wanted to manipulate me she wouldn't do things like have me do more of her work or something. Why hurt me? I realize now that, that's probably what she's doing, and it hurts really badly. I mean, I've been alone for a while because of my divorce and my wife's affair and trust issues. I wanted to be healthy and happy before getting into another relationship. And then all this comes up, especially today and I'm literally trying to think of reasons not to finally do it. I can't believe I'm in this much pain over a girl I have no real relationship with. And I don't understand why, if she's not getting enough attention at home or isn't happy at home or whatever, why hurt a guy that gives you attention? I don't fawn over her or tell her how beautiful or nice she is or whatever. I just ask how she is and ask about her hobbies and stuff. About how her family is, so as not to be too noticeable. Being nice. Being friendly. And I feel like I'm being punished for just F*CKING being nice. If I've been over the line with her, why not tell me to stop. I'm just trying to being nice. But she's deliberately hurting me because of it. Why? I just don't understand. I'm not a nice guy that women hate. I don't talk to her every day, never bought her anything. Don't swoon when she enters the room. And I've been so lonely lately, that I'd been thinking about maybe starting to date and maybe find someone. Now, I'm not sure I can ever trust a woman to not hurt me. All I can picture now, is spending the rest of my life alone. Afraid of even the simple kindness of people that I see everyday. I was at a 9 or 10 earlier in actually killing myself and am now back down to a 6 or 7. So, I think the threat is over. But man, do I hurt so much right now. I almost had her out. I was almost over the crush. Then the rings and the guy and I'm nearly puking and ready to end it. Why? What did I do TO her? Be kind? Be friendly? My SIL said she's doing it because she can. Because she might not have control over her life and she knows she can control me. But why hurt me? Why do things that will deliberately cause me pain? If she can manipulate me why not do things to help make her life easier? Do her work? Why inflict pain? Sorry for the ramble. Tomorrow I'm going to make my online resume public and start contacting recruiters. I love my job and most of the people I work with and I don't want to leave. But I don't want to die either. Anyone have any thoughts? Anything? Thanks for reading.