Why do people always say "it gets better"?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheLoneWolf, May 11, 2012.

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  1. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I've been depressed for over 20 years. It hasn't gotten any better for me. This isn't a "teenage phase", I'm long past that. This is my LIFE. And I HATE it.

    Is this just something that people say to cheer you up, or does it really "get better" for most people? If so, then I must be extremely unlucky, to have gone 20+ years without my life ever "getting better".

    If there is a God, he obviously hates me.
  2. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    Hi, Lone Wolf. Tell me what's going on. Here to listen.
  3. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member


    I agree so much with you're saying! People keep saying it gets better but the truth is that for some people it NEVER gets better. Its not a phase or the "teenage blues" it's an everyday thing. Right now Im just behaving the way I think I'm suppose to act in order to not alarm anyone. But if I was left up to my own devices I wouldn't even get out of bed. Ive even tried making changes to my life I still feel like this empty husk that feels nothing but sadness. Basically we just live because we don't want to hurt the few people who may care about us. Sometimes there is no hope just emptiness.
  4. anuj

    anuj Active Member

    I have been depressed for around last 5 years. I see that you kept on suffering from it for 20 years and nothing gets better for you. If it never get better then I should not try for this. I hate myself. I don't deserve the treatment I get from others, as I haven't done anything significant in my life. A thing that I can proudly say about myself. I should sleep in garbage. I know if I tell people what I had done with them they will hate me. I don't deserve to here either. :-( ban me. World will be better without me.
  5. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    people don't have anything good to say. i mean, they have no idea how to deal with people like us so they think saying this will immediately make us feel better and cheer up so they won't have to deal with it anymore. they don't know what it's like, they that the next time you're smiling, you've forgotten all about it. and since they can't tell you to suck it up or to deal with it, they say it's going to be okay.
  6. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    Not everyone is like that.
  7. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Has it really NEVER gotten better? Was there not a single moment of happiness in your life in 20 years? I'm having a hard time believing that because if I was miserable nonstop for an entire 20 years, I'm not sure if I would still be here. I think there have been moments where things got better, but you may have been too preoccupied with bad events from the past and fear of the future to appreciate any good moments that you had in the present. Of course, after things get a bit better, they may get worse again, but that's life. We wouldn't even know what happiness was if we never felt despair. Life is filled with good and bad, and you have to appreciate and accept both good and bad equally. If you don't accept the bad, and don't have time or energy to appreciate the good, then surely it would feel like things never change. Also, I don't personally believe in god, but I have a Higher Power that isn't god, and I've been realizing that the only reason I felt like it "hated" me and wouldn't help me was because I was too busy feeling miserable to let it try.
  8. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    ^Wow AOM that's really uplifting!

    Really, I don't think it gets better unless you actively do something to make it better… not that this is by any means easy.

    And there's still going to be a lot of crap to deal with-- it's actually really awful just how much time we spend waiting around for things to happen and not really doing anything.
  9. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    I agree that life is full of ups and downs nothing will ever be perfect or great all the time.

    I can only speak for myself I've come to certain realizations at this point in my life. For lack of better word I'm a loser I'm weak mentally, the friends I had in high school and college have moved on to the next phase of their lives while I'm still in the same place I was back in college, i can't maintain any type of emotional connection the woman I loved it didn't matter what I did age never wanted me, I barely speak to half my family, and the other half has no idea how to even deal with me. So for people like there isn't a happy there isn't going to be that day I wake up and say wow I'm glad I hung on things have gotten better. How can anyone like or even love me when I hate myself and look in the mirror and think loser, failure, reject? I don't have anymore hope.
  10. Silex_Drade

    Silex_Drade Member

    Yes, i have no idea, maybe people think they have to say it because it's in the protocol, but it helps nothing at all. I mean, do they really think it helps? What about "It all depends on you"? Oh man... I hate when people tell me that, to me it's more offensive than if they say "I hope you get cancer and AIDS and burn in hell" -.-
  11. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    It does get better, but like anything else it does require a lot of investment (and I don't mean money). A roadmap for wellness is a good place to start. What did you put onto your roadmap, and what milestones along the way have you not been able to achieve?

    I understand in some ways what you're saying about "it gets better" though. When my son took his own life, people would say to me, "It will be alright." They meant to comfort me, but they did not achieve that. In fact, that blanket statement only made me mad. It is not alright and it won't be alright. My entire life is ruined by this loss... but, I keep up my head and I fight to make something good come of this.

    I would love to hear what your strategy has been. Perhaps we can help tweak it so that you can achieve some of the goals you have set for wellness.
  12. Hoth

    Hoth Active Member

    I can't speak for the OP but I have gone 19 years without a single moment of happiness. Believe it! My parents will make me feel extremely guilty if I commit suicide so I'm stuck to rot on this earth.
  13. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Right?! Lol. Bet you'd never think you'd see anything like that coming from me from what you've known of me on this forum :p (don't worry, I'm still shocked too, lol).

    OP, just look at my name on here. I'm a primary example of things getting better if you try to make them better, just like Gloomy said. But if you're stuck in the same thinking patterns (which was my problem as well), things won't change. It's very hard to change your automatic thinking, especially when you've been thinking the same thoughts for many years. But it's like exercising a muscle in physical therapy to make it work properly again. It takes time and effort. Personally what worked for me was giving Naranon and Alanon a chance. I'm dealing with an active addict living with me, and my life was completely miserable because I let him and his actions affect my thinking and behavior. I don't know what your problems are, but there's a solution for them out there somewhere. But like I said, you have me as an example that things do get better. My addict didn't stop using, hes still active. What changed was my perspective. Just wanted to give you some hope. I know it's hard to grasp, I didn't exactly take any hope from anyone either when I was suicidal, but my main mistake was that I kept trying methods which didn't work for me. When you keep trying and learn what does work, you can get better too. Also, there's always something to be grateful for, even if it's just the warm bed you sleep in at night or how beautiful the weather is.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2012
  14. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    "Happiness" is a strong word. Some days I feel okay, many days I feel miserable, most days I just feel apathetic. I know what happiness is supposed to feel like, I've *almost* felt it before. I've only allowed myself to live this long in the hopes that I might someday know what real happiness feels like. I've had tastes of it, and I want it... so badly. I can accept the bad from my past, that part is over now, but there are parts of my life now that I cannot accept because they are blocking me from finding happiness. The bad part is that I can't change them either without making things worse. It's like I have a knife in my skull, it hurts and I desperately want to pull it out, but if I do it will cause further damage and I might bleed out and die. The reason I have kept living is in the hopes that some day I'll find somebody who can remove that knife without hurting or killing me in the process.

    You talk about "the good" of life, but I honestly don't have any good anymore. There are aspects of my life that are "okay" and bearable, but nothing that I really enjoy anymore. Even things that I used to enjoy have just become habits to keep me preoccupied and feeling normal, they no longer bring me any pleasure. There's only one thing that I want out of life, and it's the one thing that you CAN'T force or just "make happen". It either happens, or it doesn't. It's entirely up to fate. And I've basically made it nearly impossible for it to happen even if it WAS destined to happen.

    I'm not sure whether or not I believe in god either. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. What sucks is, neither option brings me any comfort. If there is no god, then there's no such thing as fate, we're all alone in this world, and no sort of karma or divine intervention is ever going to change my life. If there is a god, then my life is either some kind of test that I'm probably failing, or god isn't particularly fond of me.
  15. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Naranon and Alanon have changed my life. I live with an active heroin addict. He is my fiance. Yet he is usually not capable of making me happy because he is sick. So what have I learned to do? I've learned to do my best to make myself happy instead of looking for it from other people. I don't know what exactly your situation is that is making you unhappy, but there is a solution for it out there somewhere. I was so suicidal before I found the help I needed. I already bought the stuff I needed to kill myself and going to this meeting was my last resort. My psychiatrist had recommended them to me. I thought I would just go, prove myself right, and off myself soon after. The opposite started to happen. I went to this meeting and the pain that I had, everyone else had as well. I felt like I wasn't alone for the first time in my life. I kept coming and learning the Steps, slogans, reading the literature, etc. The program helped me learn how to take care of myself, how to take the obsession/anxiety/fear away, how to stop feeling guilty and ashamed, how to be grateful for the things I do have instead of pitying myself for the things I don't, to not have any expectations, to not blame anybody during a conflict and accept that people do their best just as I do my best, to accept that everyone makes mistakes, forgive, and to not be angry. And I can apply all of these principles in all aspects of my life, not just with addiction. By the way, my addict is still actively using. He hasn't changed a bit. What's changed is me and my perspective of things. And I haven't thought about using those things I bought to kill myself ever since.
  16. itsastupidgame

    itsastupidgame New Member

    Both of these posts sum it up perfectly. I'm 27 and i've tried big changes small changes and yea it NEVER gets better, no matter the difference in circumstance its all just fucking awful nothingness. Why the fuck would anyone want to continue? No matter what you do different its all just nothing. Hope dies there is only so many years you can tell yourself that one day it really will get better. I use to think everyone just pretended now I can see people seem be genuinely happy and enjoying life. Well i'm not one of them and never have been so what the point in playing a game you hate?
  17. itsastupidgame

    itsastupidgame New Member

    I really wish you we're right...but your not. Even people who've been in this place and somehow decided there's a reason to keep going won't really talk to you cause there afraid of going down with you. Once you really tell them why your feeling this way all their excuses for staying start to sound flimsy again so they avoid you, they can't risk being reminded that there just back to pretenting its all ok.
  18. Silent1

    Silent1 Well-Known Member

    yea i hate that saying, when doctors or anyone says that to me i just get up and flip the chair im ike screw that 12 year countless pills nothing is getting better im just along for a long ride of a depressed life
  19. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I have personally never believed that pills bring any cures. They're control mechanisms and band aides, but I don't think anyone should expect for medication to be a cure solution. My doctor has me on high blood pressure medication to bring down my blood pressure, and it works, but my real cure for reducing blood pressure should be eating right and exercise. In that respect, I'm probably guilty of relying on the medications and I should get up and out more and I should reduce salt and other things that affect. :)
  20. st_91

    st_91 Active Member

    I've been the way i am for over 10 years now.. I hope that things will get better but not very optimistic.

    I always say things will get better to other people, even though i don't believe it myself :sad:
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