You described me, how I was this past year. And yeah I hated myself. I hated myself for not being able to do what others can do. I hated myself for not having any friends and feeling like a failure in this sense. I hated myself for being unable to cope with an unstable sister, I hated myself for not being able to 'save' my family, I hated myself for having to leave home, I hated myself for being 'weak' and withdrawing from a course, I hated myself for feeling alienated from the one place I thought I felt slightly okay (university) and the world in general, I hated myself for not being able to go back to the course, I hated myself for not being able to approach people, I hated myself for being scared of people, I hated myself for hiding all the time. I hated my pathetic self harming routines. I hated feeling unloved. I hated feeling empty. I hated wasting my time and dissociating because I couldn't take the anxiety over whether I could start my degree or not...I don't know.
But then I realised I didn't need to do all those things. Mainly I read a book in the summer my girlfriend had 'Nobody Passes'..which made me think a lot and I found myself relating to it a lot. And my girlfriend has helped me realise we both are different and we both aren't going to fit into the world and I'm glad I have someone like that in my life. I've also gone through a lot these few months which has made me stronger in a lot of ways..