Why does he care?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 5, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    So... I grew up in hell, that's the short version.

    My mother was abusive both physically and mentally, and my aunt often witnessed me being beaten and screamed at. My aunt is a now retired school teacher... and she'd just stand sort of frozen in the corner watch me being kicked and pushed... and after she'd help pretend like nothing ever happened.

    I recently opened up a bit more to my LDR boyfriend about what my childhood was really like in an email... trying to explain why I had selfharmed because of stress, to stop him from blaming himself...
    He knows I was abused and molested and raped... but he doesn't really know how bad or any details... we've talked about the sexual abuse because it is going to have an impact on our intimacy... it's bound to have... And I don't want him to be hurt if I freak out if he wants to touch me and it's a bad night or something.

    Sometimes I guess I take 'for granted' just how bad and messed up my childhood was. It was constant abuse and there were no save havens to run to. School was just as bad as my home... and no one saw or wanted to do anything about it.
    It's f*cked me up royally and I am aware of that... and it's why I now, at almost 26 desperately want to get therapy... (hopefully the 8 month long waiting is over soon)

    Even with the email I still didn't go into details... but I think it helped him see...

    And now I messed up. We talked about me going to my aunt today to help her with her laptop and how I was so annoyed about it... he joked that I was so 'selfless' about it, since I told him that it was almost worth it since she's buying a fancy lunch for me...

    I told him that I have to have an emotional 'distance' to my family to be around them... just to keep my sanity... I can never forgive them for what happened. I know my mother didn't have it easy raising a kid on her own, hold a job and deal with the loss of her parents and that my father didn't want any part of me. But it's never an excuse to do what she did, for so long. And she's still at it with the emotional abuse... she always finds a way to bring me down if she's stressed. (in her defense now she actually tries to make an effort, after I cut off our contact for months after the Christmas before last).

    My boyfriend is a very emotional man, he has a big heart and he's the gentlest most kind man I've ever known. He's helped me so much these past 18 months and he's healed a lot for me.

    But... I just briefly told him about one of the times mum would kick my back and stomach and my aunt would stand there...

    He's heartbroken. I think I sometimes forget that he actually cares about me (not his sake, mind. He does so much to show it). But... I wasn't thinking when I told him. Maybe it was easier if I just kept it to 'my childhood wasn't all that fun'.
    Poor man. He has such a blind faith in people, always seeing the best in them. He should never even have to know that things like this happens.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm really sorry for everything you have gone through and still go through. He cares because he loves you, also because he is a caring person. I am sensitive too and I think that being sensitive means you feel emotions more strongly than most. So he is very hurt by the thought that someone could hurt you that way. Don't feel bad about telling him, it is good that you are opening up about things.
    2 people like this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I still feel deep down he'd be better off with someone a lot less complicated. He's a trooper though, I can feel how much I've grown because of him. It's interesting what a bit of tenderness can do...

    I am realizing that I do deserve to be loved and cared for... but yeah... I don't want him to get hurt. I love him way too much. Hopefully that gets easier...

    I just hate that the hurt I suffered is now passing on to him. It should have stopped with me.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    It doesn't matter how complicated your life is, he cares about you as you are. You do deserve to be loved and cared for, and it can be hard to accept that if you haven't felt it before, but I hope that you do accept that you are a valuable person.
    2 people like this.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    He really cares about you hun, he seems like a gem and a keeper and consider yourself very lucky. We all need a man like that :)

    On the therapy front, how long have you been on the waiting list so far? If you still have to wait a while then maybe it is worth it to take part in a therapy trial (google is your friend). I recently found out my DBT therapy is a research trial and I had to choose between that or regular therapy,I chose DBT, it is being funded by suicide prevention Ireland. See if there are any of those type of things going on in your area.

    I know you suffer a lot from PTSD and child abuse issues, therapy is key and central as to what will unlock in yourself to be free from the trauma and flashbacks and memories. Your boyfriend sounds amazing, do ye plan on meeting up IRL any time soon? That could be the best thing for ye're relationship. He's a keeper :) And loves you for the funny wiity, amazing and smart outgoing person you are. Have faith in yourself and in this relationship.

    Good luck to you :)
    2 people like this.
  6. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    This is something that I struggle with as well--the question of how much to tell a loved one (in my case, my husband) about my childhood abuse versus keeping it vague so as not to burden him. It is hard....on the one hand you want and need to share at least some of this with him because of intimacy things, as you mentioned, but also because holding that all in just eats away at you (or it does me at least)....but how to figure out what to say, how to say it, how much is too much, feels impossible so I keep almost silent on the topic....I am glad you are opting for openness with him -- it will serve you well in the long-term and will show you whether this is a man you should be with long-term. Good luck and best wishes!