So... I grew up in hell, that's the short version. My mother was abusive both physically and mentally, and my aunt often witnessed me being beaten and screamed at. My aunt is a now retired school teacher... and she'd just stand sort of frozen in the corner watch me being kicked and pushed... and after she'd help pretend like nothing ever happened. I recently opened up a bit more to my LDR boyfriend about what my childhood was really like in an email... trying to explain why I had selfharmed because of stress, to stop him from blaming himself... He knows I was abused and molested and raped... but he doesn't really know how bad or any details... we've talked about the sexual abuse because it is going to have an impact on our intimacy... it's bound to have... And I don't want him to be hurt if I freak out if he wants to touch me and it's a bad night or something. Sometimes I guess I take 'for granted' just how bad and messed up my childhood was. It was constant abuse and there were no save havens to run to. School was just as bad as my home... and no one saw or wanted to do anything about it. It's f*cked me up royally and I am aware of that... and it's why I now, at almost 26 desperately want to get therapy... (hopefully the 8 month long waiting is over soon) Even with the email I still didn't go into details... but I think it helped him see... And now I messed up. We talked about me going to my aunt today to help her with her laptop and how I was so annoyed about it... he joked that I was so 'selfless' about it, since I told him that it was almost worth it since she's buying a fancy lunch for me... I told him that I have to have an emotional 'distance' to my family to be around them... just to keep my sanity... I can never forgive them for what happened. I know my mother didn't have it easy raising a kid on her own, hold a job and deal with the loss of her parents and that my father didn't want any part of me. But it's never an excuse to do what she did, for so long. And she's still at it with the emotional abuse... she always finds a way to bring me down if she's stressed. (in her defense now she actually tries to make an effort, after I cut off our contact for months after the Christmas before last). My boyfriend is a very emotional man, he has a big heart and he's the gentlest most kind man I've ever known. He's helped me so much these past 18 months and he's healed a lot for me. But... I just briefly told him about one of the times mum would kick my back and stomach and my aunt would stand there... He's heartbroken. I think I sometimes forget that he actually cares about me (not his sake, mind. He does so much to show it). But... I wasn't thinking when I told him. Maybe it was easier if I just kept it to 'my childhood wasn't all that fun'. Poor man. He has such a blind faith in people, always seeing the best in them. He should never even have to know that things like this happens.