Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Remedy, Apr 23, 2009.
i cut becasue i am so hurt on the inside, i dont know how to voice it at times, and the cutting is a good physical representation of the hurt inside.
reading this, i feel soooo emo
I cut because its a compromise with the hallucinations. They want me to do much more horrific things, so I compromise with some level of extreme self harm.
I only really do it under some level of dissociation, and that's how it's been since the start.
I started cutting myself over something I did and I hated myself for it. I cut because it is the only consistent way of dealing with things that I have. Also I would be a liar if I said it didnt feel good. I dont know really why I hit myself/bang head. I have done it when I cant cut myself and Im furious about something.
Distraction? I'm not really sure what it is I get out of it.
Though I will say I get some kind of sick pleasure from watching the blood drip down my arm when I do it.
I developed my autoagressions when I was 12 years old. It started firstly with alcolohol, then drugs and finally I started to cut myself when I was 15 years old.
I hate it, but is the only way to get away from pressure.
I'm not too sure, I just started getting some uncontrolable urge to cut myself and gave in eventualy.
when i was 17, i knew i'd been invaded. feelings of invasion/being taken over, couldn't go near my father without cutting myself.
For me started with flashbacks. then I liked how it made me look ; I was sick and tired of suffering depression and what not without any visible marks. Also, as suicidal as I feel I know I can't kill myself. So instead I cut and it makes me feel like I'm drifting away -- its very soothing and less detrimental than heavy drinking or hard drugs.
I started because i was...well simply curious. my boyfriend at the time was a ex self harmer and i wanted to know what it was like. i cut once, small but painful i shrugged and didn't do it again, i had gotten the taste of what it felt like. but then when life became stressful, and i had lived with depression for a few months without any support i found the razor blade again, i think at the time i thought if it had helped so many people it can help me right? well i didn't think i could get so addicted to it :dry: but indeed it did help soothe those unwanted feelings.
after a few weeks of initial SH i found this forum...wow that was back in 2007 :huh: has it been that long?
For me I got upset over something, I guess I felt it was the only way he'd pay attention and listen?
I like to see it heal over the days. And cleaning it up.
i fckd up my whole life thats why everthing i did wrong i remember everyday and i get shivers from it. i just want all my feelings to stop and when i cut it feels like releasing some kind of pressure
I started doing it whenever i had some extreme emotion. Now i just do it on a daily basis. I crave it constantly and i am always thinking about it. I guess im just addicted or something. But the first time i ever cut was about 5 years ago. I was feeling lonely. Extremely lonely. The kind that emotionally hurts so much that you can physically feel it. You start shaking and you can hear you heart beating. Theres a painful tightening deep in your chest. i had never heard of self harm before but it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
I do it because I deserve it. It's punishment.
I do it to relieve pressure.
because it feels good to see blood... it makes me feel real and alive.
My body is something to be abused..
I started out of curiousity ten years ago.
I do it to feel something i get so angry at myself i deserve it yet somehow in the morning i have forgotten i have done it and that starts it all over again.
Why did i start i dont know i must of been young when i started but cant remember a partcular emotion that triggered it, i guess i repressed the reason out.
I cant help it though i crave it all the time, somehow i try to find the comfort in the pain.
When I feel jittery and trapped in my emotion - usually fear, embarrassment, or just general sadness. It helps calm me down and lets me focus on my work.
Sometimes I need to do it to be able to fall asleep to escape the jittery-ness.
I don't know why I started. I think it was in Grade 9. My parents got so angry at me that I went into the bathroom. I used to punch things or hit myself when I got angry in the past, and I know they would hear it if I did, so I just grabbed my shaving razor and dragged it across my skin a few times.
And as everyone know's, it's a downhill race from there.
I don't know why I do it. There are times I just can't sit still. I'll see something, and if you sit there it's just like... torture. So I'll just smack myself until I'm sore or cut myself.
i remember very well what happened.
i was at school and saw a girl who burned her name with a cigarette on her hand but it looked growse, and i said: i can make it look "pinkier" or "nicer" so i did it.
then next time i remember i was in the middle of an argument with my mother punched a furniture then started sweing some clothes and had the crazy idea of doing it on my hand. that was the first time i did it as a relief.
then i started doing it everytime i felt horrible bad, then i started doing it when i felt bad, then when something simpl made me upset. then getting upset /bad/sad to have a reason to do it.
now, after 7 years, its part of my life aswell as the scars i carry on my body.
i started when my best friend died....
and i do it because i deserve to die for what i did to him...but i cant die, coz im scared that he wont be there waiting for me when i do.....
i still do it....
because it is the only thing that makes me feel real....its the only thing that makes me feel at all....
my hands shake, and i think about it all the time, i carry a razor with me all the time, and its all i can do to make evreything in my life stop.....
i was depressed long before William died....and im sick of feeling like a black hole inside....and hiding it all behind a smile.....
seeing the blood flow down my arms and legs and everywhere else....is the only thing that keeps me together....
its an addiction for me....as real as any other drug....pain makes me real...
lol, i sound oh so dramatic
i find it beautiful!!! my 20th birthday was the first time i cut... i absolutly love it!!! It makes me feel... so beautiful... I... have actually come to love myself... so very much.... its almost... like sex to me.... but... i dont have that feeling for anyone else but me... all the attention is focused on me.... it makes me want to cry because it feels so good... I cut myself over 40 times today... and today was my first day cutting... I am extremely addicted to it now... I dont know how i was able to go on so long without it.... i look at my bloody arm... and i stare in ecstasy..... I sigh and start to hold my arm in a sense that almost seems like im cuddling with myself.... i am absolutly in love with what i have done to myself... it feels so good... i cant stop looking at my arm.... i want to get long sleeves not only because it would upset other people.... i want them so i can cover up the cuts that have become practical private parts on my body... almost like covering up brests and what not... i wouldnt shoe them to anyone... except someone i am very close to... its sacred to me...