Why do you self harm? *Possibly triggering*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by pogosticker, Nov 30, 2011.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I don't mean your actual issues, I mean, why do you choose to put a blade to your skin? What do you get out of it?

    For me, I guess it's a way to relieve my stress. I tend to let my stress build up till I explode, then I'll take a razor blade and slice my arm a few times in fast motions.

    At the moment I'm doing it, and for maybe an hour or so after I feel a lot calmer. But then I hugely regret it and wonder how I let myself do it.

    I need to deal with how I handle stress. I rarely cut - done it twice this year and before that it was in 2008. Cutting relieves it short term, but it's not a real solution. More of a distraction. I don't want to do it again.

    So, why do you cut?
  2. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    I go slowly, actually. Try to make it as methodical and clean as possible. The entire process turns into an actualization of my internal pain, then as I heal I like to imagine the pain heals too. But that's just an illusion. It clears my head, because usually there are so many things going on at the same time I can't focus and start to spiral. That's primarily why I cut. I regret it once someone else sees it, or if I go too far. I guess it gives me something concrete to focus on instead of all of the abstract feelings or thoughts that go on usually.
  3. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I can second that. As I'm doing it everything else seems to go away. I suppose it's a distraction.
  4. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    For me it's a strange combination of things. For one, the amount of psychological pain I am in is, quite frankly, illogical. I can't see it, feel it, yet it hurts in such a major way. It angers me. So I cut because that way, I'm in pain and there is something tangible there. I can see the blood, feel it dripping down my leg, feel the pain of the blade slicing into my skin. THAT pain makes much more sense to me.

    It's also because I hate myself. I deserve this. Who really cares, right?

    And sometimes I'm angry at others, but I try not to lash out or make other people feel my pain. So I hold it in and just feel it myself.

    And lastly, there are so many times I just don't feel human. Like I'm something "other." My girlfriend often tells me I come from the planet John (my name) and I fucking feel that way. When I see the blood pour, I feel human. Not alive (I've read that befoer) since I HATE being alive. But I feel human, almost normal, because I bleed like everyone else.
  5. doesntmatter

    doesntmatter Active Member

    I do it because I have done horrible things and deserve to suffer horribly.
  6. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I feel so stressed, frustrated and angry it gets claustrophobic. I can't make an argument stop, words are hurting me and I want to hurt back. A wave of worst emotions builds up in me and I will explode, scream, break. To avoid harming someone else I hit myself with my own fist or just take something sharp and cut myself.

    Originally it was a bit more under my control. I mean, I wouldn't cut too deep and even though it was in the heat of the moment I believe my sub conscience was calculating that now the person hurting me will see how bad it feels and stop. Afterwords I would feel guilty cause it seems like a very manipulative thing to do, if it really was the reason.

    But then, it became about the feeling. It would instantly release a bit of that pressure that makes my brain feel like a bomb. The physical "pain" would be a sweet distraction.

    Now, it became about me wanting to really kill myself but only finding the decisiveness to do it in the moments of rage like that. Now almost any control is lost and I go for my wrists and try to cut with anything I have handy but it never got so far yet. I guess its still just a practice, training for the suicide.
  7. ash_wanderer

    ash_wanderer Member

    I feel no regret when I self harm. I see nothing wrong with it. However, I cut slowly with a serrated knife just until I bleed, nothing more. As soon as it starts bleeding, I feel instantly better. It's almost as if I'm letting out my pain. I take care of my scars just so people don't worry, but I am proud of each one I have. It is my proof that I have overcome my pain.
  8. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    I often try to remember why I started but never can. I imagine as a way to release the pain I never could because I was younger and didn't know of any other methods to do so. The habit stuck, though (obviously) and I've carried it into adulthood. Now, I self harm (I use more than just one method of SH, won't list them for fear of giving people ideas) for many different reasons. Usually, it's when I get so low that I'm thinking of suicide. It helps distract my mind and - ironically - keeps me alive. I know it's not the best method to distract me, but it's worked for this long that I can't imagine finding another one. Though, lately, I've picked up a habit of doing it when I'm feeling really, really happy, as well... as strange as that sounds. I think I've become so accepting of the fact that I do it, that I've actually - in some morbid way - grown to like the feel. Then again, I do admit that I can be quite demented with certain things, so it doesn't come as too much of a surprise. I honestly don't think I have one solid reason that I can pinpoint. There are so many reasons that I do it now, and were probably so many reasons that I started... that I'd be a liar if I said I know why I do it. Fact of the matter is, not even I do. The pain being like a high plays a big role in it... then again, so does the fact that after seven years or so it's just become habitual.

    I usually go fast but several times. I wonder if there's reasons for why people SH different ways. Just something I've kind of always wondered.
  9. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Well-Known Member

    I know its crazy but I just find the pain so pleasing. When I see the blood running down my legs uncontrollably I just like the way it looks and I feel like I'm purifying myself and protecting myself from my mind. I do my ritually though...meaning I do a certain amount of cuts in a way and package the blood a certain way...that probably sounds nuts but I already know I am...
  10. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    I cut for a large variety of reasons, some of which contradict each other.
    I cut because I am angry at myself, because I am numb emotionally or semi-physically, because I am drained, because I am lost. I cut because I am in pain and this takes my mind off the pain I can't explain and puts it on pain I can. I cut because I want to stop thinking. I cut because I need to see the blood to be sure I am still alive. I cut because part of me hope someone will notice and care. I cut to prove that no one will.

    I do it sometimes because I can't feel it.
    I'm so inside myself that I want a connection to the outside world. That is when I cut quickly, and when I am most likely to cause major damage.
    I cut really fast, and a lot, and I keep going until I feel the pain.

    Then other times I do it because I can feel it.
    At that point I just feel emotionally drained or lost, or numb, and I cut slowly, usually only once or twice, and not very deep.
    I do it then because it feels like the perfect physical motion of how I feel. Crying doesn't fit, nor yelling, or anything else except bleeding. I feel like I am bleeding, so I make it happen.

    And finally I cut sometimes because of habit or "urge". And that is the one I have a hard time justifying. I have cut so much i the past that where I cut now throbs from time to time with the need. If I am in a good place, I can ignore it and it will subsist. If I am not, it reminds me how how "good" it felt to do it. And then I am just cutting to make the feeling in my arm go away, not to fill an emotional need.
  11. HakunaMatata

    HakunaMatata Well-Known Member

    I suppose it serves as distraction to other things on my mind. Sometimes i might even do it as if i'm punishing myself/feeling like it's fun/because i hate myself so much. Totally confusing, never really thought about why i do. I'm sure there's other reasons, too.
  12. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    I always seem to feel like it's the only way to stop me going further. All I ever really want to do is release the pressure or the stress but it doesnt work anymore...
  13. xenia

    xenia New Member

    monster on inside by hurting the outside. It doesnt make sense to most people. I also Know that there is pain I can handle that other people in my life couldnt so ... I hurt myself so I don't have to hurt anyone else.
  14. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i do it in hope one day ill go too far by accident and wont be around any more
  15. under1

    under1 Member

    When I cut, it makes me feel so much better. It gives me a burst of energy, a sense of achievement. Also as a form of self-punishment. I suffer from bouts of self-loathing where I feel I deserve to hurt. Also when I am extremely angry or anxious I need something to take it away, to make me calm down. When I repeatedly slash the tension loosens and I feel at peace.
    For me its a beautiful thing, disgusting and twisted, but it makes me feel beautiful.
  16. Sleep

    Sleep Active Member

    I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. All I see is failure and when I lose money betting I tend to cut myself if what I had money on lost narrowly and that pain makes me feel better. I'd rather cut myself than shout at someone when it wasn't their fault. Also my helpless drug addiction to valium which I can't kick makes me feel like such a weak person. Cutting myself releases all the tension and the deep scratches and scabs heal eventually but my soul has felt lost in the last few months.
  17. IntoTheWoods

    IntoTheWoods Guest

    At 1 level if it makes me feel better, relieves that inner tension - but this evening I have also realised it actually succeeds in moving my emotional pain to my arm, where it is easier to deal with - can't do anything about that inner emotional turmoil. but a cut I can clean, bandage etc...
  18. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I don't cut, but have another method of self harm, and have only used it once, so far. I was in such great internal, emotional pain that I thought my brain would shred, or at least an aneurysm or stroke. There was also the thought that I would get so lost in the internal pain that I would extinguish it permanently.

    My reasoning was that the pain was so great because my inner self, and my outer self (body) were out of balance. I used a method that brought sufficient pain and permanent tissue damage to my physical self and balance the inner and outer beings.

    Tempted to try it tonight, or maybe cuuting, not the same level of emotional trauma, but enough to want some relief. I'll try my anti-anxiety meds first though.
  19. i have no idea why i burn my self !

    i cant feel a thing !
  20. Cowburn

    Cowburn Well-Known Member

    Because physical pain is easier to manage than mental pain.
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