WHY do women DO this. Please?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ToHelp, Nov 22, 2008.

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  1. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Hello everybody,

    It's John here and I'm breaking this two posts so as not to overwhelm Constant Reader (that's you :)). First I want to thank you for taking time for me. Often, other people's drama is boring and I recognize that.

    So thank you.

    I done passed all considerations of suicide (for which have to credit meducation) but DAMN that doesn't make my 45 year-old life any easier to understand - and historically women have just been an insurmountable problem from me; a need (love) but just cannot get and keep it.

    This last time (we'll call her Linda -- she'd sport me through Google in a heartbat), just up disappeared.

    Linda and I met online, different forum about six months ago, and omg *magic/BAM.* Something happened, y'all. We "clicked" and hit it off so fast, as though we were predestined to meet.

    Naturally over the months we've fought but this is about the 7th time that she has just disappeared. No phone. No e-mail. No IM.

    [continued below]​
  2. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    She lives in Ohio, so of course we always allow snow/weather outtages. But my God people - my thoughts now are "Enough." Enough of this. She shows online, btw.; and in various ways. On IM, she'll be on. She'll show as "Away," etc.--but has not shown as her Internet (cable high speed) being down. And has not e-mailed me.

    I am soft-hearted and will emotionally get attached to people soooo easily. We have had some truly marathon sessions over the phone as well.. Six hour PLUS in ou early days.

    But she's 50 years old and hides me like a nasty secret. She's divorced for several years but will take these extraordinary means to keep me a secret from your family. (Says "will announce when everyone is over here Thanksgsiving.")

    Could she be a player?

    WHY are some woman so devious and skilled. I DON'T GET IT. I once cried and cried--virtually mourned over what turned out to be be an extended outage in your Interest coonection BUT like I said, I'm over over PAST gaffes.

    THIS go-round, I'm thinl "ENOUGH" as well asl "Not this time ol' gal." I am not mourning but rather thinking from a position of empowerment.

    I thinnk it's high time, myself.

    But does anyone pls have answers? Theories as to WHY? I swear, I did nothing to spook or alarm her.

    Ok well thanks,
  3. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    "But does anyone pls have answers? Theories as to WHY? I swear, I did nothing to spook or alarm her."

    John, you dont need to spook or alarm a person for them to feel threaten in their little self settled life style. It sounds like the lady doesn't feel ready to further this relationship or to give it 'body' by introducing you to her siblings.

    I can't advise you as to what to do as I do not know the lady and a thrid party shouldnt put their fingers in a couple's relationship (i know too well the consequences) so all I can tell you is to either give her time to make up her mind or to move on and forget her and seek someone in real life.

    Dont know if that helps you or not but this is how i see it
    Sorry if you have to suffer from this relationship, I dislike people hurting each other even if not willingly or with aims.

    be well and stay safe John
  4. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Granny as the sole respondent (lol), I thank you. It helps to hear your reflections. 'It sounds like the lady doesn't feel ready to further this relationship' - I wish to hell she would just SAY AS MUCH. This, as you alluded to, a height of cruelty,

    Constant deception only wounds my heart. Six months everyday is a goodly time. It will add a scar and I believe scars heal and fade but NEVER go away.

    If I am correct and she is outright lying to me (about anything)--this really pisses me off. And "better to be angry than a pile of sobbing mush" over something, I believe the wisdom goes.

    (Anger I believe is an early healing stage to loss.)

    * * * * *

    Look I'm 45. She's for God's sake 50. If you can never trust anyone, at any age, your mind and thought processes "learn" from these experiences. Does anyone understand?

    I.e., long ago I gave up on ever having a family, and am now starting to think my destiny in life is to just live alone.

    I'm still so bitter about this man. It teaches me that NO ONE (female) is dare to be trusted with my heart.

    I cannot chance this drama/trauma anymore, not with major depressive disorder (MDD) looming in the background. It is a HIGH gamble for me. Does anyone else understand, agree, or disagree with this conclusion?

    Ronnie Milsap once sang a song that went "And it's almost like a song, but it's much too sad to write." :sad:

    I believe the MDD increases the chances of a tragic outcome to this kind of trauma precitously.

    Reflections, commments, PLEASE.

  5. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i have no answers, you always need to be careful when meeting people online as you never know who they are really, this could be many reasons but you should get an idea if you think back to your convos in case there was something there to give you a clue.
    it may be down to she just gone off you and cant face up to letting you know, hoping you will give up.

    either way mate, sounds like its dead in the water so maybe you should just move on, nothing wrong with being soft hearted to the right person, i am the same.

    take care
  6. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Andy, thanks. "you always need to be careful when meeting people online"

    Well shoot common sense tells me that--but since I just can't socialize confindently IRL, the Internet has bee irresistably alluring ever '98,

    "you should get an idea if you think back to your convos in case there was something there to give you a clue."

    Well I DO believe she's a 50 year-old mom of four (divorced, remember). But it was STUPID of me to ignore the fact all along that kept she
    me secret from family.

    Hell she accused me so much during our early fights of being "a player" (one who courts several chics) that maybe I should have gotten a clue SHE had men on the side and so was suspicious of everyone else doing it.

    You can't see everything as well as we can now--Monday morning quarterbacking, right?

    Still - good Lord. What a mess. LOL I'm thinking of "swearing off" women and just concentrating on my MDD treatment.

    I'm just far too naive to know who's a fraud and who might actually be "safe" to open my heart to.

    It's not like my history isn't there to learn from. I have NEVER had a healthy relationship and ALWAYS gotten burnt.

    And mates & lassies let me tell you, there is no pain in this WORLD like the pain of heartbreak.

  7. jam1e

    jam1e Guest

    I have no idea?

    However, i am sooo in love with a girl who tells me she loves me to!

    Great, i think! But i know i will be the one ending up hurt! But their you go, it's good for now!!:smile:
  8. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    thats the thing john, love is always a risk but theres nothing you can do to change that or how you feel or who you are.
    you just need to realise its not your fault.
    you cant go into a relationship expecting betrayl or lies coz that will just sour everything from the start.
    dont give up tho, who knows what tomorrow brings
  9. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Mate. (*tip hat*):

    Well, sure enough she e-mails me back!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I only "sound" so excited ("!!!!!!!!!!!") because God it sucks big hairly balls to just be TRULY dumped (i.e., no further contact). And thank the Lord, I wasn't.

    But this lady, a vereteran R.N. no less, SCREAMS caution to my intuitions. In a psychological axiom of human behavior:

    "The best predictor of one's future behavior is his or past."

    I know this well, as while it is true that people can change, for the most part people just don't change engrained habits.

    Perfect expample, the patient with an abusive spousal history. I don't care many damn classes the guy has taken under court-order or how many 30-day jail sentences he as served.

    If he changed, that's all nice and great but the prevailing rule among former abused (we'll say women) is: A former is an abuser is an abuser is an abuser--no matter whether you know him or not from before. For him, it's "too sad, so bad." Best try and find someone who doesn't know you're a "reformed" wife-beater.

    And that sums how I feel about Jane. People don't change--she's hurt me before in the worst way; it will surely happen again.

    Oh. Her e-mail? Defiant, oddly vague (never addressed why she disappeared), and angry. The "angry" part I can understand.

    It's what I see and analyze as having not changed.... that's the red flag for me.

    Well hey - 'morning, y'a. :)

  10. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    John, sorry to step in but online relationships are more difficult thatn real ones. How can a woman, a mother at that, introduce a man she hasn't met herself in real life? I wouldn't dream to do such thing to myelf let alone my kids. Introducing a new man to the kids means 'red flag for the kids' so a mother must think deeply about putting her kids to an unknown man. I do not blame her for her hesitation but she should have state her motives to you on this there is no doubt.

    Now you are left with two options.

    1- be a mature adult and try to save something from that relation, be friendship or

    2- close the relationship and move on

    But to dwel as you do on who's and what's wrong and all the rest comes in second plan. If you dont want to hurt any furhter, choose option 2.
    If you truely care about her, choose option 1.

    be mature implies no accusation, no black mail etc. all is in the 'how' questions are asked. put someone on the defensive is no way to go about it but you are entitle to answers so choose your words and you will get an answer.
    Wishing you to be productive ad not destructive in your choosings.

    good luck!
  11. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    WOW. What a fantastic contribution, Gran (no irony intended). I REALLY appreciate it.

    "online relationships are more difficult thatn real ones." -- I don't I ever really knew that, but wow you are right. There are SO many variables involved.

    "How can a woman, a mother at that, introduce a man she hasn't met herself in real life? I wouldn't dream to do such thing to myelf let alone my kids. Introducing a new man to the kids means 'red flag for the kids' so a mother must think deeply about putting her kids to an unknown man. I do not blame her for her hesitation but she should have stated her motives to you on this there is no doubt."

    Yes, ma'am, and therein lies the rub, see. It is cruel almost to a point of emotional fradulance I believe to lead another person on without simply saying, "we have keep this hush-hush for now."

    I just think being vague and secretive is cruel Granny, but you're so wise. Pls feel free to correct me or help me to learn more from that point of view.

    "Now you are left with two options. [One is] be a mature adult and try to save something from that relation...." -- I don't think you go back. (Right?) Six months of romantic overtures and "planning" cannot be morph-reversed into some kind of innocent friendship, depending on many things (Internet being one of them).

    "If you truely care about her, choose option 1." -- Granny, ma'am I can't trust her. I'm 45 (gosh I feel like 35) and to me it'd be foolhardy to put my heart on the line again.

    On the "good luck" -- hehe. May I repeat the line that luck's got nothing to do with it. I've closed out this chapter and moved on.

    You know, I already had MDD (major depressive disorder). I am thinking that staying reasonably content and alive will have to trump chancing affairs of the heart for me.

    When things are heavenly, they're heavenly but my GOD. When they go bad, I just can't deal with it.

    Thanks again for weighing in, and getting feedback is just vital for me.

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 24, 2008
  12. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    John, even though you were unfortunate in that relationship it doesnt mean that all online relations go to a pit hole. Some succeed but they are a minority.

    Don't close your heart to love as none can live without and who know when it will come knocking again at your door. Might be tomorrow that you will come across a person worth loosing your rationality and heart to.

    Love is irrational hun. You need to and want to be loved no matter now rational you are right now in time. :rolleyes:

    Just dont let this episode turn you into a piece of wood without feelings dear.

    Again i wish you all the best in life
  13. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    AH!!!!!!! Argh. Pooh. SNARKS!!!


    Just lost a good half-hour of work. OMG this is unreal. I'm popping off that fucking "Refresh" button after this time (FINALLY). I'm serious though. I'm on MSN TV 2 (www.msntv2.com) and this is the crappiest designed thing I have ever seen.

    Eck. Sorry Granny -- have to come back later. Right now I'm going to use my favorite coping method--take a damn a ten-lb. can of peas and drop it on my left big toe. -Never fails to take your mind off whatever else ails ya.

    Got a headache? Use the CAN method. Guara-damn-teed - works every time.

    You WILL forget that headache. Hehehehe.

    Works wonders on frustrations as well. Take your mind right off it. (Now I just need to figure a remedy for the CAN method - when it's accidental. Ouch!!!)

    Presently considering: Slamming your thumb with a hammer. Well, working on it. :smile:

    These things take thought. :laugh:
  14. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Kewl, did it. Popping off/replacing keys is easy, fixable, and BE.... no


    Such that, may this NEVER, EVER have to happen again (because of that, anyway).

    If I need to Refresh a page of course, got my little button sitting right here.
  15. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    She's gone, everyone. This is one of the worst nights you that you ever have in life. I have had far too many. I can't even bring tears, just dry, deep sorrow.

    It's only 8 p.m. but I'm going to bed. Another one alone, and will awaken alone on Thanksgiving. Of course I have to own this station in lif. Little very pity--just soooo much reflection and sorrow. Very little bitterness, except at God, Who would just ostensibly watch as so many of His creation suffer.

    Oddly, I do want to cry so bad. Deep, wailing sobs, but I don't have the shoulder to lean on and rub my back.

    This post might not be all that comprensible in the light of day but - I'm just TIRED, everyone. My soul is weary.

    It is TIRED of traversing through life all alone, tired of the sadness, of the depression which keeps me that way. Don't want to die though, and have never said I did. (Put another way: "I want to LIVE more fully. Not die.")

    Hmmm. Think I'll close on that. I tell what--if Linda were to call or e-mail right now, it would change EVERYTHING, and I *would* cry heaping sobs of relief, my heart nourished like a baby.

    (That's actually NOT good, imo. I'm just not... "wise" or strong enough to chance love, and my cuts go far too deeply when it goes bad, WAY risky for my emotional wellbeing).

    (lol.... btw., I just checked and found where I used another psudoymn for the lady's realy name. Remember--I'm just trying to keep some anonymity here--and I found a "Jane." oops!! Shouldna been Linda. We, we have have to our fibs straight! :laugh: )

    Giggles. I feel a little better, now. Just wanted some company/aduience - thanks.

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