I cut last night. However, with telling one of my closest friends, we talked for hours, focusing on the why, effects, whatever. I learned a few things that I hadn't considered, have been afraid to say, or have been kept out of my mind for unknown reasons. When I cut... I didn't feel bad anymore, I didn't have to tell myself again, after so many times "No, don't, it's bad, and you don't want to go there." The constant tug of war of doing it versus not doing it relaxed...and it felt good. No struggling over it, just living through it. It had a sexual edge to it, on the edge and keyed me up...This is what worried me before, cause with my girlfriend, pain is used...but its in the way where its not malicious. We don't tie each other up and whip ourselves...but a little biting and scratching really spices things up. We don't even break skin, just causing a little rush to go along with the experience. Very nice, but as I talked to with my friend, apparently the sexual and pain indicators and reactions are close together in the brain, so the brain can get mixed up, and take pain as a sexual experience. I controlled the pain. I hurt for a lot of reasons when it happened, I was hurt emotionally, physically, and just, it kept tumbling around. For all my life I have gotten pain, and I couldn't control it. I couldn't make the pain go away just wishing it, and the best I could do is talk to people, or crumple within and break down. I don't regret any of those methods, but when I cut...my foot was killing me, my eye had hurt and burned cause of an irritation, internally I hurt from my family and a loss of home, and it just hurt hurt hurt. But when I cut, all the pain and such went to where I cut. For once, I could say "You are going to hurt here, in this way, and this badly." That sense of control is what I'm talking about. Now, to set this straight, I'm not out to glorifying cutting. I'm terrified but at the same time, enthralled by it. I'm just hoping that this post can help in allowing us to find a sense to why we do it. Cause its not enough for me to just stop, I need to know why I want it, because then I can tackle this at the roots. Right now, I'm not sure if I am going to cut or not, and I might do it in the future. But yesterday, I learned new things about cutting. New aspects that gave it new dimensions, and brought me greater understanding. I can only hope that one day, I'll understand it enough to find its weak spot, and then use it to get rid of this maddening desire once and for all. Maybe I'm being too hopeful, but its in that spirit that I write this post. I hope that by sharing, I've helped in some small way.