today, I was laying on my side, trying to sleep, (its about 5:30 am right now, still havent been able to sleep) and I happened to run my hand over my ribs and feel the bumps, at first i thought it felt cool, and then i felt my hip bones, and went back to my ribs and I never knew how bad i've gotten, I feel like a skeleton! but I don't look like one...I dont think... I already know i dont have much fat on my body..just my stupid stomach...but jesus...I had no idea how bad all this has gotten. how does food do this to us? why does it make us want to not eat it, or throw it up so we can feel like a skeleton? and why does this become such an obsession. i've formed some sort of obsession with ribs, I want to get thinner, just for the fact i want to see my ribs more detailed, more and more and more. when does it stop? when I die? why does it take us so far? "your too skinny" might be words we hear from others, but then in our heads its always, "not skinny enough." but why? i've never really fully admitted to having an eating disorder, because I see all these people looking at themselves calling themselves fat and starving themselves, but thats not how I am. I enjoy what I see in the mirror. at least, the majority of the time I do, but then, when i lose weight, I enjoy it more, the more i see ribs the happier i get. and then i just want to lose more and more and more. I tell everyone its just because I have a fast metabolism, but i'm not even so sure anymore. you can only lie to yourself for so long. I mean, it was easy to tell I had a problem when I threw up, but now I cant throw up, not sure why, but my body refuses to. so then I restrict my food intake... and I think, no, its not a disorder, i just dont want to eat too much. i'd estimate i eat about 600 calories a day. sometimes i eat 800. which is far off from the 1200 your supposed to have if you are a teenaged female. but i still think 600-800 cant be that bad, right? but some days, its only 300, somedays, nothing at all... i don't even realize the problem, or maybe i do since im writing this, but up until now, i just thought of it as normal dieting..