Why do I want to do it... over HER?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by odnox, Jul 23, 2008.

  1. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Going to rant quite a bit because today has been horribly bad.

    I've been single for quite a while. No real reason other than trying to get healthy after my divorce and it's associated issues and to live my life and be happy being alone, so that with or without another person I'd still be happy.

    So, there's this girl at work. She's married and has kids. Is nice to look at but she's not great. Not that funny or smart. Not to be shallow but she's not really what I'd look for even if she weren't married. But for some reason I developed this soul destroying crush on her. I'm sure she might know a bit about how I feel, but I'm hoping not to the depth. For some reason I have it in my head that I love her. I know it's illogical, because of being married and not really my type, but it's there and it sucks.

    She smiles and talks to me like I'm not some leper, so I think that went a long way to making this crush business happen. Lately, she's been saying things that make me think things aren't great in her marriage. Which at first made me feel wonderful. Not because she might be hurting but because that might be an opening for me.

    She's also been doing some things lately that seem out of character for her, that from my divorce and some reading I've done makes me think she may be having an affair. But not with me. So that hurts doubly, because she's not with me and because she's with someone else. It feels like she's cheating on me. I don't have any proof and I'm not looking for it. Just some things seem out of whack. I've been trying to deal with that. Because I don't know everything about her, I fill in the blanks with how I want her to be. So, to me she's a good girl, wife and mom type with just a little bad girl.

    Today, she wasn't wearing her rings. I don't normally look or notice, because I know she's married, but for some reason today I noticed and kind of jokingly said something about it. She said not once but 3 times, "I'm not divorced... yet." See, it's the "yet" that's the problem. I had been working very hard for a few weeks to get over her and was close and this all came about today.

    Then, she happened to notice this guy outside and said he looked like someone she dated. Without giving too much detail he's of a particular sort that was a problem for me after my divorce in a porn addiction kind of way. I dealt with that years ago and haven't been bothered by it since. But when she said she dated a guy like that it filled my head with all these images of her doing all this dirty stuff with him and completely destroying the good girl image I'd held out for her.

    So, I came home this evening in a panic. I haven't been this close to doing myself in, ever. Not even during my divorce. And there were some times then where it got really bad. But today was the worst ever.

    So, as I've learned, I reached out to someone, my sister-in-law. She doesn't always listen but today she did. She's known of this girl and my problems with her for a while. So, I'm describing what happened today with the rings and the guy and I'd already told her a little about the possibility of an affair. And she told me that this girl is trying to manipulate me. But what she's doing is hurting me. I don't know why if she wanted to manipulate me she wouldn't do things like have me do more of her work or something. Why hurt me? I realize now that, that's probably what she's doing, and it hurts really badly.

    I mean, I've been alone for a while because of my divorce and my wife's affair and trust issues. I wanted to be healthy and happy before getting into another relationship. And then all this comes up, especially today and I'm literally trying to think of reasons not to finally do it. I can't believe I'm in this much pain over a girl I have no real relationship with. And I don't understand why, if she's not getting enough attention at home or isn't happy at home or whatever, why hurt a guy that gives you attention? I don't fawn over her or tell her how beautiful or nice she is or whatever. I just ask how she is and ask about her hobbies and stuff. About how her family is, so as not to be too noticeable. Being nice. Being friendly. And I feel like I'm being punished for just F*CKING being nice. If I've been over the line with her, why not tell me to stop. I'm just trying to being nice. But she's deliberately hurting me because of it. Why? I just don't understand. I'm not a nice guy that women hate. I don't talk to her every day, never bought her anything. Don't swoon when she enters the room.

    And I've been so lonely lately, that I'd been thinking about maybe starting to date and maybe find someone. Now, I'm not sure I can ever trust a woman to not hurt me. All I can picture now, is spending the rest of my life alone. Afraid of even the simple kindness of people that I see everyday.

    I was at a 9 or 10 earlier in actually killing myself and am now back down to a 6 or 7. So, I think the threat is over. But man, do I hurt so much right now. I almost had her out. I was almost over the crush. Then the rings and the guy and I'm nearly puking and ready to end it. Why? What did I do TO her? Be kind? Be friendly? My SIL said she's doing it because she can. Because she might not have control over her life and she knows she can control me. But why hurt me? Why do things that will deliberately cause me pain? If she can manipulate me why not do things to help make her life easier? Do her work? Why inflict pain?

    Sorry for the ramble.

    Tomorrow I'm going to make my online resume public and start contacting recruiters. I love my job and most of the people I work with and I don't want to leave. But I don't want to die either.

    Anyone have any thoughts? Anything?

    Thanks for reading.
  2. Susan_G

    Susan_G Well-Known Member

    Not all women are like that. I hate that they give us all a bad name.

    I have been divorced for sometime and I wonder when cupid will strike. It is tempting to just jump into any offer that comes along. Take your time and get it right.
  3. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I know not all women are like that. And I think I have a little better grasp of what IS going on. I tossed and turned all night about this and I have another much more logical theory. It's all just in my head.

    The things that I hold on to as proof one way or the other about her are just a small part of our interactions. When she says or does something nice or that express an interest in wanting to know more about me, I think she's expressing her love for me, because that's what I want it to mean. But she could just be wanting to be friends with someone she works with and wants to know me more so we can be friends. That's it. I think that's why I couldn't understand why she would try to hurt me instead of trying to get things out of me. The hurt was in my head, and the lack of trying to get me to do stuff was because she wasn't trying to manipulate me.

    I've been alone for a long time and my heart has a place that needs to be filled. And I was only too happy to fill it with her. I felt bad about myself and being alone, she didn't run away when we talked, so I filled up on her and I kept filling up cause it felt good for a change.

    So, my guess is that this was never anything about what she was doing or saying, but about what I needed to feel better. I like Wednesdays in the office because I get to see everyone, not just her. It makes me feel better to be around people and talk and laugh and commiserate. But that place in my heart is just for one woman and she was the chosen one. It isn't fair to any others until I can get her out nor fair to her to put her there without her agreement, but I no longer believe that she's deliberately doing anything to affect that. It's all just how I'm choosing to look at things.

    So, we've gone from her being manipulative to me being crazy. :smile: I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but it is probably more accurate.

    OK then. Feeling better. Thanks again for listening! Sorry for rambling on. I think this is it for me. I do feel better, but feel like such a schmuck for this whole period of my life. For freaking out at what was really nothing. For "falling in love" with someone who would never return the feelings. Like walking out of a dark room into the sunlight. It's good to be out of the darkness, but my eyes are still adjusting to the sunlight. I feel better but also still in a little pain from the realization. So much wasted time and energy. I feel stupid.
  4. Susan_G

    Susan_G Well-Known Member

    Don't feel stupid or apolgize for having feeligs. Emotions arn't good or bad they just are.

  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Was just going to post that you need to step back from this and see the reality of the situation, when I see you already have :smile:

    You do not love this girl. Crushes are buggers at the best of times, but when you're feeling alone and tossed back into the single life..arrrgh a recipe for disaster.
    Time I think for you to maybe take some tentative steps back into the world of dating, or at least start going out with friends and meeting people.
    I think you are right, this girl has no hidden agenda and would probably be aghast if she thought you thought that:blink:
    And for the record, this doesn't make you crazy, just somewhat lonely and maybe ready to get back into things. :smile:
  6. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Thanks Susan and Terry!

    I'm an INFP and I spend most of my life in my head. I think too much. I have to know why things make me feel the way I do.

    I do need to get out more. I work from home 4 days per week, and even on the weekends I don't go out to do very much. So, I have a LOT of solitude and it's not bad sometimes but on occasion it just seems to blow up. I also haven't really dated a lot because I tended to be in long term relationships, followed by long periods of reflecting on what went wrong. I think the fact that I only have a very few friends and only one that's a woman, has me seeing every interaction with a woman as romantic. I need to build more friendships and much more of them need to be with women. I tend to be able to talk with women a lot more openly. A guy at work said he met his wife because he had this big group of girl friends that he'd hang out with and this one came along at a time when he was comfortable being friends with women.

    It all seems so junior high though.

    Fortunately, I haven't professed my love to her or really said that much to anyone besides my family or posting here about her. So, I'm hoping that I can just move on. I'm not sure if trying to be just friends with her is a good idea. Not yet anyway and maybe never. But it does help me see our interactions in a different light.

    You know, I've been down for a long time and while it stings a little to realize how stupid I was to have a crush on her and waste so much time on her and think about killing myself because of her, right now I feel the best I've felt in a very long time. Maybe it did just take a 2x4 to the head to snap me out of it. While I'm in a better place, I think I'll setup some counselling to make sure I keep moving forward. And I think I'll start going into the office more often. My team won't be there but forcing myself out of the house and being around other people might be good for me, even if paying for gas will suck.

    Thanks again!! It feels great not to be alone.
  7. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Still thinking about her...

    Most of today was a little better. I have been thinking about how to get my life going in the right direction. Got out of the house for a bit.

    This afternoon it's been a little harder again. I miss her. I know that's stupid to miss someone you don't actually have a relationship with but that's the best way to describe it. I'm not suicidal over her right now and I don't know that I ever will be again. It's just that I had this idea about her and I, and knowing it won't actually come true is painful.

    The girl in my heart has qualities the the girl in real life doesn't have. After yesterday and some of what I learned I don't think I even know or LIKE the girl in real life. I don't know why I would have ever seen anything to love in her.

    So, I'm hurting a little over her again. Part of me really misses her, part of me is repulsed by her. Maybe this is the anger stage?

    I guess I take it day by day, and try to get out and meet other people. We'll see.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2008
  8. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I was feeling really good this morning and wanting to help people. But the topic of bad boys and nice guys has my stomach in knots again. I'm having issues again about my crush and that whole topic and it sucks. Part of me wishes she was the good girl I had in my mind last week(and single), part of me now sees her as a poor choice, bad boy chasing girl that for some reason I now want to "save." I guess maybe I'm no different than the girls who want to date bad boys.

    It feels like someone washed the windows I view her through and I'm not liking what I'm seeing, even if I was already able to forget some of the stuff I already knew about her. And I'm not liking what I'm feeling about myself either. Not only should I not be thinking about her, I should accept that we're all not perfect and be more forgiving. Of both her and myself. I think right now I'm just struggling with how much I wanted something to work out between me and the vision of her in my heart. But now I see we're both not perfect and I'm hoping not to convince myself that because we're both not perfect that it means we're perfect for each other. We're not. Or maybe we are and if the situation were different... Can't think like that.

    Her past is her past, mine is mine and the only thing we have is who we are inside right now. She IS a good wife and a good mom and I DO like her as a person. I just want to hug her and tell her that I'm sorry and walk away. But how weird would that be. Sorry for what? What are you talking about? Freak!

    I still believe what I said on that other post. I think if I'm happy with myself I'll find the girl who is right for me and I won't have to put her on a pedestal. My mom told me after my divorce that "it's not until you can be happy being on your own, that you have the most to offer someone else." I guess I focused too much on the "on your own" part and not enough on the happy part. Man, I miss my mom. I'd hug her and tell her thank you about now.

    Ultimately, I think we're all broken just a little. And if we can accept that about each other, we might not feel so alone. Man, being alone sucks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2008
  9. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I'm out. Sorry for taking up everyone's time. I hope you all find happiness.
  10. onenineteen

    onenineteen Antiquities Friend

    This is such a true statement, and personally I'm very guilty of not paying attention to it. Sometimes I think our minds and hearts create an image of who ideally we want to be with and apply this image to someone who closely fits the profile, without any thing else and lack of reason, and it's so hard to resist it, and we don't want the other details.