Why Do People Hurt People?

total eclipse · Aug 26, 2009

No it is not all you It sounds to me you are dealing with a bully. Probably been that way all her life. The besst thing is to ignore her but don't let her get away with disrepecting you. Keep lettingher know when she has crossed the line but try to stay clear as she is just getting a sick sense of enjoyment out of hurting you. She is clearly low in self esteem herself to have to torment you ignoring her may be the only way to get her off your back,

peapod · Aug 26, 2009

ggg4567 said:

Hi ggg4567, sorry I wasn't clear, I mean making friends with everyone else at work but the bitchy person.

Polar, I read that you told your colleague that she had hurt you, you shouldn't tell people like that they hurt your feelings, because your giving them a reaction. I was recently out eating at a cafe with my sister, who can be pretty bitchy sometimes (she is a good person deep down though) and anyway, she was very rude to 2 women getting our food.
I watched both of their reactions, and both of them were very similar, they just kept talking with the exactly the same tone of voice, ignoring my sister and not getting upset by it. It didn't get to them, and my sisters bitchness had no effect.

This kind of reaction is something you could practice. Also here's a cool link to help with feeling down:
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/recovering_from_abuse_using_meditation_to_heal_emotions.html : )

plates · Aug 26, 2009

You're being treated abhorrently and it's despicable that the management is defending her behaviour and I'd guess, a lot of other people in your place is on her side because it's easier. You know, I'm sure there are people out there that you could talk to who would support you and take action against your coworker. Workplace bullying is very common, you aren't alone. Your feelings of not able to trust is so understandable considering what she's putting you through. She's A. controlling you. B. isolating you. C. playing with you and manipulating you D. physically abusing you and verbally abusing you

You are not weak and you aren't overreacting. No way, in fact I think you're very thoughtful and insightful and you're scared and are dealing with a difficult situation in the only way you know how, perhaps by hurting yourself, avoiding her, and being very sensitive to others feelings and putting others first- if that happened to me I'd be yelling :tongue: so loud and letting people know what is going on. To let as many people know and to point out her behaviour and make it clear- is what will frighten people into realising and acting against this woman. Your mental health is probably suffering, I'm not sure...but all these things can leave long lasting psychological scars.

You're scared and your work place shouldn't be a place of fear and intimidation. No.

I personally think ignoring her won't do a thing. It'd just keep the silence going and she'll think her behaviour is acceptable.

Why does she do this? You probably have something she wants, you have integrity and sensitivity and you're different and she feels threatened because she craves that herself. It's just a thought but please do not blame yourself for her abuse and let the relevant people know.

Polar · Aug 26, 2009

Hi Everybody,

Thank you for your solace and kind words.

Peopod, are you suggesting that I just ignore people who are being hurtful? If so, how would they ever know they're being hurtful? How would it stop them from still doing it?

I've always lived an honest life and pride myself on my honesty. I kind of think being upfront is sometimes a good policy even if it ends up hurting you. At least you can say you've tried to do the right thing.

Thank you for your messages.

Kind regards,

Polar

peapod · Aug 27, 2009

Hi Polar and Gggg, I understand where you are coming from. : )
These people are looking for a reaction, they want to know that they have hurt your feelings.
By ignore, I mean don't give her the reaction she is looking for. And do not take anything that she has to say to heart, because she is a weirdo, and her opinions on you have no value whatsoever.
This is the only thing I mean by "ignore" I mean do not let her insults hit home or upset you. It renders the person trying to hurt you powerless that way.
Also what you said about how would you let someone know that they are getting on your nerves is true! Assertiveness skills at work training will be valuable for this! Best wishes Polar!!!!

Polar · Aug 27, 2009

Hi Everybody,

Thank you Peapod for that clarification and ggg4567 and violet for your support. Everybody's input has been much appreciated.

I suppose if hurt is inevitable then love must be do? Is this right? For instance for the weak there will be the strong and for the big there will always be the small?

If hurt is so prevalent, then love must be too? Maybe we just have to look a little deeper within ourselves.

Take care and please feel free to post your messages. Your input is more than welcome.

Kind regards,

Polar

total eclipse · Aug 27, 2009

Their are people who care and have capacity to heal others but it is hard to find these people as they are among the few. I guess thats why when you come across them they stick in your memory. There is alot of kindness and care on this forum if only everyone would take time out to just understand.

plates · Aug 27, 2009

peapod said:

That will keep the same things going on and on. I think it's a delusion/denial to think that the behaviour of this woman isn't hurting Polar terribly. If it didn't have value, Polar wouldn't be posting his thoughts here.

I understand what you're saying though but I really think appropriate action needs to be taken with her. Maybe the woman will never know how much distress and harm she's doing because she's blind, but turning a blind eye and telling people that their reactions - to not let it hurt or upset you is just going to keep the same old thing going.

Polar · Aug 28, 2009

Hi Everybody,

Thank you for your responses.

I spoke to a manager on the point of telling the person you have been hurt by them. She agreed with you saying it leaves you open for vulnerability.

I know we've talked about assertiveness but how do we be assertive and let the person know they have hurt us?

Is it possible to do it without opening ourselves up to further persecution?

Here is an example:

Tom has been ignored by Harry for months and whenever Tom starts talking to Harry, he is ignored further. If I were Tom, I would say:

"I feel hurt because you seem like you never want to talk to me"

How else can we phrase this effectively?

Take care.

Kind regards,

Polar

Acy · Aug 28, 2009

Polar,

Kudos for dealing with the issue at work!

As for using assertiveness, perhaps how we phrase things depends on the situation.

A work situation might be handled differently than a personal situation. What you say above is good for a friendship or personal situation! At work, management, generally, just wants the job done whether or not Tom and Harry are "friendly" colleagues.

Assuming Tom is only concerned about talking about work issues with Harry, I'd suggest that Tom have a private convo with him. Tom might focus on the effect it has on his work. "Harry we don't seem able to talk to each other and I feel frustrated because we need to work together on [some work issue]."

Another tactic Tom could use if it's just info he needs is to ask for it with lots of people (including the manager, if possible!) right there. And/or Tom could send Harry a memo, "Harry, I need X info from you no later than X date in order to do X [work project]." And copy the boss on the memo.

If it is a personality clash between Tom and Harry, Tom might say, "Harry, I know we have different styles and approaches. I'd like the chance to learn how you deal with X, but we don't seem to talk. I feel upset when you freeze me out. Let's resolve this before it starts to affect our jobs!"

Tom could also keep a private diary of his attempts at resolution (what he said/did and Harry's responses). Then, if Tom's attempts to make things work don't work, Tom can go to the boss and say, "On August 28, I spoke with Harry about..." "On August 29, I sent a memo, and you were copied on it..." "On September 2, Harry just walked away when I asked about the data for..." It might not work. But it shows Tom has done his part.

I recommend reading up about workplace bullying. It can be devastating to face it over the long-term. Unless a target can truly come to feel that "Success, despite the bully, is the best revenge," it's demoralizing to face the bully day after day. (I' speaking from personal experience.)

Good luck, Polar!

A.

Polar · Aug 29, 2009

Hi Acy,

Thank you for your response and your help again. It is much appreciated.

Interestingly, the manager I spoke to about assertiveness said she has two sides to her. The professional and the personal. I think you highlighted this well in what you just wrote.

Your examples of phrasing difficult responses is excellent as well. It seems you also have a skill and eye for assertiveness.

Thanks again.

Kind regards,

Polar

Polar · Aug 30, 2009

Hi Everybody,

I have another question. If someone does accidentally hurt somebody, what should their response be.

Should they immediately apologise, just try to be nicer next time or leave the person in peace? These are just example responses.

If anybody would like to share their experiences where they have hurt somebody and have reacted in a certain way I would really like to know.

My response has always been an apology but everybody is different.

Take care.

Kind regards,

Polar

ashes_away · Aug 30, 2009

both a and b ,lol. It is just common courtesy.Although sometimes you will find that you had not hurt their feelings at all but at least they know how considerate you really are :wink:

Polar · Sep 1, 2009

Hi Ashes_Away,

Thank you for your response.

Generally speaking, that's a very good answer.

Kind regards,

Polar

johnnysays · Sep 2, 2009

I was teased a lot, and I mean a lot. I got "work experience", lol.

I think people don't really understand what they're doing when they tease. I think a lot of them do it for fun and others do it because of peer pressure. (It's kind of like they're marking their territory, while for others they're just doing it so they don't become a target themselves.) In the end, I don't think that most of them really know what they're getting themselves into when they tease someone. I think most people grow out of it, but by then the damage is already.

Just human nature. I don't think people are evil underneath, just confused or self-righteous. I think there's a complicated chemistry going on and it's hard to understand. Hard to explain it in little posts like this.

Have you ever felt that you were RIGHT? Well anytime we feel we're RIGHT, we block out the opinions and feelings of others. That can hurt them. One of my theories is that people who feel too strongly about being right are the one's best suited to become powerfull leaders and even bullies. I'm talking here about adult bullies, not about the growing pains of a child who's coming to terms with life and its demands. I'm referring to people who never grow out of it. I think for them it's a matter of being either too confused or too self-righteous. When someone is too confused they may get overly defensive and become paranoid monsters (all because they don't want to appear confused) - i can imagine this becoming a problem if you're the leader of a nation. For self-rigteous people the danger is that they'll never reflect or be critical of their own choices - thus becoming too tyrannical, but very effective at leading.

Ever heard people say, "I want a strong leader with conviction." Could it be we're hardwired to believe and put our support behind people who're essentially bullies?? Maybe I'm wrong about all this, but it does seem to me that some of the richest and most powerfull people have psychological or personality issues of their own that they wouldn't want to admit to and nor would we (we believe in them).

Angelo_91 · Sep 3, 2009

it all roots down because we are selfish

createdforopinion · Sep 3, 2009

Throughout my experiences in my own miserable life I have observed that people hurt other people for a multitude of reasons. Some do it to make themselves feel better at the cost of whoever they hurt. Some do it and don't realize how damaging it can be. Some do it because others do it. And unfortunately there are far too many people who are just plain nasty human beings and do it seemingly for no good reason.

tls5669 · Sep 3, 2009

It's in some peoples nature to hurt. And sometimes I'm sure people don't mean to do it. And then it just happens. It's hard for me to tell someone when they hurt me, in fear that I may upset them, especially if I care about them.

Being emotionally hurt is rough, and It sometimes take a while to heal, to be honest I'd rather be hurt physically, at least that pain goes away.

Polar · Sep 5, 2009

Hi Everybody,

Thank you for your responses regarding why people hurt other people.

Selfishness, inferiority, peer pressure and human nature are interesting reasons why people may hurt other people.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Anymore thoughts are more than welcome.

Kind regards,

Polar

Polar · Sep 9, 2009

Hi Everybody,

I have a quote regarding hurt I would like to share with you that is sometimes controversial.

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks the heart.”

This quote was made by Phyllis McGinley who was a poet and a writer of children's books. She won a Pulitzer Prize for Poetry in 1961.

My personal view is that I think this is a very true statement. This is why I believe so.

Personally, I would rather somebody told me they didn't think much of me than do it in a concealed and behind the scenes way. I know I have always thought at least the person who is brutally honest has been honest and has not been deceptive. So at least it represents honesty.

Also, a person telling you straight to your face means they have obviously said it for a reason. That way it allows a matter which needs to be fixed out in the open and offers both parties the opportunity to discuss it and find an answer. This is something a person may never have known if it is not said. So it demonstrates openness.

The last is respect. I know it seems strange but if someone is saying this to your face it means they are at least giving you the respect of letting you know how they feel. Although the things they say to you might not be pleasant, they are demonstrating that they have enough respect to say it to you and to let you know how they are feeling rather than hiding it and going about it in obscured ways.

Also, I would rather be a part of someone's life even if they hurt me because at least that person is saying I stil value you to some extent. If they are treated disrespectfully and then ignored or snubbed then I know from experience it is far worse.

I know everybody's personality is different and everybody would have different opinions on this. I would respect anybody who felt the other way too because I know words can't be undone and they can leave long lasting scars. This is just my perspective on this quote which I think has a great amount of merit.

What do you think?

Take care.

Kind regards,

Polar

Why Do People Hurt People?

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